My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.

My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart.  I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know).  We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding.  His death killed him and destroyed me.

 

I cannot begin to explain the devastation.  From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die.  I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife.  I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him.  If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.

 

The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should.  The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together.  But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live. 

 

People say "It's sad, but you have to move on".  No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way.  The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will.  For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that.  The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me).  I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died). 

 

I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for.  I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him.  No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.

Tags: husband, soulmate

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Bluebird, I agree with this this:

"It makes no sense to me, and what makes even less sense is that so often good people die young(ish) and bad people often get to live out their lives."  I wish I knew why that happens.  It's so wrong.

I don't know what god would allow things like that to happen, as well as all the people dying so horrifically from Covid-19.  

I lot of people move on after they lose the love of their lives, but I, like you and Joe, never will.  I like the notion that we move forward with them.  I think that is the best way to think about it from my view.  My girlfriend is always with me until we meet again.

In about 1.5 months, it will be 8 years since my husband died. For me, the pain has not lessened, nor has the sense of shock. I still find myself sometimes caught short by my disbelief, the sense that this cannot be real. I just re-read my initial post here, and everything I said in it remains true. 

I have isolated myself as much as possible since my husband died, as I have no desire to participate in life -- to me, my current existence is a farce, a bare and shadowy simulacrum of life. I spend some time with my sister and her husband, see my Mom occasionally (my Dad lives further away, but we talk on the phone), go to work, and go to the thrift shop twice a week (I have always liked doing that, and it functions as a kind of therapy for me). All of this is pre-Covid, of course. The strange thing is that because of my self-isolation, the Covid quarantine, social distancing, etc., is probably less difficult for me than it is for many other people. Aside from the obvious health concern possibilities, my life hasn't changed much due to the pandemic, since I've been isolating for the last almost-eight years anyway.

I have been having a few (non-Covid) health scares lately; so far things are ok, but I honestly don't know what I want to happen. I don't want to be alive, but I also don't want to die any kind of painful, lingering death. Ideally I just want to die peacefully unaware while asleep; failing that, an instantly fatal heart attack seems ok. It's a very odd position to be in -- both wanting and not wanting to hear good news from the doctor.  

I sometimes wonder the percentage of people who react long-term to a spouse/partner's death in the way I do, and the percentage who instead want to live and "move on" with their lives. I really do wonder about the numbers, and also about the factors that go into making people react in one way or the other.  For myself, I know that being so deeply in love with my husband is a huge factor, but there are probably people who also love their deceased spouses but who wanted to live anyway. I also know that my husband being my only romantic & sexual partner is a factor, but there are probably other people in that situation who have wanted to live anyway, and maybe have wanted to have other relationships. 

Ah well, I'm rambling, sorry.  The upcoming date of my husband's death has got me particularly thinking about all this today. It always makes me think of the M.S. Merwin poem "For the Anniversary of My Death":

For the Anniversary of My Death

Every year without knowing it I have passed the day

When the last fires will wave to me

And the silence will set out

Tireless traveler

Like the beam of a lightless star

Then I will no longer

Find myself in life as in a strange garment

Surprised at the earth

And the love of one woman

And the shamelessness of men

As today writing after three days of rain

Hearing the wren sing and the falling cease

And bowing not knowing to what

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