Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
Not sure who this quote is from, I found it online a few months ago but kind of sums it up
"My grief is no less, because you think it should be"
Here is something else I read on the internet, again not sure of author. For those of us who were not able/allowed to attend our loved ones funeral.
"The funeral becomes the vehicle by which grief is acknowledged and sanctioned, and where support is extended. The primacy of a family at the funeral reafirms that these survivors have experienced a loss and that their subsequent grief needs sanction, acknowlegement and support. The rite of the funeral publicly testifies to the right to grieve."
This one is my own thoughts on complicated or disenfranchised grief:-
"It seems one difference between compicated grief and uncomplicated grief is the old addage "time heals" I have found it dosn't apply in complicated grief, even though many years pass it is still just as painful as when it first happened like you are stuck. In uncomplicated grief the pain lessons as time passes."
This article is from work by Kathleen Gilbert:-
"Ambiguous losses recieve little or no public recognition and if members of the social network are unable to recognise the loss as real they will not be able to validate the grief of the bereaved. others may find providing support difficult to do since people are more comfortable with "normal" rather than what is percieved as "abnormal" losses and grief responces. Thus an ambiguous loss may be experienced as irreconcilable, this may in turn lead to disenfranchised grief.
An important factor in the resoloution of grief is social support from others. The bereaved need support not only for the reality of the loss, but for the validity of their grief and of themselves as legitamate grievers. Because loss involves/entails a loss of self validation, the starting point for recovery is the validation of the loss itself."
Some more of my thoughts on disenfranchised grief:-
"When no one acknowledges your grief by sending your cards, flowers or saying they are sorry for your loss and checking up on how your doing etc. then it is like they are saying that your loved one hasn't died therefore it is hard to accept the death and to grieve"
Another one of mine:-
"I am drowning in the tears of my heart in the middle of an empty ocean"
I have been reading a book called "Disenfranchised grief recognising hidden sorrow" by Kenneth Doka. It really helped to understand why I was feeling how I felt. Thought I would write a few quotes from the book on here for you.
"The griever has to be connected legitimately before he or she can begin to attempt some kind of freedom"
"For disenfranchised grievers, there generally are no coherent, well organsised, or readily available self help groups. Moreover, even though each self help organisation has a special consituency, most of them do not have a section for people who can be considered disenfranchised grievers. The result is that this potentially beneficial source of social and emotional support is typically not available for disenfranchised grievers."
"social support which is available when grief is sanctioned, provides not only an environment that helps to hold one up but also recognition and legitimization in the eyes of ones community which is crucial to facilitating the mourning process"
"It takes a special and rare courage to acknowledge and adequately mourn when the grief is not socially recognised"
"One of the profoundly disturbing consequences of disenfranchised grief is that because of a lack of social sanctioning and social support, the bereaved may become disillusioned with and alienated from their community"
"the loss of community that may occur as a consequence of disenfranchised grief fosters an abiding sense of loneliness and abandonment"
"the more open the relationship, the more opportunity there is to acknowledge grief and recieve social support"
"In cases where the relationship is secret, there naturally is no recognition or even knowledge of grief within that relationship. In some cases, the exclusion is total. Sometimes because of the clandestine and sporadic nature of the relationship, the survivor may not even become aware of the death until weeks after the event."
"It is harder to accept the reality of loss if one is excluded from the dying process, restricted from the funeral rituals, inhibited from acknoweledging the loss, or even given delayed news of the death."
"THIS TOO WILL PASS." When things are spectacularly dreadful; when things are absolutely appalling; when everything is superb and wonderful and marvellous and happy - say these four words to yourself. They will give you a sense of perspective and help you also to make the most of what is good and be stoical in difficult times. "THIS TOO WILL PASS." Connie J.
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