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I (intellectually) know that grief cycles, ups and downs, yet I still let myself fall into the thinking that I was somehow getting 'better'. Memories and thoughts were decreasing in their intensity and frequency. Even had a couple days in December without thoughts of Jen popping into my mind. The emotions that followed were not so gut wrenching. Dreams were absent of her (sometimes even despite requesting she appear).
Then the turn of the year and a completely new dream pops onto the scene. I am young (late teens, early twenties) driving a friend to their home. Not sure who the friend was, the house that I was dropping him off at was not one I remember, but somehow still very familiar. On a corner, circle drive connecting the two intersecting roads diagonally with a portico that you can drive under. The house and drive raised up from the normal ground level about four feet. Somehow, despite being young, I am driving my son's car (it is very loud and distinct). We are driving down the main road, I turn the corner to begin entering the drive and I notice at the house across the street, Jen and her family are standing around, like someone just arrived and greetings are occurring. As I enter the drive and begin up the hill to the portico, I rev the engine to try to draw their attention and then proceed up the hill to the entrance. Then, of course, the alarm goes off!?!?
But my real WTF moment is why was I trying to get their attention by revving the engine? Why did I just revert to bullsh!t, teenage antics to try to draw her to come across the street to come see me? Why the hell didn't I just jump out of the car and run over to hug her??? Most days that is all I long for! Who cares if the car was moving, or even that I was driving? I know better than to resort to those stupid game tactics...just go get the hug! That is all I ask for anymore in my dreams...
I know in my mind that she is gone, that future cannot happen. I have mentioned it in the past. It is still true. But in my heart, I still find myself obsessed with seeing a picture of what life would/could have been. I have gotten to the point to wanting this vision, not to live it (I truly love and enjoy my family), but just to see it, which is an improvement over the past feelings. Why am I still so fascinated by what could have been? It can't happen. Yet still axle-wrapped.
Additionally, does this 'regression' mean I am descending into yet another valley? So tired. I want the sadness to cease, but not to forget just to get past it. How do you let go and be okay?
i dont think you can...letting go....AND being ok...is elusive. I am trying to be Ok...with the memory of all my losses incorporated, while realising that some days will be ok.....and other moments wont. Yet....its ALL ok. I wish you well in your journey ~
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