An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true.  Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions.  This is where I find myself today...

Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident, ignoring it and mindlessly walking through the (supposed) steps of adjustment to a life-changing loss, was a flawed assumption.  In my youth and inexperience, I made the mistake of believing that the world would be filled with Jennifer's, that I would come across (many) people that would be like her, that the depth of the relationships would both be equally as strong as plentiful.  Sure, no person, no relationship, can exactly be replicated, but that there would be people in my life that would hold the same level of connectivity, of richness in character and spirit.  Decades later, I am finally coming to the realization that this was (is) a completely wrong assumption.  I had held out hope, I have searched, but am left with an emptiness still.  Sure, I have my wife in my life, and she is sweet, caring, understanding, even tolerant to a degree that I surely do not deserve.  We have built a life together that feels like it has no bounds.  My kids are fabulous and being a father in general is one of the few things that I feel that I am actually good at and enjoy.  I have a couple of friends that are both tenured and care about me deeply.  All of these people are important connections that mean everything to me.  But, even with decades of interaction within these circles, something is different...missing.

It pains me as much to admit it as it does to experience it.  Why have I held back (again, assuming...assuming that this is the most significant cause of the situation)?  Or is there something intangible that is missing from each of these relationships?  What is this elusive 'something' and why have I not be able to find or replicate it?  Is this truly the key ingredient?  How did I get so lucky to experience it with Jen?

At first, I think, maybe it was that I am trying to shield myself from experiencing this level of loss again.  As if it never is recreated then it can never be taken away again.  But the flip side of this explanation almost contradicts this notion, as I have yearned for this level of connectivity so profoundly, and frequently, that I struggle to hold this out as the answer.  But what else keeps us from developing deep, unfiltered, and substantial connections?

I am at a loss...keep searching for the magic (and elusive) components to recapture a similar connection level?  Can it be developed with existing relationships or will it necessitate a new one?  Or just chock it up to the idea that you are lucky to have experienced it once and a second pass is unlikely (if even allowed)?

At least it is a familiar place to be (lost), but it is uncomfortable nonetheless.  So many questions, but I need answers.

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Tags: Assumptions, Best, Connection, Death, Disenfranchised, Friend, Greiving, Grief, Loss, Love, More…Rebuilding, Relationships


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