Long Term Illness

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Long Term Illness

Did you fight a long battle only to lose your spouse in the end?  You probably knew you would but it didnt make the shock go away?  

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Latest Activity: Aug 29, 2016

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Comment by Amy Ginn on August 29, 2016 at 8:40pm

It's been almost 8 weeks today.  Doesn't sound that long does it?  It feels as if I haven't seen you in years.. I can remember every detail of those last days… EVERY detail. But I can't remember the day of the week or where my keys are.. I can remember our last argument.. About the hospital of course. And our last wonderful time together. Had I only known that Thursday nite in the hospital as we held hands and watched Uncle Buck and laughed.. Had I only  known.. We both talked about how we always loved that movie and we laughed out loud several times!! You know how I'd get home from work and you would be so happy? As was I? That was 8 hours and we barely made it. Now it's been 56 days - that's it. People have business trips longer than that. But it's an eternity when it's been 56 days since I saw your smile.. 56  days of telling myself “you HAVE to get up and make it another days u HAVE to..” 56 days without laughter, ya I laugh sometimes but not the kind that we shared. No one ever made me laugh like you and I could certainly get you laughing until you couldn't even breathe.. It was a blast.  56  days and nights of sunsets and rises without you..56 days since our beautiful daughter lost her innocence and was exposed to the greatest pain in existence.  56 days of not hearing you say “I love you Amy..” At least twice a day.. And I knew it. You could feel it deep inside. But I guess you've had 56 days of being pain free… 56  days of glory..  Do you miss me,  or think of me?  I dread June's now. I dread a lot of things. But I hope to sleep through June 30th of every year for the rest of my life.  You know after cancer, we finally found our “new normal”? After the aneurysms we found a “new normal”? Well here I go again, looking for a “new normal”.. But without you.  We always were able to do it before because we had each other. Things are so different now. I can only pray the new normal isn't how the last 56  days have felt because I can't handle it..  I think how much I hate change yet when I look back since 02/07/98 our life has been nothing but change. God didn't give us an easy road did He?  He did give us an amazing love story though. I find myself wondering if the pain is worse than the love was good..  And I guess I can stop wondering. I wouldn't give up a moment I spent with you. Regardless of how this feels. There were too many times I felt amazing. I always felt loved and treasured. I miss that the most. Knowing someone who loves me more than anyone else or anything  on earth and that that person is home longing for me to return. I hate that I ever wasted a single moment when you weren't with me.  8 weeks..56 days..1344 hours…however you put it, it's too long.. I hope you hear me when I talk to you.. I do it a lot. There are so many things you would be proud of that I've managed to do.. I wish I could share them with you. 56 days. And can only count up. We used to count down until we'd be together again. It's hard, nothing's ever been so “final”. Tell Russ hi.. I love him.. Tell daddy hi and I love him too. I so hope you found all our loved ones..  Tell John hi, I love him too. Most of all, I love you, and with each passing day my love just grows, that will never change. The picture you got me our first Christmas, it really is us in heaven..  You knew all along…  

Comment by Amy Ginn on August 29, 2016 at 8:39pm

I never signed up to be married for 18 years than be tossed into the single pool..  nor do I want to be..  I do hope to learn from you all...  I lost my husband 06/30/2016 we battled STage IV cancer, triple bypasses 6 heart attacks, pacemaker, defibrillator after a wreck where he slipped into a diabetic coma and hit 5 other people, then diagnosis of thoracic aortic aneurysm countless hospitalizations for uncontrollable BP..neck disection surgery to remove the walnut size cancer that remained after 7 weeks of radiation, almost a year on a feeding tube because of the cancer, I had to feed him by pouring the nutrition into an IV type bag that pumped into his stomach.  He was told survival was slim.  But we made it.  In between all of these episodes as we called them, he would seem so normal no one would ever believe he was that sick..  I miss him terribly, I just ache for him... anyway  in all since 2010 43 admissions 51 visits to ER.   I look forward to emailing or chatting with you guys..  take care

 

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