This coming Friday, August 5, 2022, I'll be turning yet another year older (44), and you would think that, as time goes by living without you by my side, would get easier; however, it hasn't gotten any easier for me, at all. I miss you, Jeremy James, with every single day that goes by.

The entire first year after you passed, all I wanted to do was die, but I'm still here without you; I've gotta say, 'That's not fair'. You left home, on the way to another job, but you never came back. Your ashes made it to me, but that's not the way I prefer you, which is alive, and right by my side. Instead, I walk this world alone, no matter who I've got beside me. You were my pilot through life, that job belongs to someone else now, but you'll always be guiding my heart.

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Comment by Penny Caywood on August 5, 2022 at 3:56pm

Joe,

I've been finding happiness and contentment through my writing. Since January, this year, I've written one entire novel (40 chapters), and I'm on the 22 chapter of the second. I just wish I could find happiness and contentment with a relationship. I don't expect anyone to try and take Jeremy's place (that's not possible), but I wouldn't mind finding someone who actually loves me for who I am, and that I don't constantly find myself changing for them because they're simply mean.

Comment by Joe on August 4, 2022 at 4:49am

Really sorry to hear that Penny, no man should ever enact violence on a women.  But do continue to search for some degree of happiness and contentment.  I think our loved ones would want that.    Personally, in the wake of my tragedy, I looked inside for answers because I still sensed my wife's love still endured and that connection spoke to a vast world beyond our everyday senses.  And in that, I feel a sense of hope and strength that helps me face the challenges of everyday life alone.  

I have found comfort in two perspectives, which have had an influence in my post-loss world; "Love knows no death" and "If we change the way we look at things, then the things we look at change".

I wish you all the kindness in the world, take care.

Comment by Penny Caywood on August 3, 2022 at 10:46am

Joe,

I agree with you about always trying to find happiness and contentment, though I've had a rough go at both of those things since Jeremy died because the guys I've tried to date all wanted to beat on me due to the fact that they didn't like something I said to them.

Since April of 2019, I've had four grown men wrap their hands around my neck, and try to end my life, and that was because of something I said. No offense to you, but most men (I've noticed) are hateful individuals.

Comment by Joe on August 3, 2022 at 3:19am

Penny,

What never fails to astonish me is the multitude of ways shock & grief manifests themselves.  I think I had a similar experience to you, but in my case, instead of it being verbal I found it was emotional.  Everything was suspended, just a massive formless internal chasm of which I could make no sense and which had no exit sign.  A bit like returning home and finding all the furniture and familiar things your use to seeing have been removed and then having to make a home in that empty space.  It takes time.

I think it is a casual belief that shock is something that wears off relatively quickly.  But I think it is untrue.

Even with the challenges, I do and I think we should always try and find happiness and so degree of contentment where we can :-)

Comment by Penny Caywood on August 2, 2022 at 5:22pm

Something else, I meant to mention this earlier, but forgot. I talk to my husband aloud, no one ever hears me, except Jeremy, but it's been a constant for the last 3 years that I still talk to him as if he were still sitting beside me, alive.

Comment by Penny Caywood on August 2, 2022 at 4:30pm

Joe, 

I completely understand where you're coming from on everything. Especially the 'alternate reality', part because I could visit my husband's family, but nothing was 'right' since Jeremy wasn't there. However, I'm not sure if you or anyone else experienced this: After 16 years of being with my soulmate, when I got the news about his death, it was like I could not form a sentence that made sense the first time. Usually, my words came out, jumbled up, and it took me 4 or 5 times to have them make a sentence that didn't sound like I was from Mars, literally.

Comment by Joe on August 2, 2022 at 3:49pm

I lost my wife 5 yrs. One moment she was here, 3 months later, she had gone and I feel very much the same as echo'd in your sentiments.  I think about her everyday and talk to her in my head like we are still together.  People who haven't lost their loved ones don't realise that those who have, suddenly find themselves thrown into an 'alternate reality', like a bad dream with familiar surroundings, but so very very different.  We lived overseas a great deal and I never knew where home was, until after she'd left.  I only then realised that home was wherever my wife was, to me she was our home.

I sincerely hope things get easier for you, :-)

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