Well, we are a sad group. For those of us who have been posting here for a while it may be especially tough because we hoped that time would help us heal. Maybe it will, but apparently it's going to take a lot longer than we knew.

There is so much more to this than missing our moms, though that is sure the worst part. It's horrible. I feel for all of you guys. Bluebell, what you have gone through since your mom died is horrible, and now you have to worry about your own health. A broken heart hurts enough without having physical pain as well. Lord knows, I dread the holidays, too. I lost my mom on Christmas Eve, and it was Thanksgiving Day when I realized, without question, that she would die soon.

Theresa, there is something unsaid but I can see it. Your husband doesn't understand what you are going through. I'm not married but I know that feeling. And I bet that you never feel quite as alone as when you miss your mom the most, and he just doesn't understand. To understand what you feel, he would have to have his heart ripped out. We can't just can't, "Get over it". We can't just pull ourselves up by our boot straps. It doesn't work that way. And like me, you focus all of your love on a sweet dog because, like our moms, they love us unconditionally. And not a day goes by when I don't look at my little dog and think, "You're going to leave me, too. You don't want to, but you have to."

Avi, I do feel like this is my karma. That scares me. People tell me that God doesn't want me to be unhappy. I would tell them the same thing. That's just hard to believe when you're the one that it's happening to.

You are all in my prayers. Virginia, I can't believe that this is as bad as prison. If I were in prison, and my mom was still alive, she would come visit me, but I can't imagine the guilt I would feel when I saw her, for doing whatever I did that put me there. I feel guilty enough as it is. Besides, I'm too pretty to go to jail. I don't want a dadgum boyfriend.

Avi

i don’t know how to skype

How have you all dealt with your birthdays

i want my Mom or nothing

Virginia, I feel the same way, but we are not going to get our wish. There are lots of other folks who are alive, and my hope is to share my life with one of them. But right now that seems about as likely as getting over my mom.

Brett. yeesh you are right, I can't everyone how many days it just comes across me like a flash and I cry, but not to discourage anyone my mom still cried 45 years after her mom's death, everytime we went to the cemmetary, she would put her hand on the grave stone and say mom, you worked so hard your life and she would have tears in her eyes, of course my mom was the last of 11 children.  There are no siblings left after my mom passed her last brother passed at 97

Christmas is not what I am looking forward to, but I remember through all the heartache my mom had she still put up the wreaths and window lights, Brett her mom died on Christmas eve also and my dad on December 14th.  So December for me is i month I can do without, my dad on Dec 14, my mom on Dec 19, and grandmom on Dec 24.

It is morning and I feel like crying. I miss the things I used to do with Mom when she woke up. Now all I have are the cats and my dog to care for and keep me company. It just seems like I should be moving on faster than I am and developing a life without her. But there is a hole in my life that I can not seem to fill. I still have so many days where I just feel lost and anxious. I try reaching out to those around me to help fill the void. Sometimes it helps me. But who the hell wants to hear from me at 5 in the morning when I wake up anxious. 

I am trying to develop a closer relationship with God because I think it will help. But it is slow going. A couple of times I have been invited to attend church with a neighbor. I want to go, but so much of the time it hurts my bum to sit for any length of time, even if I have a cushion to sit on. Maybe I should give it a try and if I can not tolerate it, I can go stand in the lobby.

Bluebell

Bluebell

Bluebell, I wake up anxious all the time, its awful and yes you should go to church because only God sees deep into our soul, when I go on Fridays for my hour with the Blessed Sacrament, Adoration its called, it is so peaceful.

Nothing in this world wrong with going to church. It can only help. Most churches have speakers in the lobby for people who need to walk around or stand.

I would also advise joining a group at church. There are a lot of choices. I believe that God reaches us through other people, and church is a great place to find those folks.

This anxiety is hard to get through sometimes. I am having a surge of adrenaline right now with a pounding heart and an unnamed fear. I have a book called "Jesus Calling". This would be a good time to read it. I also am going to text my brother and shoot the breeze. I am going to beat this and not let it get the best of me.

Bluebell

Bluebell and Theresa, what you are both describing is elevated cortisol. It primarily reaches it's highest level at night and in the morning. I would like for both of you to try Cortisol Manager by Integrative Therapeutics. You can find it on Amazon Prime.

I found Jesus Calling on my mom's nightstand the day after she died. I have read it repeatedly.

I love that book Brett. I will check out the Cortisol manager. It can not hurt and might help.

Bluebell

It’s great to wake up shaking isn’t it?  I have had to start taking anti anxiety meds that I didn’t want to take.  It is impossible for me to take care of my Dad.  He doesn’t get it though.  Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s my responsibility and I want him cared for but I can’t.  Not like this.  I am getting angry.  God doesn’t seem to hear me and I don’t understand why.  

Brett,

im all for natural remedies but don’t you think they need to check with dr or pharmacist to make sure it’s ok with their medications?

just a thought to add for safety

A responsible thought Virginia.

Bluebell

I have come to the conclusion that I am clinically depressed. I am seeking the help of professionals. Please wish me a speedy recovery.

Bluebell

Brett, someone gave me that book also.

Bluebell, I will pray for you and Virginia both, but remember God is always with you through good and bad, you will find your way.

I am not one to talk my anxiety is through the roof, I practice a 110 degree Hatha yoga, I feel such peace in the room, and no one judges you, it is wonderful.

I am glad it helps you. I am going to try antidepressants and therapy. That is my choice. I believe enough in myself that with help, I can lead a better and happier life. But it will take some work on my part and I am willing to take the steps to help myself.

Bluebell

I am not sure where I am leading to but life is going on. Guilt is immense and sometimes it triggers like anything. I wish I would have taken more care of my mother. 

Bluebell, wish you a speedy recovery. 

Virginia, please drop me a message on avitiwari26@gmail.com and I will send you my whats app number. We can chat over whats app if you wish to. 

Thanks Avi. I do not think it is going to be an easy battle, but I am willing to do what it takes to get though it.

Wishing you the best Avi. I have been where you are and it is hard when your in that state of thinking to redirect it to you did what you thought was best at the time.

Bluebell

Even if I didn't have guilt, I would still miss my mom very badly.

Me too Brett

The pain seems to get worse everyday.  I guess the numbness is starting to wear off.  I need God to listen to me.  I can’t live like this.

Avi, what is what’s app?  I don’t have a smart phone.

Brett, me too, the only guilt I have is if I did not stop at her house for three minutes, I would have been there, but I was not.

I say it everyday why did I do that...

Seems like we all have our regrets and sadness that we live with every day. But I have noticed for myself that though I still have them, they have softened over time.

Bluebell

On a different subject I want to celebrate this morning of being able to sit comfortably on my bum. Physical Therapy has changed his plan of exercise and it is working after only having 2 sessions!

As Brett suggests, you sure can be griefstricken without feelings of guilt -- for me guilt doesn't seem relevant to my deep sadness about losing my mother.  It's more a combination of loneliness, shock, emptiness, disappointment (because she'd come through so much and was really improving, then suddenly collapsed), and a kind of futile anger at all the suffering she so patiently endured.  I find myself longing to look at photographs of her, but when I do I start crying and have to put them away.  I keep thinking 'I must tell Mom about this' and then remembering I can't.  

Lia, a few lost minutes cannot compete with a lifetime of love that you shared with your mom.

Lia, your post made me cry because I also feel similar. 

I wish you all strength 

Guys, my heart is just broken. So broken. It's not because of some kind of change. It's just three years of sadness that continues to pull me down, and makes me feel that there is very little hope. I am a very spiritual person. When lie was going good it was easy to give thanks to God. My years with mom as her caretaker was emotionally exhausting, t he fear was horrible, but I still had mom. When my mom died I was sure that good things were on the way, but it has just been three years of misery, I have a hole in my heart the size of Texas. To have a bad three years is one thing, but to have it after watching my mom die was horrible. I pray so much. What I'm praying for is not a miracle. It's just a feeling that God is with me through this. That he is walking beside me,  that he has a plan for my life, and that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I believe that we should pray with our hearts and not our mouths. I certainly do that. I just feel like I am dropping my bucket down an empty well. My faith has not been shaken. I believe God is there, but I also believe that either he is going to make me experience this, or that he doesn't get involved, or at least, he doesn't get involved with me. I ask for forgiveness so much.

This past Sunday I slipped out the side door at church. I usually stay and help pick up, and I talk to people. I'm pulling away from people because it doesn't seem they can help, and I am sure that they are tired of hearing about it.

Worst of all, well, losing my mom was worst of all, but you guys didn't know me before my mom died. I was all entertainment all of the time. So many friends would tell me that I didn't have to make them laugh, that they would love me anyway. What a load of crap that was. As the jokes dried up, people started to disappear. Not at first. I  think people thought I would break out of my funk, but when that didn't happen, folks started disappearing.

I focus all of my love on one elderly, blind dog. Lord help me when she dies.

I'll keep going though. I'll keep praying. I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other, but I do not seem to get anywhere.

I will always pray for a wink or a nod. Just something to let me know that the Lord is walking with me.

I'm broken. 

Same Brett, yesterday out of the blue driving home from work I burst into tears saying mom why didn't you wait for me to get there before you went in cardiac arrest, well now isn't that stupid on my part.  

I feel that I am a changed person, not the same as I was before.  I never question God, because I know in my heart he with beside me through thick and thin.

I always say mom please somehow let me know you are near me, nothing yet.

and Brett, my lab is 11 I am watching him age right in front of me getting arthritic, and so on, I pray please God help me, he is all I have, I pray to the Blessed Sacrament in the Chapel every Friday during my volunteer hour, please don't take my dog, not yet.

Guys it is completely 1 year when my mother's cancer was detected. I hope I can go back in time and change everything but I can only live with it. 

Thanks Theressa. Yes hope the questions will be answered. In my country, lot of importance is given to Karma and it is believed that whatever you sow and you will reap the same. Not sure how this karma cycle is analyzed and who decided if this was a bad karma. If I believe that my mom got this horrible disease due to her past karmas then it is very disturbing because she was such a nice lady. Then people say that it is karma of past lives. Hard to understand but need to believe.

Theresa, I don't know if we can be thankful that our mom's died under any circumstances. 

I know you know I did not mean it in that way, but of course not, my question, should I be thankful she did not suffer and lay in a bed and me have to watch her suffer and be able to do nothing as so many had to do on this site.  But as you know is it a double edge sword, you all got to be there with your moms, and let them know you loved them, I did not, as my mom used to say the Lord can take you at any time anywhere and thats exactly how he took her without notice.  We all have heavy hearts or we would not be posting on here, each one of our stories different with the same ending.

I also did not tell my mother that how much I love her. I always took her for granted. 

I can only hope to say sorry now once after I leave the world. Sorry for not taking care of her. 

Hi guys, its been awhile since I posted. Been really busy with work- guess thats a good thing because it means less time for me to dwell on things. My sister just found out she’s pregnant with her fourth kid. Really happy and excited for her, but also very sad that my mom will never meet her grandchild. Tears were shed. I guess this is the reality for us now... happy moments will always have a little bit of sadness. Thats one of the things Im struggling with- everytime something great happens in our family or I achieve one of my personal goals I think “Mom should be here to enjoy this” 

Completely agree Crystal that whenever something good happens, we think that if she would have been here it would have been great. 

HOME IS WHERE YOUR MOM IS

I’d give anything to go home

Good morning all. 

Wishing you all a peaceful day. I hope I am able to live one day without guilt. 

I wanted to post something because I feel like this discussion is slipping away. And I think I know why. We all came here looking for support, understanding, and hope. If ever there was a group of people who understands how much it hurts to lose your mom it's this one. The problem is, none of us feel any better, We are just as broken as we ever were. And I don't know what to do about that. Not for myself or for any of you. I keep hoping though, for all of us. As long as we have hope we have something. 

I just want each of you to know that I like you all so very much. I've never met any of you but I think of you all as great friends. I hope we all get better. I have the highest hopes for Avi because he has a child to give his heart to. But, maybe, hopefully, there is hope for all of us.

Hi Brett

Thanks a lot. Not sure of others, but yes I can say that I am better than before as I need to be involved in lot of activities. India is a country where hundreds of festivals are celebrated and these festival allow you to get involved in religious and family oriented events. In past 15 days there were more than 5 festivals and each of them has its own significance. One of them was a festival where parents fast for whole day without water to pray for better life of their kids. Also on 07 Nov we have Diwali festival which is like Christmas in India and to add to it Christmas is also celebrated with equal zeal in our country. So this diverts the mind a bit but on the other hand I do not enjoy life as I used to do earlier, rarely laugh and have a kind of numbness always. As you know this is more because of the guilt than grief and I guess it will be same through out. 

I am fine to talk to anybody on skype at avitiwari26@gmail.com. Please add. 

Brett yes I agree, I always check in, but I feel the same so no use boring everyone

Getting busy at work because in retail it their time of the year, (fine Jewelry)

Also I have some kind of respirator virus throat sore and horse, went to dr thats what he said.  But still have to go to work.

I miss my mom even more because she was always there for me when I was sick, now I just pray it goes away, what else can I do.

Today we have to bring our 11 year old Lab to vet for bloodwork to make sure his new anti-inflammatory is not elevating his kidney levels, please say a prayer

I will check in later