My name is Wendy and I am a relatively new member. I lost my husband of 27 years, June 8th, 2019 to homicide. He was one of five lives that were lost in a mass killing in White Swan, WA. He was the love of my life. The circumstances surrounding his death are still surreal to me. During the initial months that followed that horrific day, my three Sons and I were only provided details of his murder through national media coverage. A life that was very private became very public knowledge as my husband, the father of my three Sons, life and death in intimate detail became known. As the investigation has been ongoing, new details continue to emerge. I am left with so many conflicting feelings. From everything that is known and what has been shared with me by the FBI, my husband was at the wrong place at the wrong time. But the place that he was at was not a place he should have been, nor was it surrounded by individuals that a married father, grandfather, prominent business owner should have been keeping company with. I keep second guessing everything, blaming myself, wondering what I missed, what I could have done differently that day, if I could have prevented it. We have 3 grown sons, as it was their father, why couldn’t it have been me instead. Without going into too much detail, I learned some things that I wish I had not and I’m sure he believed I never would. It’s very hard because I can’t ask him for clarification, we can’t resolve whatever issues there were, we can’t talk thru it and there is no closure, only questions. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? I feel very much alone.

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Wendy,

My husband died as well, though in a very different way (sudden heart attack).  I'm sure that the way your husband died adds additional pain and stress to your life, and I am sorry you are having to experience that. I know you will probably keep second-guessing, but there is truly no point to doing that, as it doesn't change anything. You are still here, and I'm sure your sons are glad about that. 

So while I haven't experienced anything similar to what you have experienced, other than my husband having died as well, I didn't want you to feel that no one had read your post.  {{{{hugs}}}}

p.s. I am rarely on this site anymore, so if you respond to this post and I don't respond again, please don't take it personally.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  This type of loss is traumatic and I hope you were able to seek out grief counseling.  Have you been given any coping strategies?  Grief therapy is of utmost importance.  If you are looking for a therapist near where you live I would be happy to send you some names of therapists that handle trauma.  Just let me know.  Wishing you peace.  ((((hugs))))

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