I was not sure if my mic would work on here

I lost my mum today I did

Now the numbness is setting in again

I think I must have been on autopilot all day no it's starting to sit in and kick in again like I did 9 year ago

Things are just resonating with me today, I guess, and I'm actually in a place where I can write my thoughts. I read this one just a bit ago... "Feelings of grief recede, but feelings of loss remain ever-present."

Another one that hits home as I define what this journey is that I'm on. It seems to more accurately describe how I have felt all along. As I was a 2-year old when my Mother died 42-plus years ago, I don't think I could have had the capacity to consciously grieve.…

I just read something that I hope will stick with me for some time to come.

"Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried."

I am not sure why right now, but that seems to resonate with me. I have carried grief with me my entire life, and I feel like for the longest time I was hoping I'd wake up one day and realize the shroud of grief hanging on my shoulders was finally gone. That day still has not come. However, maybe it is not realistic to expect that…

I think I have known for awhile that my grief is not supposed to be my identity. I think I know that my identity should be defined by the human I have become, despite my loss and my grief. However, trying to figure out who I really am seems to be both a struggle, and it's scary. I feel like I can only identify some of the things that I am and am not. I try to not highlight the things I don't really like about me. I try to focus on the positive things I know I am. But, I spend too much time…

I'm not sure if I am grieving in a positive and healthy way. All I really know for sure is that I miss my family, ...especially my sister, Melissa. Melissa had a way of making me feel important, needed, loved, cared for, special, and she had a way of lighting up a room. I am having difficulty with life in general without her. The world seems so much smaller and darker since she passed. Not near as light-hearted or inviting as before.

My sister taught me to be more accepting of…

I still have no idea why I've been feeling so unwell, and today makes day 5

I haven't been feeling well these past couple of days. My ears hurt, my head hurts, and I have been so nauseated.

I got a laptop the other day, and in setting it up, I was able to save my "bookmarks" on my browser toolbar. And OGS, Online Grief Support is #1.

I've been so wrapped up in Steven and the love we have for each other that, I forgot to do an entry, yesterday.

I'm in a somber mood, tonight. I really don't even want to do my journal entry, but I have been doing better with getting an entry done on a daily basis, and I don't want to fall out of the habit just because my heart hurts.

My ex brother-in-law was admitted to the hospital last night for smoke inhalation. They were saying that they didn't know if he was going to make it at one point. His trailer caught fire,…

Unfornately, my big sister Deann has passed away. The details of what happened are pretty graphic, however, I need to share because until her family chooses to tell others, I'm not going to disrespect them by telling Facebook.

Thing is, I have to talk about what happened to Deann. What happened to her could have very well have happened to me last February. Okay, this is what happened. Before I tell y'all anything about what I know, I'm…

More tragic news: it's becoming very apparent that someone I've looked at as a big sister for the last 10 years has passed away. Deann Marie Clark is her name.

What happened? 

I don't know because I'm in Pasadena and she had moved with Bruce to Dayton, Texas a couple years ago. I'm just finding out that she passed away through people who are saying…

Since the day Jeremy passed away, (especially that first year) I found myself speaking in metaphors; I don't do it as much as I was, and I gotta guess that's a good thing. 

What do I mean when I say that I've been speaking in metaphors? 

It's easier just to give an example of one of the many things I used to say. Like when I was attacked by 3 dogs on…

The weather here in Pasadena,TX is getting warmer. Steven and I spent the majority of 2 days without lights. The power grid wasn't designed for the cold, when it was built. The last time the temperature got into the teens was the late 1800s. 

So, we've faired the weather without a scratch. Y'all have a great day. 

I've lived in the Houston and surrounding area for over 25 years. We've had our "snow" days. Last time was in late '08, and early '09. 

Yesterday, February 14, 2021, Valentine's Day started some of the worst winter weather for the area that has ever been recorded. Right now, the power has been out for less than 30…

Am I supposed to be "used to" my husband not being here for our 18th Valentine's Day? Because I gotta tell ya, I'm not. For the past two days, I have felt extremely insecure, very inadequate, and on the verge of tears. Even though Jeremy and I really didn't celebrate Valentine's Day for years, I still got at least 1 rose. Sometimes, I would also get dinner, but it wasn't a big deal if I didn't. …

Since April 9, 2019, I have told people that I've met to please bear with me when I'm talking because it's as though I have an impairment in my speech or it's like I'm studdering. I was not born with any speech issues, and I have never studdered. Until that day. 

I've been referring to this as a major disconnect between my brain and my mouth. Quite honestly, this is how I feel:…

I've noticed that it's becoming easier to live without you. Although, I will always love you and miss you and I will think of you often, my life is getting easier the less I talk about you. In the beginning, there was no way I could ever fathom not talking about you or to you. It's coming up to the 2 year mark since I lost you, and I have come to realize that talking about you isn't as important to me now as it was the first…

I'm not good at this. I know the point of journal writing is to do at least one entry, but I tend to forget.

I have been trying to post my journal entries around the same time every day, but I'm running behind today because I didn't get up until after 3PM. WOW! That's not like me at all. I guess I needed the rest. Anyway, because I'm not experiencing the day until now, I will post how my day went later. Probably at a time when others are still sleeping or getting off work on the graveyard shift.