Being the Other Woman/Other Man

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Being the Other Woman/Other Man

This is for anyone who has lost their lover to death and you were the other woman/other man in their life. We have to grieve in silence. I can't find any support groups and feel like I'm the only one going through this situation

Members: 32
Latest Activity: Aug 28

Discussion Forum

zoom groups?? 1 Reply

Hi, are there any zoom meeting for this specific group?  If so, when?  Anyone in South Florida?Thank you,LizzieContinue

Started by Lizzie. Last reply by Alice Smith May 28.

zoom groups??

Hi, are there any zoom meeting for this specific group?  If so, when?  Anyone in South Florida?Thank you,LizzieContinue

Started by Lizzie May 28.

I want to scream that I loved him and he loved me 3 Replies

His name was Russell. I am Kelly. Russell and Kelly. I can say that here.

Started by Kelly. Last reply by Lizzie May 28.

I'm grateful I found this group 8 Replies

I have been struggling completely alone for nearly 2 years. I felt like there HAD to be others in my position out there but I had no way to find out.  I finally found a shrink who told me the term…Continue

Started by Alice Smith. Last reply by Tina Apr 6.

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Comment by Money on August 28, 2021 at 6:14am

Thank you! I need support right about now!

Comment by Tina on August 27, 2021 at 5:03pm

Hi Money,

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is never easy to lose someone but to lost a love that was a secret feels so much worse.  However, through this group I am found great support and having the chance to talk to them has really helped.  I hope that I can be part of the support for you as these women have been for me.

Comment by Money on August 25, 2021 at 8:52pm

Thank you. but I haven’t cried yet and I don’t know why. I’m just tearing up inside while putting a smile on my face. 

Comment by Addie on August 22, 2021 at 8:12pm
Money,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It does get better and the pain dulls somewhat. It’s been 2.5 years for me, and now I can think of him without despairing, though I still miss him so much. Grieving in secret makes it so much more intense. I was suicidal in the months after but had to hide it all from my family. I recommend a good counselor, someone who will listen and not judge.
Comment by Kelly on August 22, 2021 at 8:03pm
Hello Money -

So sorry you are going through this. I wish I had a magic thing to say about coming to peace with it. All I can tell you is that you need to gather around you some people who make you feel supported and that in time it will become easier to manage. I am 2.5 years past his death. It’s not a constant pain anymore.
Comment by Money on August 22, 2021 at 7:29am

Good morning, 

I’m new here to this group in search of help, advise, and to express my feelings to those who can relate to my feelings of losing a lover of 10years. 


I am a newlywed and married my husband whom I’ve been with for 18 years. And two days after wedding my best friend and lover died and 3 days after my birthday he was laid to rest. 

I am so hurt but I can’t express it, I can’t cry out or grieve because only a few people know. In addition we have a child together, which my child only knows my husband as her dad. My lover knew he that he was her biological child but he never pressured me to tell the truth and I never planned too. 

I went to the wake but I did not go to the funeral or burial. His last message to me was “ am I ever going to see you again” I miss him so much and no one knows how much pain I am in.

I really want to reach out to his family but I do not want to open a can worms that can jeopardize my household.

What can I do to be a peace with not having my love not in my life anymore?

Comment by Kelly on April 1, 2021 at 3:23pm
I came on here 2 years ago when my bf was killed. At that time there were few posts and everyone was talking about an ex bf dying. I just couldn’t write anything. Reading your posts, which are a couple months old now, about 10 days and 5 months since their death brings me back to those first days and months. So hard to look at. I thought I should be in a mental hospital. I felt insane. Crawling thru the days and not sleeping at night. I got a therapist I could talk about him with. Some help but not really. It’s music and alcohol that get to me. I stopped drinking for many months. Sometimes I listen to the songs that remind me of him on purpose to bring it on, to feel him, to make it hurt. Sometimes I avoid that playlist. Sometimes I accept invitations to go out for drinks, sometimes I avoid people. I never drink at home anymore. I avoid going out drinking when I know it’s a bad time for me. I’ve learned to take care of myself that way at least. Read “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok” and watch the documentary “Speaking Grief”.
Comment by Linda Baker on January 20, 2021 at 1:12am
I'm new here and so happy to find this group. I lost my Soulmate 5 weeks ago today. We knew each other for over 40 years and he was my crutch and fixed every problem for me (very codependent).
Was hoping to get a pinch of his ashes for a necklace but his wife is a bitch. We were BFFs in recent times but were engaged at one point when they were separated. His wife just learned about this and thinks we both lied to her as someone told her we were still engaged when he passed away. Not true, engagement ended 4.5 years ago when he went Code Blue and that caused them to decide to work on their marriage.
I'm lost without him, especially when my adult daughter and I argue. He was always my voice of reason and knew everything about me so knew how to calm me down. Now I don't have anyone.
Theres lots to catch up.on but that's a nutshell version for now.
Comment by Addie on August 27, 2020 at 12:26pm
Jo, I’m so sorry. Last year, when I lost my love, I read somewhere that grief is like a ball in a box, and in that box is a pain button. At the beginning of grief, the ball is huge and so the pain button is always getting hit. As time goes on, the ball gets smaller, but when the button gets hit, it still hurts as badly as it did in the beginning. I’m finding this to be very accurate. My pain button was hit constantly in the beginning by every sight or smell or thought that produced a memory. It doesn’t get hit as often now, but when it does, it still hurts like hell. Your pain button is probably hit 100 times a day. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

I also read that grieving people need to be able to tell their stories. That is what is extra hard for those of us in secret relationships. Who do we tell our stories to? I was lucky to have two friends to confide in and I got a counselor, but I wasn’t able to publicly grieve or take off work or cry in front of my family. That is brutal. So I wanted to let any of you know that if you want to tell your stories to me and talk about your loved ones, Im here to listen.
Comment by Jo on August 26, 2020 at 10:08am
I’m new here just lost my boyfriend. He was my best friend and the love of my life. I miss him so much. He has been gone ten days. I can’t eat sleep work. I am devastated. His wife sent me a message from his phone. When I saw his name come up I lost it. I’m not ok. All the memories and plans we had. I miss him
 

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