LGBT Grief Forum

I've been a member for, oh, just a couple of days, but I've noticed a possible lack of focus on LGBT issues related to the loss of loved ones.

I know what I had to go through - even with medical POA and a will - to gain legitimacy with the "powers that be" with regard to authorization for cremation, among other things.

Just wondering if perhaps there are issues unique to the LGBT community that the other fine people on this site did NOT have to go through.

I welcome your thoughts and concerns.

Let's talk!

Members: 16
Latest Activity: Apr 6

Welcome, Karen.  I hope you can find some support here, or at least some discussion that will help ease a little bit of the pain. 

The site is filled with people who care and who have accepted me as a gay man; however, I felt there are issues that we as an LGBT community might want to discuss.  

I lost my Gary on December 9, 2011.  He lost his battle with colon cancer after a weeks stay in the hospital.  

In the end, he was surrounded by his family.  There isn't a day that goes by where I don't expect him to come in the door any minute.  

It's been a roller coaster of emotion between then and now.   I have "OK' days and I have crappy days.  

His family has embraced me even more than when Gary was alive (and we were all pretty close then).  They have been wonderful to me.

I have our three dogs that I care for these days.   They have kept me from "going around the bend", I'm sure.

How are you doing?  

Discussion Forum

lost of my partner of 15 years 4 months ago 4 Replies

  Looking to chat with someone who has lost their partnerContinue

Started by Cookie Kelly. Last reply by sher Sep 8, 2014.

Comment Wall


You need to be a member of LGBT Grief Forum to add comments!

Comment by Barbara on February 26, 2014 at 12:18pm

Sure, StaceRanger.



Comment by StaceRanger on February 26, 2014 at 11:23am

HI Barbara - I would love the name of the site for lesbian widows if you have it.

Comment by Barbara on February 26, 2014 at 10:59am

Philip, thank you for welcoming me here. I had found a site for lesbian widows and I guess I didn't come back here. I see you are just about 6 months ahead of me on your journey. I hope you have found some peace. Many hugs to you.


Comment by Barbara on February 26, 2014 at 10:55am

I'm sorry for your loss Michelle. I lost my love of 23 years 18 months ago. I invite you to come to L.I.G.H.T. It is specifically for lesbian widows and gets more traffic than this site.

I wish you some peace on your journey,


Comment by Michelle H on February 17, 2014 at 1:51pm

I lost my partner and best friend of ten years to leukemia. I now have to raise four kids by myself which seems impossible. At 34 I am a single mom and a widow.

Comment by Philip B. on October 7, 2012 at 11:58am

Welcome, Barbara.  It still sounds awful to "welcome" someone to something like this, but I can only hope that we, as the LGBT community at large, will be able to understand each other's issues and help whenever possible.

It's been my experience that after a while, family just doesn't know what to say.  I"m not sure if they think I'm ok or not.  They don't want to bring it up for fear that I'll have a meltdown.  They loved him and I know they miss him but they err on the side of caution and just avoid the topic unless I bring it up.

It's been 10 months for me now and I wish I could tell you it gets better, but in my case, it doesn't.   It gets different, just not better.

The smallest and most innocuous things will reduce me to tears instantly.  I miss my Gary every single day.   I dream that he's next to me in the bed or we did something fun or we're laughing about something.  Then, I wake up and the reality of the situation hits me to my core.

We have a small business that I continue to run alone.   It's probably what keeps me on track - the every day grind of going to work.

The worst is when I get home or on days like today - Sunday.  I went to the local farmer's market and now I'm home with no idea what I want to do to fill the day.

Gary was my rock.  My rudder.  I feel like a rudderless boat drifting from one day to the next.  

There's a song that always pops into my head - "pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again".  I just wish I wanted to but I really don't.

Comment by Barbara on October 7, 2012 at 11:13am

Hi everyone. Let me first express my condolences to you all. It's not bad enough to lose a spouse, but to be hit in the face with the uncivil laws in this country and the uncaring family who don't recognize a marriage is a marriage, legal or not... makes it hard to stay sane. I am lucky, as we were able to be legally married on the 16th anniversary of our first date. If she had lived, we would have been together for 23 years on 9/16/12.

She died in her sleep, in our bed, on August 29, 2012. I woke at 12:39am and she was unresponsive. Attempts to revive her after calling 911 were unsuccessful and the policeman responding was the first to say, "I'm sorry for your loss."

It has been just over 5 weeks and it feels like forever. I'm moving through most days doing just enough to survive. When my family left after being with me the first five days and through the service, I was able to contact our lawyer and begin to settle things because I was still in shock. We had wills, both our home and vacation timeshare were in both names and we had left everything to each other - so settling wasn't horrendous. But since the shock has begun to wear off and I realized what I'm doing I have been unable to move forward. Washing clothes and getting myself showered every couple of days is a chore. Eating is only what is already prepared or from a bag. I filled the dishwasher a few days ago and realized there were more dishes from the cat than from me. I hadn't realized I wasn't eating.

I am most amazed at the people who think I'm okay. I was actively loving my wife for 23 years. How can they possibly think I'm okay just 5 short weeks later?

Comment by Randy Simmons on August 11, 2012 at 11:46am

Hi.  I lost my partner of 14+ yrs just last Wednesday.  I came home early from work only to find him dead, face down, on the kitchen floor.  His color was God unreal.  In horror I dialed 911, and the operator talked me through CPR chest compressions until the paramedics and police arrived.  As I applied the CPR I mistook the air exhaling from his lungs as signs he would revive.  The paramedic took one look at him and declared him dead.  At that point I also died.  The only thing keeping me going are our 2 dogs.  I'm hoping the medical examiner's autopsy report will tell me what happened.  I called him an hr or so before leaving work, and I didn't anything like this could happen.

Mike was the love my life.  My soul mate.  After I divorced my 1st wife I never thought I could love any human again.  Sadly I didn't realize how much I loved Mike until his untimely.  I think human nature to take your relationship partner for granted.

Now I'm haing to deal with his parents whom I never had a relationship with.  They seem more like vultures... trying to scoop up everything that was Mike's.  Fortunately the house is completely in my name and all the contents.  There is the issue of $50k "loan" that Mike told his father about.  My argument is that Mike never paid rent or utilities.  I'm contacting a lawyer to see if I can bill Mike estate for this plus his insurance premiums I paid through my company.  If gay marriage was legal I would have to resort to these tatics. I know Mike's wishes, but unfortunately he never updated his will.  My advise to others is Get a Will.  Mike was only 51 yr old.

I haven't eaten anything since Wednesday.  My emotions are on a roller coaster.  I burst out crying about little rememberances of Mike.  I wish he would come to me in my dreams, so we could say good bye.   I want to make sure he's ok, and to wait for me.  I say the rosary everyday for the timely release of his soul from purgatory.

Thanks for letting me pour my soul.  More to come.


Comment by Philip B. on May 21, 2012 at 3:19pm

Welcome to Joe and Julieann.   I'm still figuring out the logistics of this site - sorry if this is late in coming.

I was eating lunch the other day and the muzak played Oleta Adam's "Get Here".   That was pretty much our theme song for a variety of reasons.  Anyway, there I was - sitting in Cheesecake Factory eating my lunch with tears coming down my face.

I've found that it's those little things that hit when you least expect it that still cause me to break down.  

The weekends are the hardest part.  Down time with no one to share it with except my little hairy poodle children.   (Yes, I know.   How cliche' but I love them!!).

Comment by Philip B. on May 12, 2012 at 5:46pm

Hi Julieann.   I don't think I took a breath the entire time I read your post.   I am so sorry for your loss.   What a horrible shock to endure, let alone the loss itself.  

I can totally relate about not wanting to go on.   I sit and look around at a house full of things that we chose together.  I do have our three dogs who keep me relatively sane and give me some purpose, but there are days when I just want to die.

His family gave me no problems; however, here in AZ, cremation has to be agreed upon by all living parents, spouses or children.   I had to get his mother's signature on the form.   It was insulting but I realized it was just a quirk of AZ law and not some attempt to take away my status as spouse (for once).

(((Hugs))) right back at you!


Members (16)


Latest Activity

Virginia G commented on morgan's blog post How long can I last?
"Morgan, i know you said you don’t like meds, but maybe one of the natural supplements for anxiety could lessen the meltdowns?  Just a suggestion.  I’m the opposite, don’t know why I’m not having constant breakdowns,…"
3 hours ago
Virginia G left a comment for morgan
"Morgan, thanks for the comment on my blog.  I read a few of your posts and I have the same desire to get out of here as soon as possible.  I’m only 47 and there’s no way I can wait until I’m old.  I’m afraid if…"
3 hours ago
Brett Bowman and Virginia G are now friends
5 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Brett Bowman's blog post How Far is Heaven?
"Virginia, while I don't know you, I don know this... your mom knew that you loved/love her. And there is a cold reality in all of this. No matter how hard I tried, my mom still died. There was no stopping it. It was like trying to hold back a…"
5 hours ago
Virginia G commented on Brett Bowman's blog post How Far is Heaven?
"Oatmeal, As I read your blog, I cried and cried.  It’s all too familiar and all too heartbreaking.  My Mom and I did everything together.  I always lived with both parents, but my Dad was always the quiet type that liked to do…"
5 hours ago
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Crystal, there is no timeline. I understand all that you are saying. After moving out of my mom's house, I had to go back. My realtor called me back there frequently. I had little choice. It was hard. I did cry, but it was not the difference…"
6 hours ago
morgan commented on Virginia G's blog post Post traumatic stress disorder
"Virginia, We ask ourselves alot of questions when we suffer such a great loss as a loved one.  All of your questions I have asked myself over and over as I have tried to live beyond the loss of my husband.  I've not answered them…"
8 hours ago
BLUEBELL commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It is so hard. My sister whose husband passed away April 9th 2018 does not want to see me right now because I remind her of Mom's passing a year ago Feb 14th. She does not do it to be mean or hurtful. She is just too full of grief for her…"
12 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Sorry for the typos"
12 hours ago
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Crystal. You have to do those things in memory of your mom should would want  you to do it I truly believe that I’m not saying that I don’t cry every day because I do I get in bed at night I cry when I’m sitting home alone I…"
12 hours ago
Crystal K commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"In 3 months, it will be a year since my mom passed away. It feels like it was yesterday. I know I asked this before but when does it get easier to do activities that you and your mother did together? I cant bring myself to do anything that reminds…"
13 hours ago
Alice Thompson commented on Virginia G's blog post Post traumatic stress disorder
"Hello Virginia, I’m so sorry you are going through this hell. PTSD has been part of my grieving process too. I think that when we lose someone who is absolutely essential to us, our brains don’t have the ability to adjust to the changed…"
16 hours ago
Virginia G posted a blog post

Post traumatic stress disorder

I am experiencing post traumatic stress disorder.  Some days I cry a lot, others not much.  I get upset when I don’t cry.  I feel as if I should be crying all day every day because the thing I feared the most my whole life happened.  How have I not had ten heart attacks by now?  Some days I have bad flashbacks of the hospital.  Other days I feel like I can’t process what happened.  Is my mind blocking what happened to protect me from the pain?  Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind.  Am I…See More
23 hours ago
Marlene Kublin is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Ginger posted a blog post

Today is 2 months since I lost my only daughter to cancer and to me being reminded in some way  of what used to be is a hard one for me. She was my best friend, we talked quite often and I visited on…

Today is 2 months since I lost my only daughter to cancer and to me being reminded in some way  of what used to be is a hard one for me. She was my best friend, we talked quite often and I visited on occasion. When friends talk about their adult daughters it brings to light the realization that I once had that and I don't anymore and the tears come. I guess when I'm not reminded,I want to still think she is here,only a phone call away. Already many things have changed, we used to talk on the…See More
Linda Engberg replied to kathy's discussion loost my spouce in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Kathy, The group I belong to is "Still Mourn Husband after 5 Years" they also have other groups or you can start your own. Linda"
lorraine knight posted a discussion

Grief that hits you at odd moments

While grocery shopping I noted a man sitting waiting for his wife as I surmised, my husband used to do wait patiently for me. It hit me hard that I no longer had anyone waiting for me.  So alone after 36 years.......See More
AnneJ. commented on morgan's blog post How long can I last?
"Ah, Morgan. And Bluebird and Linda and Mel and Alice and all you others who let me walk with you from cave to cave during these dreadful years of an examined life. I'm so tired I can't even write lately; our old friends, where are they...…"
kathy replied to kathy's discussion loost my spouce in the group Lost My Spouse...
"The discussion groups, are they on this web site?"
Linda Engberg replied to kathy's discussion loost my spouce in the group Lost My Spouse...
"Kathy, The best online support group I found is "Grief Healing Discussion Groups", my Husband has been gone 5 years and everyday is still hell, this site you on now did not help.  Linda  "

© 2018   Created by Jarvis.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service