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Permalink Reply by anna l. on October 3, 2013 at 12:06am

Oh, how this post brings back memories of my first postings here.  I think my husband had been gone about 6 weeks when I crawled out of my bed and turned on the computer.  Every time I see a new person find this place I have two thoughts, one, how horrible it is someone else knows the pain I felt/feel, and two, thank God you found your way here.  This site was my beacon of light in a dark existence.  I have other children, grandchildren, lots of brothers, sisters, etc but I was alone.  I could not say the words out loud because you cant speak through sobs, but you can type them here! It took a long time before I could write the words you wrote.  And I still hate the word loss.  As if I was negligent and misplaced him.  I have been told it gets better with time.  That has not been my experience.  The only way it can be better is to be back the way it was.  But it does get gentler.  The pain dulls down.  You will learn to do all those things you don't want to have to learn, and you will know he is proud of you for doing them.  You will go days without needing to rant at him for leaving you.  Let those around you who offer help to be there.  If a friend offers to take you out for coffee, try to go.  Get outside everyday for some fresh air.  Take a walk.  Your body needs to breath and move.  Honor the love your husband has for you by taking care of yourself the way he wants you to.  Hugs, Anna

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Permalink Reply by Lidia on October 3, 2013 at 12:24am

Anna, thank you so much for your words.  Since I really don't have anyone  that I can talk to I've been writing and writing; it goes no where but it's better than yelling and having these breakdowns all by myself.  How long have you been a widow?  By the way, I hate that word, I never thought I would be a widow and now that I am, I'm not good at it and unfortunately there is no manual just one person helping the next.  I'm glad I bumped into this site, at least I feel that I can share and be understood.  I'm trying to do but I feel like I'm walking in a cloud and I just want to get off.  Thank you, Lidia

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Permalink Reply by anna l. on October 3, 2013 at 1:03am

My husband died at 5am July 1st 2011.  It feels like yesterday, and a million years ago at that same time.  I can close my eyes and feel him beside me but I cant find his scent in the house anymore.  I have finally started a project that I have wanted to do and have been putting off as too hard.  I am taking his shirts apart and making a quilt for each of our grandchildren, hopefully for Christmas.  I was hoping today being my day off I would have gotten the first top pieced but I procrastinated cutting one of his favorites so maybe on Saturday it will be easier.  I started this journey knowing I had to do this my way, at my speed.  That's what keeps me sane.  I don't make excuses to anyone for my actions, procrastinating, tears, or breakdowns.  I hope you keep writing here.  There are many caring understanding people here who do understand whatever mood you find yourself in.  Take gentle care!

 

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Permalink Reply by Lidia on October 4, 2013 at 9:54pm

I'm thankful for this site and your responses. I'm also thankful that I kept my husbands' voice message on my cell; I keep playing them to hear his voice and have some sense of him with me, especially when I drive anywhere, he used to call me constantly wanting to know if I was ok.  He knew my lack of sense of direction and he was my personal GPS. Now all I have left from him is this. People tell me in time all the memories are going to be happy moments that will bring me joy but right now I don't see that. I just want to be with him. I'm still in p.j.'s at 11pm I haven't had to energy or the willingness to even dress today. Fridays are horrible days for me now, he died 10am on a Friday, August 23rd,2013.  This was our day to eat out, even if it was pizza, just as long as we could close the week and be together without work responsibilities for the next two days. Just to  be together; what happened? now how do I stop hurting? how do I fill the whole in my soul?

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Permalink Reply by Dia -Ayesha on October 3, 2013 at 10:56am

Hello Lidia,

I lost my beloved mother this July 22, 2013. She was my everything. Like you I cannot bring myself to say the word *died*. I am heartbroken and shattered. She was my best friend, favourite companion, my hero. The greatest , most wonderful person, the greatest , most fantastic mother ever. I lost my mum . You lost your husband . While not an identical loss we are united in our tragedy , pain and sorrow. I too feel alone and lonely. The pain and grief is searing , raw, intense and unbearable. Nobody gets it. Here in India people think 2 months is ample time to overcome the grief and *move on* . I hate this term :moving on. What the heck does it even mean? . Please don't feel alone Lidia. We are all with you. I personally have found kindness and support here even though I'm new here and not very familiar with this site features etc. please know you can reach out to me anytime . I'm here for you. Please take it one step at a time and baby steps at that. Be good and kind to yourself. God bless.

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