On December 23rd, we found out my Mom had 
stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Her chances of 
survival were very low. They did two chemo
treatments and her kidneys were unable to
handle anymore. She died on March 9th.
My Mom turned 49 three days before her 
death. She was an otherwise very healthy
woman. I am only 30 years old and my sister
is only 26. My Dad turned 51 in February. We
are, in my opinion, far too young to be going
through this. My parents were married for 30
years and they were best friends. My Dad has
said that Mom was not his better half, she was
his WHOLE. They truly were one unit and we
are a very close family. My Mom was my best
friend and as you can imagine this has been
beyond difficult. 

Yesterday, my Dad asked my sister and I to 
lunch and told us that he had signed up on
some dating websites. He's already had lunch
with someone and is planning a weekend trip
with her this Saturday and Sunday. I told my 
Dad I supported whatever decision he makes,
but I am just beside myself. It's only been 2-1/2
months since we buried my Mom. He says he's
lonely, but I still think its WAY too soon to be
"dating" people.

Anyone have a similar experience and some 
advice to share?

Tags: Father, dating, soon?, too

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He is freaking out, wanting to numb the pain, probably wanting things to be "normal" again.  I guess you'll have to humor him and hope for the best.  I feel for the women in his path and hope they have the compassion to figure out what's going on. I just tried dating websites after 9 months and had a disastrous experience.  I think I'd rather hang out at bars if given a choice.  At least you can see what's coming!

I am really sorry your best friend, your mom is gone!  So much sadness.  I cant imagine almost a year after my husband died that I will ever and I mean it ever want another man in my life in that way again.  But that is me.  Everyone has to travel this grief journey on their own.  I wonder if you dad was so well taken care of by your mom and two daughters that now he does not know how to take care of himself?  Does he know how to cook?  Has someone shown him how to do all the things he has never had to do for himself?  I miss being needed so much.  I miss cooking for my husband.  I miss doing his laundry.  Maybe your dad is missing having that done for him as much as he misses the companionship of a woman.  Just my thoughts.

 

He is entirely self sufficient and always has been. They had a partnership, 50/50. My Mom never waited on him hand and foot.

I know this all too well. My father passed, GOD rest his soul in 2005. My mother started dating 3 months after. One of her old boyfriends contacted her and it started from there. She did it not to be lonely. My parents were married for 32 years. I didn't agree with it and both guys wanted her for what she can do monetarily. I believe the last boyfriend she had stressed her to the point where she passed also. She passed 6 months ago. It's good that you are being supportive. I was too but deep down inside all I can remember is the many years she woke up and went to bed with my dad.

Hi Shauna, Everyone grieves in their own way, I  lost my husband of 29 years in January and although I thought of him as my soulmate and  was devastated by his sudden death, I too started looking at online dating sites. I think it is because the loss leaves you feeling so alone and you somehow think that void can be filled by someone else. I haven't dated anyone yet because I know it probably wouldn't work out . Your Dad is probably just trying to fill the void in his heart left by your Mom. Try not to be too hard on him. It doesn't mean he doesn't miss your Mom. Take care, Helen.

Hi,I understand how hard this must be for you. My mom died almost a year ago on June 9th.  She had been sick for 5 years and my dad was her main caregiver.  2 weeks after mom died my dad had a blind date and they immediately bonded and are getting married in September.  Your circumstances are different, as my parents are 10 years older than yours, and married for 40 years,  and my mom was ill for a long time.  However, I have felt that my dad just jumped right into a relationship, and didn't really grieve my mom.

He is so happy though.  he still talks about mom and his fiance is a widow herself, and just 2 years younger than he. She is financially set, so that isn't a worry.

The problem for me is that I am jealous that my mom isn't still here.  I like his new lady, but wish that it was my mom who was getting to go on the cruises and trips. She is great with the grandkids, but it should be my mom instead of her.

I have been outwardly supportive of my dads decisions, I feel like he should be enjoying life and If Mary makes him happy, then I am happy for him.  But I am sad that it's not my mom instead- but she is dead. 

It's so hard to be the better person and support your dad, but you don't want to lose him too.

I also think that we have more than one soulmate, and maybe my dad was lucky enough to find another one.  My advice to you is to be open minded and get to know any "lady friend" of his so you can screen her (!) and make sure she isn't out to take advantage of him.  In the long run, he deserves to be happy and truth be told, most people don't want to be alone. The way I am looking at it is I may gain a good friend with Mary and if nothing else, my dad is happy. It is really hard though cause I feel like my mom got shafted with her disease. Anyway, it's okay to be wary, but your dad probably just wants to enjoy the rest of his life, and our mom's aren't coming back. In my eyes it's better to support and be active, than to alienate and lose him too.  I'm so sorry you lost your mom. Marjorie

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