We lost two little girls during pregnancy. It shattered my heart, and nearly crushed my hope and faith. But in that utter devestation God found me and rescued me. I have since written our story of loss, and it has been published, it's called Unforgotten Children. I have also begun teaching an online grief support class for women who have experienced this kind of tragic loss. We meet and support one another as we work through the bible study workbook Threads of Hope Pieces of Joy. The footprints image is my sweet Samantha Grace's feet. I will honor her memory by continuing to help other mothers find comfort, peace, and hope in God, and through other moms who know their sorrow.
Well Hello Kristie, I am glad you found something good and positive to do that can also help you heal. I have felt similar in ways that my faith is very wishy washy. Sometimes I'm all for God and others I just can't believe he didn't save my baby. My faith is very unstable. My story is that I had a little girl @ 21 weeks she was only 6 oz. I got a few minutes to hold her. The doctors said there was nothing they could do and they choose to not put her in NICU b/c she came too early. They said she hadn't reached the age of viability. This has devastated my life, my heart, my mind, and my spirituality. I stopped going to church for a while b/c there were a couple of ladies there that were pregnant. Now that I've returned to church, I still have to live w/ seeing these women there w/ there beautiful babies. It seems so unfair to me. Why do they have their babies and I don't have mine. Why would God bless them like that right in front of my face knowing I'm in all this pain and that seeing them would just irritate my pain. I do have 3 little boys and I am all so grateful for them. But I have had a desire for a girl as long as I can remember. Why did my girl have to die. Not long after she passed I found out I was pregnant again and had a miscarriage a few weeks into the pregnancy. It is so odd b/c I have not had any problems in the past getting pregnant or carrying a baby to full term. I really need help in dealing w/ my anger. It has gotten better, but on ocassion esp. since I know I will have to see a new baby @ church this week the anger comes back and I begin to question God all over again. Please help if you can.
Renee, I'm so sorry to hear what has happened to you. I can completly understand how you are feeling right now. The anger and resentment toward God, the devestation, and then trying your best to hold onto faith in the midst of all these unsettling feelings, and other women who just don't seem to understand, let alone remember our grief. You have every right to feel frustrated, and confused. Every mom of loss has shared those same feelings at some point or another. And so many have also experienced the pain of seeing reminders all around of our sorrow (and even the resentment toward they're being blessed).
I know that no matter what words I put down here, it won't change what you are going through, and it won't fix your sorrow, but I do hope that it will be even just a little bit comforting to know that someone else understands. My first miscarriage was happening before I even knew I was pregnant, then the next 4 years we couldn't get pregnant at all. Finally when we did, my water broke at 18.5 weeks and Samantha Grace was born. She was 7 inches, 7 ounces. I also got to hold her.
I also have two living children, only one during all of my losses, but no matter how many children I had that were here with me, it didn't take away the sorrow for the two that I don't have with me. I also asked God why? Why me, why her? Why now? Why so long into the pregnancy? I asked ALOT of questions. I really wanted to know the truth. I came to a point where I didn't care how painful the truth was, I wanted it clear and plain so that I could deal with it no matter which way it was. Sometimes I didn't like the answers, sometimes I didn't agree. But I knew that didn't change things for me, whether I agreed or not.
I felt so afraid that God had just allowed my baby to die, and that this was the end of the sentence. I was afraid that was all for me. I would forever be the lady whose baby died. But there was more to the story, more to the sentence. Where I feared God put a period, He had actually put a comma. He had a purpose for my sorrow, and at first it was only very blurry and vague, but the more I came to Him, the clearer it became.
2 Corinthians 1:3-7 spoke directly to my heart. I knew that God was leading me to offer others the same comfort He was giving to me through others. The more I shared my story, the more it seemed to help others the better I felt within my own heart. It's like some sort of mysterious warped grief formula, the more I reached out the more blessings I received in return.
When I started the Bible study for miscarriage, stillbirth, and early infant loss, I found a place I belonged. I wasn't the one on the outside, I was one of many who understood my pain. The study was written by two women who had each lost children themselves. They just got it, and I needed that. The study asked all the same questions that I wanted to know, but most of all, why?
This study changed my life, well, God used it for that purpose. And now I teach the same study online. There really are no quick ways out of grief, none that will lead to permanent lasting healing. The only way is through it. I hope you don't mind this Renee, but I'd like to pray for you, I don't want to just say I will, so I'll post my prayer to God for you:
Dear Heavenly Father,
I thank you that you have brought Renee to this post. Thank you that you have been so constant and steady despite our feelings changing and being confused. Our chaos is only a sign that we need you, and I thank you that you give us a sign, and that you also give us the opportunity for healing. In Psalm 107, it says that if we call out to you, that you will rescue us in the nick of time, you love us, and I know you will. I am asking for Renee to feel your complete and total presence right now. As she reads this pray, I beg you Lord, restore her hope, Help her to know that you DO love her still and always, that this love has not changed. I pray that you will fill her heart with life and with your praises. Take her hurt and transform it into hope. Lord, this is no easy pain to carry. We as mothers can never forget the baby we held in our wombs, not even the smallest child, the earliest gestation. WE always remember, and I know that you do as well. I pray Lord that you would lay it on Renee's heart which direction she must go now, and give her the strength to take that first step. Bless her life, bless her boys, her entire family. Reveal her little girl's spirit to her in a way that she can be comforted if only in that moment. Holy Lord, you are mighty and powerful, gentle and loving. We need you each day to refresh our faith, our trust in your choices, and our trust that you will finish the sentence, that you will not let it be sorrow for the rest of the journey, but that you will bring healing. I reach out to you on Renee's behalf, and I pray that you would encourage her to reach out to you in a new way, and that in the new way you would bless her ten times over for her decision to trust you. I pray all these things by the power of the Holy Spirit, in Jesus name, AMEN
Thanks for those encouraging words and prayer. That really helped. I would like more information about the online Bible study. Maybe that would help me. I really do still love the Lord I just don't understand what He is doing or why He even allowed this to happen to me. It will be 2 years for me on April 8, 2010. I just need some help so this year won't be as bad a last year. Thanks for your reply. May God continue to bless and keep you.
Yeah, I'm better today. I started reading this book "One Day My Soul Opened Up" by Iyanla Vanzant. It is helping. I'm still going to counseling about twice a month. I had a really bad episode last week when I found out my church member, that just had a baby was there last week. At first I was confused, angry, jealous and so upset as to why she is so blessed and I am still struggling with the loss of my baby. But today I was feeling much better and I even texted her to see if there was anything she needed for her baby. I'm pretty much so good until I have a trigger. That can be anything from finding out someone is pregnant to seeing an infant baby. But I'm learning that its normal and okay. As long as I know that I'm fine. Thanks for your help. I will keep in touch. Where do you live maybe we could talk via phone sometimes. I live in Louisiana. Thanks again & have a good day.
You must be kidding! I'm from Louisiana! But I'm up in Minnesota for the last 4 years. I can't beleive that!
If you would like to, you can join in the group forum that my friend and I set up for Christian miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss support. We can keep in touch that way or f you would like to join in a study online thats with audio/ voice connection in support group format. Everyone can talk to each other in those rooms. It's once a week. Our next one starts May 13. I'd think you would find it very helpful.
Hello Kristie, I had a few good days as I told you about. But today wasn't. Just Every month since Desiree's death and my miscarriage that followed i have thought that i was pregnant. Now mind you it has been nearly 2 years since Desiree and about a 1 & 1/2 since the miscarriage. This is crazy. Now I'm not sitting around the house bored and depressed just thinking of pregnancy symptoms either. I work pt, go to school pt, have dreams and aspirations beyond where I am and I don't just sit around wishing i was pregnant. So I don't understand why every month my body seems to make me think or provide the exact symptoms of a pregnant woman. Now don't get me wrong and I really do want to get pregnant but its not all I think about or the only focus. I have lots of others things going on to keep me stressed about or focused on. Remember i said I have 3 boys all school age and a husband and I going to school to be a counselor. So this makes no sense and I wish it would just stop. The desire in itself to have another child is so strong so I really don't need the symptoms every month to go along with it just to be disappointed when that monthly visitor pops up. I just need some help. Why is it still so hard to deal with this. Why is it one day i'll be great and then when my cycle comes i'm depressed all over again. Wanting to give up on God (not life). I just don't get it. It seems that when i have a great milestone in this I have a great turn of emotions from great happiness and great expectation or great enlightenment to despair and great disappointment. I hate the roller coaster ride. Please give a word of good sound advice. thanks.
I know exactly what you are talking about Renee. I went through 4 years of infertility, an every time I had a period it was like the reminder that I was not pregnant, and when I didn't get it, I kept having the symptoms. For my last pregnancy I just assumed it was a false pregnancy because it happened so much. I didn't even think I should get tested, but of course, it eats at you until you do. That time I actually was though.
As far as feeling great, then feeling down again, this is totally normal. As time passes it will be longer and longer between leaps and falls. It's still hard because you are still hurting. I'm sorry, but there really just is no easy or quick way to get out of grieving. But there is a way through it.
I will continue to be in prayer for you, in the meanwhile, be patient with yourself, Renee. The only timeframe on grief is the one you set. No one can set it for you. Be gentle with yourself. You don't have to get 'over' this, you're learning to walk forward with it. This takes time, and I know that it won't be long before you find this journey is getting to be more tolerable.
I hope you consider joining in the Bible study. This will help the falls not be nearly as difficult as well, have you taken a look at the butterfly mommy blog? Or our website? There are a lot of blogs that link to other women who are going through this. And the forum where several women have joined now to talk about where they are in their grief.
"Different today. Hurts as usual, but not like yesterday.
My stress goes through the roof at the slightest change in routine.
I have to break free of the pattern, the ritual, of Friday nights and Saturdays. My mother died on a Friday. But I cannot…"
"Today, I feel it.
It has been like this every Saturday since June, since the nurse at the care home called me to notify me that I could pick up my mother's effects. My mother died in April.
I am overwhelmed.
I am crushed.
I love you, Mom. I…"
"Sixteen weeks ago today, my mother died.
For some reason, I do not feel crushed today.
But every Friday is going to be like this, a reminder that she is dead. Not quite the kick in the stomach reminder that she is dead that I feel when I wake up…"
Carla is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community