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LGBT Grief Forum

I've been a member for, oh, just a couple of days, but I've noticed a possible lack of focus on LGBT issues related to the loss of loved ones.

I know what I had to go through - even with medical POA and a will - to gain legitimacy with the "powers that be" with regard to authorization for cremation, among other things.

Just wondering if perhaps there are issues unique to the LGBT community that the other fine people on this site did NOT have to go through.

I welcome your thoughts and concerns.

Let's talk!

Members: 18
Latest Activity: Apr 14

Welcome, Karen.  I hope you can find some support here, or at least some discussion that will help ease a little bit of the pain. 

The site is filled with people who care and who have accepted me as a gay man; however, I felt there are issues that we as an LGBT community might want to discuss.  

I lost my Gary on December 9, 2011.  He lost his battle with colon cancer after a weeks stay in the hospital.  

In the end, he was surrounded by his family.  There isn't a day that goes by where I don't expect him to come in the door any minute.  

It's been a roller coaster of emotion between then and now.   I have "OK' days and I have crappy days.  

His family has embraced me even more than when Gary was alive (and we were all pretty close then).  They have been wonderful to me.

I have our three dogs that I care for these days.   They have kept me from "going around the bend", I'm sure.

How are you doing?  

Discussion Forum

lost of my partner of 15 years 4 months ago 4 Replies

  Looking to chat with someone who has lost their partnerContinue

Started by Cookie Kelly. Last reply by sher Sep 8, 2014.

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Comment by Barbara on February 26, 2014 at 12:18pm

Sure, StaceRanger.

http://www.lesbianwidow.org/

Peace,

-Barb

Comment by StaceRanger on February 26, 2014 at 11:23am

HI Barbara - I would love the name of the site for lesbian widows if you have it.

Comment by Barbara on February 26, 2014 at 10:59am

Philip, thank you for welcoming me here. I had found a site for lesbian widows and I guess I didn't come back here. I see you are just about 6 months ahead of me on your journey. I hope you have found some peace. Many hugs to you.

-Barb

Comment by Barbara on February 26, 2014 at 10:55am

I'm sorry for your loss Michelle. I lost my love of 23 years 18 months ago. I invite you to come to L.I.G.H.T. It is specifically for lesbian widows and gets more traffic than this site.

I wish you some peace on your journey,

-Barb

Comment by Michelle H on February 17, 2014 at 1:51pm

I lost my partner and best friend of ten years to leukemia. I now have to raise four kids by myself which seems impossible. At 34 I am a single mom and a widow.

Comment by Philip B. on October 7, 2012 at 11:58am

Welcome, Barbara.  It still sounds awful to "welcome" someone to something like this, but I can only hope that we, as the LGBT community at large, will be able to understand each other's issues and help whenever possible.

It's been my experience that after a while, family just doesn't know what to say.  I"m not sure if they think I'm ok or not.  They don't want to bring it up for fear that I'll have a meltdown.  They loved him and I know they miss him but they err on the side of caution and just avoid the topic unless I bring it up.

It's been 10 months for me now and I wish I could tell you it gets better, but in my case, it doesn't.   It gets different, just not better.

The smallest and most innocuous things will reduce me to tears instantly.  I miss my Gary every single day.   I dream that he's next to me in the bed or we did something fun or we're laughing about something.  Then, I wake up and the reality of the situation hits me to my core.

We have a small business that I continue to run alone.   It's probably what keeps me on track - the every day grind of going to work.

The worst is when I get home or on days like today - Sunday.  I went to the local farmer's market and now I'm home with no idea what I want to do to fill the day.

Gary was my rock.  My rudder.  I feel like a rudderless boat drifting from one day to the next.  

There's a song that always pops into my head - "pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again".  I just wish I wanted to but I really don't.

Comment by Barbara on October 7, 2012 at 11:13am

Hi everyone. Let me first express my condolences to you all. It's not bad enough to lose a spouse, but to be hit in the face with the uncivil laws in this country and the uncaring family who don't recognize a marriage is a marriage, legal or not... makes it hard to stay sane. I am lucky, as we were able to be legally married on the 16th anniversary of our first date. If she had lived, we would have been together for 23 years on 9/16/12.

She died in her sleep, in our bed, on August 29, 2012. I woke at 12:39am and she was unresponsive. Attempts to revive her after calling 911 were unsuccessful and the policeman responding was the first to say, "I'm sorry for your loss."

It has been just over 5 weeks and it feels like forever. I'm moving through most days doing just enough to survive. When my family left after being with me the first five days and through the service, I was able to contact our lawyer and begin to settle things because I was still in shock. We had wills, both our home and vacation timeshare were in both names and we had left everything to each other - so settling wasn't horrendous. But since the shock has begun to wear off and I realized what I'm doing I have been unable to move forward. Washing clothes and getting myself showered every couple of days is a chore. Eating is only what is already prepared or from a bag. I filled the dishwasher a few days ago and realized there were more dishes from the cat than from me. I hadn't realized I wasn't eating.

I am most amazed at the people who think I'm okay. I was actively loving my wife for 23 years. How can they possibly think I'm okay just 5 short weeks later?

Comment by Randy Simmons on August 11, 2012 at 11:46am

Hi.  I lost my partner of 14+ yrs just last Wednesday.  I came home early from work only to find him dead, face down, on the kitchen floor.  His color was God unreal.  In horror I dialed 911, and the operator talked me through CPR chest compressions until the paramedics and police arrived.  As I applied the CPR I mistook the air exhaling from his lungs as signs he would revive.  The paramedic took one look at him and declared him dead.  At that point I also died.  The only thing keeping me going are our 2 dogs.  I'm hoping the medical examiner's autopsy report will tell me what happened.  I called him an hr or so before leaving work, and I didn't anything like this could happen.

Mike was the love my life.  My soul mate.  After I divorced my 1st wife I never thought I could love any human again.  Sadly I didn't realize how much I loved Mike until his untimely.  I think human nature to take your relationship partner for granted.

Now I'm haing to deal with his parents whom I never had a relationship with.  They seem more like vultures... trying to scoop up everything that was Mike's.  Fortunately the house is completely in my name and all the contents.  There is the issue of $50k "loan" that Mike told his father about.  My argument is that Mike never paid rent or utilities.  I'm contacting a lawyer to see if I can bill Mike estate for this plus his insurance premiums I paid through my company.  If gay marriage was legal I would have to resort to these tatics. I know Mike's wishes, but unfortunately he never updated his will.  My advise to others is Get a Will.  Mike was only 51 yr old.

I haven't eaten anything since Wednesday.  My emotions are on a roller coaster.  I burst out crying about little rememberances of Mike.  I wish he would come to me in my dreams, so we could say good bye.   I want to make sure he's ok, and to wait for me.  I say the rosary everyday for the timely release of his soul from purgatory.

Thanks for letting me pour my soul.  More to come.

 

Comment by Philip B. on May 21, 2012 at 3:19pm

Welcome to Joe and Julieann.   I'm still figuring out the logistics of this site - sorry if this is late in coming.

I was eating lunch the other day and the muzak played Oleta Adam's "Get Here".   That was pretty much our theme song for a variety of reasons.  Anyway, there I was - sitting in Cheesecake Factory eating my lunch with tears coming down my face.

I've found that it's those little things that hit when you least expect it that still cause me to break down.  

The weekends are the hardest part.  Down time with no one to share it with except my little hairy poodle children.   (Yes, I know.   How cliche' but I love them!!).

Comment by Philip B. on May 12, 2012 at 5:46pm

Hi Julieann.   I don't think I took a breath the entire time I read your post.   I am so sorry for your loss.   What a horrible shock to endure, let alone the loss itself.  

I can totally relate about not wanting to go on.   I sit and look around at a house full of things that we chose together.  I do have our three dogs who keep me relatively sane and give me some purpose, but there are days when I just want to die.

His family gave me no problems; however, here in AZ, cremation has to be agreed upon by all living parents, spouses or children.   I had to get his mother's signature on the form.   It was insulting but I realized it was just a quirk of AZ law and not some attempt to take away my status as spouse (for once).

(((Hugs))) right back at you!

 

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