My birthday is tomorrow. 3 weeks after my mom passed away. I have been fearful about it. I am staying at my childhood home right now, taking care of my dad. It has been nice to be with family and where all of my favorite memories with my mom happened. I decided to take my daughter to our favorite café here. Bake a cake and a few of our relatives are coming. Everyone else lives far away. I felt good about it. Then my sister said that she was coming. She has had her own personal struggle dealing with my mom passing and I have respected her way of dealing with it. She kind of disappeared after. She has her own family. I got super excited about her coming because I really wasn't expecting it. But then she said that she couldn't come anyways because her husband had invited her somewhere. I got very disappointed and kind of sad... and a little angry. I am not emotionally stable. Why would she do that to me. It's like getting me super happy and then taking it away from me. It completely ruined my mood. It's something I struggle with. Anger. No one knows because I am very good at staying calm and collected, but it hurts me to be so angry when people are careless. I just wanted to come on here and talk about it. Hopefully it will go away. This is the first time that I have had a birthday in my childhood home without my mom. I feel so hopeless without her. I am not a good hostess. I am not as good a cook or baker. I wish she was here with me. I miss you, mommy ❤️

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Comment by Gen on December 17, 2020 at 3:20am

Hi Sara,

I lost my mother to breast cancer in 2012. I was devastated. I took care of her for a course of a few years before it metastized. I had to work to find myself and my purpose- I did, for awhile. It got manageable to bring her personality and values into my life. Learning to live with her not Physically here, but she showed me she never left. I lost my father in November, not covid, and I had to remind myself, and still do, they are there if you can listen with your mind's eye. It's unexpected but they come when we are in pain. I mean this- blessings. Im with you in our healing and looking for treatment myself.

Comment by Sara on July 21, 2020 at 6:45pm
I'm sorry for your loss ❤ Thank you. I can't even imagine what Mother's Day will be like. Have a feeling it will be the worst day of the year to me.
You don't deserve to suffer like that. It is enough to be grieving your mother. Be kind to yourself ❤
Comment by Joe von Anjou on July 21, 2020 at 5:37pm

My thoughts are with you. My next birthday will also be my first without my mother. My first Mother's Day and July the 4th without her were really bad. I have reason to believe my first birthday without her will not be so bad because I have not celebrated my birthday in years. My mother had vascular dementia in her last years, so I had other priorities.

But I know what you are feeling. Every time I am in between deep sleep and fully waking up, I see the look of horror in my mother's eyes the last few years when she knew something was wrong and just could not speak it.

I also look functional to others. Lat Friday was my mother's funeral. Everyone else was crying. I was not, but I was restless and my hands were shaking. It is karma on my part for failing my mother...and my brother so many decades ago.


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