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Comment by Kelly on April 1, 2021 at 3:23pm

I came on here 2 years ago when my bf was killed. At that time there were few posts and everyone was talking about an ex bf dying. I just couldn’t write anything. Reading your posts, which are a couple months old now, about 10 days and 5 months since their death brings me back to those first days and months. So hard to look at. I thought I should be in a mental hospital. I felt insane. Crawling thru the days and not sleeping at night. I got a therapist I could talk about him with. Some help but not really. It’s music and alcohol that get to me. I stopped drinking for many months. Sometimes I listen to the songs that remind me of him on purpose to bring it on, to feel him, to make it hurt. Sometimes I avoid that playlist. Sometimes I accept invitations to go out for drinks, sometimes I avoid people. I never drink at home anymore. I avoid going out drinking when I know it’s a bad time for me. I’ve learned to take care of myself that way at least. Read “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” and watch the documentary “Speaking Grief”.

Comment by Linda Baker on January 20, 2021 at 1:12am

I'm new here and so happy to find this group. I lost my Soulmate 5 weeks ago today. We knew each other for over 40 years and he was my crutch and fixed every problem for me (very codependent).
Was hoping to get a pinch of his ashes for a necklace but his wife is a bitch. We were BFFs in recent times but were engaged at one point when they were separated. His wife just learned about this and thinks we both lied to her as someone told her we were still engaged when he passed away. Not true, engagement ended 4.5 years ago when he went Code Blue and that caused them to decide to work on their marriage.
I'm lost without him, especially when my adult daughter and I argue. He was always my voice of reason and knew everything about me so knew how to calm me down. Now I don't have anyone.
Theres lots to catch up.on but that's a nutshell version for now.

Comment by Addie on August 27, 2020 at 12:26pm

Jo, I’m so sorry. Last year, when I lost my love, I read somewhere that grief is like a ball in a box, and in that box is a pain button. At the beginning of grief, the ball is huge and so the pain button is always getting hit. As time goes on, the ball gets smaller, but when the button gets hit, it still hurts as badly as it did in the beginning. I’m finding this to be very accurate. My pain button was hit constantly in the beginning by every sight or smell or thought that produced a memory. It doesn’t get hit as often now, but when it does, it still hurts like hell. Your pain button is probably hit 100 times a day. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

I also read that grieving people need to be able to tell their stories. That is what is extra hard for those of us in secret relationships. Who do we tell our stories to? I was lucky to have two friends to confide in and I got a counselor, but I wasn’t able to publicly grieve or take off work or cry in front of my family. That is brutal. So I wanted to let any of you know that if you want to tell your stories to me and talk about your loved ones, Im here to listen.

Comment by Jo on August 26, 2020 at 10:08am

I’m new here just lost my boyfriend. He was my best friend and the love of my life. I miss him so much. He has been gone ten days. I can’t eat sleep work. I am devastated. His wife sent me a message from his phone. When I saw his name come up I lost it. I’m not ok. All the memories and plans we had. I miss him

Comment by CC on August 21, 2020 at 9:25am

Thank you Melissa for your kind words and good energy. I don't wish this pain on anyone.

Comment by CC on August 21, 2020 at 9:23am

Thank you for your support..I had to see a lot of pictures up there in his memorial and I was no where in them. Hearing how his family described him and knowing he was looking for me in April this past April makes me furious at him. Hearing all these things that I know were not true from his family makes me angry. You are brave to have gone to the funeral. I am sorry about your pain too.

Comment by Addie on August 20, 2020 at 10:41pm

I spent months of last year crying in secret, so I know well what you’re feeling. I went to his funeral, where a lot of the pictures in the slideshow were taken by me, but no one in his family knew I existed. I finally sought counseling, which has helped some. I can tell you that it does get easier, even though I know it doesn’t feel like it will. But there are still many days that I cry again when I realize he’s not out there anywhere to text or talk to.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Comment by CC on August 20, 2020 at 7:03pm

Thank you Addie...it is. I have to hide from my family I cry in secret when the tears come. We always vowed to be life long friends and I lost that too. I miss just knowing he was a phone call away.

Comment by Addie on August 18, 2020 at 3:43pm

I’m so sorry CC. Grieving is so hard. Grieving in secret and alone is the worst.

Comment by CC on August 17, 2020 at 9:23pm

I am new here. I just lost the man I was seeing on and off for the last 4 years. We have known each other for 8 years were friends first..coworkers. I had to watch his funeral via liveatream he passed from COVID..he was a Healthcare worker and contracted it at work. I saw how his wife and parents can mourn him openly and I have to pretend among our friends I'm just like the other friends when I was much more. I love him and can't say it, and will never be able to say it.

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