Hello! I am new here...I really need some words of encouragement! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me! A year this past February, I lost my first love, high school sweetheart and love of my life...

i am 51 yrs old (he was 52) and we got reconnected in mid 2015. We were each other’s first loves more than 30 yrs ago. He found me on FB and sent me a friend request, which I prompty accepted. I hadn’t seen him in more than 10 yrs as we live in the same city. I knew he was divorced from his first wife and had 2 kids but that was about it. We began chatting on a daily basis, catching up on each other’s lives. He told me that I was the love of his life and in all these years, he thought about me constantly. He had remarried four years earlier and I am married as well with 3 daughters. One thing led to another and it quickly escalated into a full blown affair. The old feelings reignited and it seemed that time had not passed. I was in heaven and so was he.....until his wife found out....then the nightmare began.

A vicious cycle of disappearing and reappearing started, as his wife was on to him like a hawk. She checked his phone continuously and even had it tracked among other horrific things like blocking me from all social media, calling my husband and even telling people so my in laws would know all about our affair. All this took a tremendous toll on me, him and our relationship. He would tell me he loved me and would leave her (even had me look for apartments) and then just bail on me only to come back a few days later telling me she knew it all and wouldn’t let him even use the phone!!! Even though this was happening, I do believe he really loved me as I felt it in his words, his touch and his embraces.....He just didn’t have the tools, or guts, to do what needed to be done....

The last time I saw him was Feb 2, 2017. We went to our usual spot. We kissed, we hugged, we laid in bed together blissfully as he told me he needed more time to settle his business with her so we could finally be together forever. As we were walking towards the door to say goodbye, he said he would call me so we could meet the following day. (I never called him as I didn’t want to cause him any more trouble.) He told me he loved me, we talked on the phone on our way to our respective homes.  I never heard from him again.

On February 22, a friend of mine called me and told me he passed away that morning due to cardiac arrest....I fell to the floor sobbing desperately as I knew what was coming (or not coming) next. I couldn’t go to the funeral, the mass, I couldn’t talk to any family members, I got no condolences, no sympathy for my pain. I was officially invisible. Plus, now I had to wonder what happened, why didn’t he contact me prior to that day. To make matters even more painful, I wrote his wife twice, once to offer my condolences that very same day, and another one a few months later apologizing for all this mess and I never received an answer....I was ignored once again!

It’s been a year already and I still cry every day in hiding. I can’t talk to anyone as no one understands the devastation this has caused me. My soul has been destroyed and my heart has been shattered. He is constantly on my mind and I feel him talking to me, as if trying to comfort me. I guess I’ll never really know what his real feelings were....I just try to believe they were true for my own sanity. This has been the most painful episode of my life. My questions will be left unanswered forever....How do I continue living with this pain?

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Veronica,

I am so sorry for your pain. I am also experiencing a huge loss right now, not because my affair partner died, but because his wife found out, and she has insisted we have no further contact of any kind, even though we were friends for ten years before the affair and even though he and I published a co-authored book chapter that, ironically, just came out this month. We also both have been pivotal in each other's careers and emotional lives, but none of that seems to matter to anyone else because we had sex. He also told his wife that it was a one-time thing that happened and that I pressured him, which I was then stuck confirming (long complicated details), even though the reality is that the affair lasted about a year. I feel really and sincerely awful for the pain we caused while also feeling angry at society for refusing to see this relationship as anything more than unidimensional, and for seeing it as de-facto threatening to his family, even though what I would have liked was open polyamory, not for him to leave his wife (I am also married and do not want to leave my husband). I am also angry at him for sort of throwing me under the bus, although part of me also understands, or at least has compassion. I could use a friend who identifies with the grief, too, right now, if you would like to get in touch. My email is magdalenerysak@gmail.com. Hope to hear from you. ~Maggie

Hi Krista! Thank you for sharing your story. It has been almost 17 months after his passing and I still cry every day. I have to wait until everyone leaves the house so I can hide in my room and cry. It’s all I can do, as no one understands my pain except women who have gone through this tragedy. The hardest part is the lack of closure, the unanswered questions, the non existent support and especially, not being able to be with him prior to his death. (I don’t even know how he died) I was treated like crap by both of them but I do believe he had feelings for me. The wife had him on a short leash and he did not have the emotional capacity to do what had to be done. God only knows what other issues were simmering in their marriage. He was clearly unhappy or he wouldn’t have pursued me. I don’t know what goes through these men’s heads but I am sure they must love their affair partner. It’s just that they’re weak, lazy and controlled by the wives. I am certain most of them regret dismissing us at some point. Unfortunately for them, and us, their time ran out....then we mourn them once again....

I hope I can stop thinking about him and continue to live whatever time I have left. All I know is I will never be the same. I will never love another man like him again....

May you heal and live peacefully! I will have you in my thoughts and prayers. 

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