It's comming up on a year since my mom died unexpectedly and I still don't think that I have felt the full impact of the loss. I feel like I'm walking around with this hurt that's just beneath the surface but impossible to release.

 

I only cried, I mean really cried, when I first learned that my mom had been taken to the hospital and was already undergoing open heart surgery. I cried uncontrollably in the car all the way to the hospital. But really after that, it was like something in my mind just shut off the most of the pain. I gave my mother's eulogy without a single tear. I have had absolutely no experience with this sort of thing because I'm generally an extremely sensitive and emotional person. Also, my mom was essentially my best friend so I know that the lack of crying has not been for lack of loving and missing her.

 

I have shed a few tears here and there since all of this happened. But it has never been a real emotional release where I'm able to cry for an extended period of time and really let the feelings out. The closest I've come to that is when I'm asleep. In my dreams I sometimes scream and cry hysterically over my mother's death.

 

I know my subconcious has been more or less shielding me from the pain of grief, but I'm pretty sure that not being able to let that pain out has been preventing me from moving on and is leading to destructive behaviors like eating too much and avoiding contact with friends. I feel that I'm at a point where I'm very close to being able to let it out. I kind of feel like I'm on the verge of crying all day everyday, which is something new, and possibly a step forward. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone has any tips for releasing this trapped grief? I just don't think I can begin to live my life again until I do.

 

Also, it's worth mentioning that I never got a chance to say goodbye to my mom. My dad called me just before my mom was about to go into surgery but I missed his calls and cheated myself and my mom out of a chance to say I love you. I think about her going into surgery scared and knowing that she may never get to talk to her only daughter again. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for that.

 

I'm so sorry mom!! Please forgive me!

 

Views: 291

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

Please Kathy if you dont mind me saying whats meant to be helpful, dont be really hard on yourself.  It wasnt like you conciously ignored the calls deliberately. You said you missed the calls etc.  Regardless, I can see by your writing you are sad.

 

I have found that many people benefit from grief groups, and or some kind of counselling with people who are experienced with this (loss etc). They say everyone grieves differently.  I have heard of some people not eating alot and others eating more (therefore gaining weight or losing weight); both situations are potentially bad.

 

Have you tried seeing a doctor for the health issues that could arise?  I hope you find peace, I have been down this road with grief and I am still travelling it.

 

 

ysterday i had 1 of thm days kathy saw somthg on tv it brot it all bac lik the day my dad died 

i no i will never get ovr it the oly time i sea my dad is in dreams 

Dear Kathy,,,,Dont worry....

Your mother always loves you..because she is mother. and she does not expect sorry from childrens....because she gave birth to you......LOVE MOM.....

Kathy,

I seem to be in the same space.  Being so strong for everyone else.  Do you think it is bad that we haven't had the emotional release you are talking about?  Do people have to have that to deal with grief?  I really don't know, but if it we do, I am on the same path as you.  Tears here and there, a few moments, but mostly deep pain.  Keep me advised of what you find.

Sandy

Hi, Sandy and Jo, thanks for responding to my comments. I've been doing a bit better as of late. My dad seems to be coping and spring is finally here. My mom loved birds and when I see them or hear them I can identify them and I think of how happy she would be for spring and to know that she taught me something. No one can ever replace my mom, but she's definitely a part of me. She's in my genes, she's in my thoughts, she's a part of my soul. Don't get me wrong, I'm not over the loss. I never will be, as loved ones cannot be replaced. But I am doing better than I was a couple of months ago.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I hope that you can find peace as well. I suppose grief is a process just like everything else in life. Live for the ones you've lost!

RSS

Groups

Latest Activity

Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"morgan, Your message is so moving! Every word you say rings so true! I could have written the message. You express my innermost thoughts and wishes. It's been a little over five years for me since Joseph has been gone, but I feel his lack as…"
32 minutes ago
Trina Mamoon commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"morgan, Your message is so moving! Every word you say rings so true! I could have written the message. You express my innermost thoughts and wishes. It's been a little over five years for me since Joseph has been gone, but I feel his lack as…"
34 minutes ago
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I still can't see pics here so don't know if it posted."
2 hours ago
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Jonathan, I meant to respond to your post when I read it but forgot. We're all in the same boat because we were all ONE with our Loves. You'll notice by our sharing here that it just doesn't get better for us. Keep sharing here. …"
2 hours ago
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Jonathan, I meant to respond to your post when I read it but forgot.  We're all in the same boat because we were all ONE with our Loves.  You'll notice by our sharing here that it just doesn't get better for us.  I tied…"
2 hours ago
Joe Kelly commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm still a mess too Morgan and it just keeps getting worse.  Nothing but going to her will ever help me not be in agony every second of every day.  That being said, it has to happen naturally which really sucks because we don't…"
9 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan, Once again your have posted my exact feelings on losing my beloved Julian. 7 years also. Life does not go on for me, I am just existing until death takes me and the sooner the better."
9 hours ago
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I'm still a mess.  Almost seven years later and I still cannot absorb loss in any form.  Doesn'tmatter if its mine or someone else's.  And nothing helps.  I have a best friend who tries valiantly to comfort me.…"
10 hours ago
Profile IconLinda l Cunningham and jacq kramer joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
17 hours ago
Carol Klotz is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Sunday
Maria replied to Melissa's discussion I am new here and hoping that I can talk to someone who lost a child to suicide
"Hello Melissa, I'm so sorry for your loss. My son took his own life on August 25th. He was 20 yers old and the pain is almost unbearable. He was a wonderful human being and I miss him every day."
Saturday
Profile IconLani M., Gina, Maria and 1 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Saturday
Eileen replied to Melissa's discussion I am new here and hoping that I can talk to someone who lost a child to suicide
"Thank you !! Feels good knowing I have someone I can chat with and understands. Have a peaceful night."
Nov 8
Melissa replied to Melissa's discussion I am new here and hoping that I can talk to someone who lost a child to suicide
"I’m sorry for your pain also!! I’m always here if you ever need to talk!! Your friend melissa"
Nov 8
Eileen replied to Melissa's discussion I am new here and hoping that I can talk to someone who lost a child to suicide
"Hello Melissa, never lost a child to suicide. However lost my mother, father and husband. So my heart goes out to you. Stay strong because it's not easy. Your friend Eileen."
Nov 8
Eileen posted a status
"Thanks for accepting me into the group. I am finding it very difficult to move forward so I decided to reach out for online support."
Nov 8
Eileen is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Nov 8
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi to everyone,   I am sort of a broken record when it comes to how I have managed to cope with my husbands death.  I can honestly say that for the first four years looking back I was pretty much in a stupor.  The shock after sharing…"
Nov 7
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Fran, So sorry for your loss. It's been 7 years since I lost my Beloved Husband. I have and never will be the person I was. I have accepted that and just go through the motions. There are no good days for me. Since the day he died, I died…"
Nov 6
Fran commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"5 years ago tonite I lost my Love. Since then I check in here periodically to see how others deal with the passage of time. Apparently, pretty similarly. We do what we must. We have "good" days and worse days. Our memories blindside us yet…"
Nov 6

© 2019   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service