My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.

My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart.  I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know).  We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding.  His death killed him and destroyed me.


I cannot begin to explain the devastation.  From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die.  I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife.  I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him.  If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.


The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should.  The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together.  But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live. 


People say "It's sad, but you have to move on".  No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way.  The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will.  For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that.  The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me).  I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died). 


I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for.  I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him.  No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.

Tags: husband, soulmate

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Bluebird and I touched on your thoughts about the afterlife.  As I mentioned, I would like to believe that our separations from the most important people in our lives are only temporary, and that these X-amount of years is the blink of an eye compared with the forever that we will spend with them.  They say that the reunion will be spectacular and that life is so much better there.  I think a lot of this is unknowable by design.  We're not supposed to know.  But I think it is myopic to dismiss the possibility out-of-hand, as I have done a long time ago before I lost my girlfriend, Mila.  An analogy would be that you're listening to a radio station, but because you don't hear the other stations you don't think they exist. 

Consider that the University of Virginia has the Department of Perceptual Studies.  It's staffed with learned professionals - PhDs, MDs, etc.  They take it very seriously.   There is too much evidence out there for me to say it's nonsense.

Believing or knowing that doesn't help now.  We want them here.  But the possibility that this is NOT the end helps some of us.  For me it's the only thing.


I'd like to think that we will be together again. I think I have always believed's just SO EXREMELY VITAL this time. It just has to be so.

I do believe that the soul does not die, and energy does not dissipate. I have had real sensations of loved ones 'coming' to me...and not because I wished it to be so. It was always quite spontaneous, not having been thinking about them at all, as a matter of fact. But real, nonetheless.

Have any of you experienced that? I have not yet with my love...I will not ever force it, I need it to be 'real'.

Now, as for brother was an accomplished drummer, jazz his style of choice. I am very familiar with the jazz drummer greats because of him. Me? Although I can really appreciate jazz, I am a classic R&R child and drums are my favorite is all I hear in a song (unless there is an extraordinary guitarist). I would love to learn to play them someday.

I have had some experiences which may have been signs from my husband, but I can't be sure -- I truly wish I could be. I'm glad you have had the sensation of your loved ones coming to you.

That is really good that you have had those sensations.  Medium Blair Robertson suggests that we are receiving many signs that we miss because we aren't paying attention, but I think that is easier said than done.  I don't know how we go through the day being more open and aware.  I really hope you receive some from your love.  Do you have an opinion on night visits/lucid dreaming? 

That is cool about your brother. Are you familiar with Cobham or Tony Williams?  In my opinion, John McLaughlin is extraordinary on the guitar.  Jazz, rock, acoustic, classical, flamenco, fusion, Eastern, Indian, etc.  He is blazingly fast and fun to watch.  Dennis Chambers once said that a great drummer is one who can play any major style at the professional level.  I think that applies to guitarists, also.

I am not sure, who you addressed in your post - the reply-limit is not really helping - but I wanted to weigh in on it anyways.

I have listened to many talks, and many accounts of NDEs. It is a bit sad that those are the only ways we get to know of a world that is more than what we perceive on a daily basis.

It is good that there are people looking into this, but in the end all they can also do is tally numbers on the symptoms that are reported on.

I often wonder whether there really is one big (sub)conscious for all of us. And I wonder and fear what happens when we return to that consciousness. Are we still ourselves, if we merge with it?

I know, I sound a bit defeatist right now, but because everything is just so ... nebulous, I find myself alternating between hope and despair. (In a show I've seen, someone postulated, that hope and despair are the same thing. The only difference is whether you perceive the outcome as positive or negative.)

It's just so ... dissatisfying that the only thing we can rely on, is so very ... fickle.


I share your concern about what happens to us if there is an afterlife to which we go after we die, if it is one consciousness, etc.  I am of the opinion that if there is such a thing, we are not (cannot be) forced to merge with it. I think we still remain ourselves, and that is what I intend to do, as long as that is what my husband has also done. Otherwise, my plan is to completely destroy myself, as I have no desire or intention to exist as some insignificant mote in an amorphous consciousness.

I agree that it is sad that we can't seem to really know what, if anything, comes next. That's fucked up.

Hello Luna, Bluebird, JeffC...been thinking about all of you and wanted to check in. How are you doing?

Thank you for thinking about us.

I am pretty much okay at the moment, so there is no need to worry about me.

How are you doing, though?

To be honest, not great. This is not getting any better/easier. I still wake up every morning in disbelief, cry every day and still do not want to live without him.

I am immersing myself in things, looking for some purpose and/or reason to hang on. I started a new job a week and a half ago (how I even got a new job at this time I do not know)'s been tricky...on one hand, is a good diversion and on the other hand I am not who I used to be as an employee (no less a new employee). 

So, still very uncertain about everything...

I understand very much. If it gets better at all, then you're probably looking at at least half a year.

It changes you. More than anything could have ever done, I think.

I can understand the diversion. I've also used my job to get my mind off of it for a while, but it's always coming back, as soon as your thoughts are not occupied otherwise.

My heart goes out to you.

(And don't force yourself to decide anything that isn't necessary right now.)

Thanks. Definitely not who I was, just don't know if there is (or will be) another me. I don't really know if I want to find out.

Remind me, long has it been for you?

A few days ago, I've completed my sixth year without him. (November 5th)

I often wonder what he'd think of the world today, or whether he left, because a part of him knew what was to come.



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