Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Michael on November 25, 2016 at 1:35pm

Maxey
Yesterday was my first Thanksgiving without her. I ate at a restaurant. I barely touched my food. I am also lost, empty, in pain and fearful. I lie in bed most days doing nothing. What am I to do?

Permalink Reply by morgan on November 25, 2016 at 2:44pm

Barbara And Michael,

Days pass and we all feel such deep longing for our beloved.  We wonder how it is that we are supposed to continue on this path of loss.  I have one word.  Endurance.  As defined in the dictionary:the fact or power of enduring an unpleasant or difficult process or situation without giving way, the ability to sustain a prolonged stressful effort or activity.  

Death has provided the ultimate test of our lives.  It is a daily test.  

I wonder how my husband would have endured and I know the answer.  I don't know how I have endured it this long.  I guess because I have been unable to take the only other option opposed to living.  At one point, especially early on(meaning about the first year and half) I had accumulated enough drugs to do me in.  And as time passed I found myself setting out another "have to do" before I go goal.  I realized I would not want any of my family to have to tie up my affairs like I have had to do given what was left after my beloved died.  Not a lot, just enough to make me feel as though I had to make it more tidy.  As I have gone about doing that i have taken on certain responsibilities to achieve that end.  I am still in the process.  

None of what I am doing makes the hurt go away.  None of what I am doing has any real purpose for my joy or happiness.  It's just a task that I feel I need to do.  Meaningless groundhog days.  I project that in a year or two I will have accomplished what I need in order to feel that I can leave this world without alot of complications for those left behind.  Even as I write this I want to chuck it all and say "who cares".  Let them sort through it.  

So the battle in may brain is waged everyday.  I want to leave and not bother with what remains and then I think about those who would have to deal with that and I then I say to myself but think of how you felt when your beloved died.  

Every day is still an ongoing struggle. After this long I get a bit longer interludes of being able to stay afloat without the tide of tears whisking me off into my deep dark hole.  But the love was also so deep, not dark, but deep and full of light.  I want the light more than I can say but I still am unable to choose the only other option.  Something has stopped me.  I dont know what it is.  Is it really tying up my affairs?  Probably not, but I can use that as an excuse for why I am enduring the pain.  

Nothing compares to what this pain is and I wish I could understand why we are having to endure it.  I just know it hurts like hell.  I just know that I am still enduring.  And I just want it to stop but it isn't.  

So I get up daily and try to keep myself distracted.  Its been the best thing I have found to sidetrack myself.  I work like a maniac at distracting myself.  Anything, Tv, computer, writing, reading, I am rehabbing a house, doing crafts, thrift shopping.......anything that keeps my mind from having to constantly think about how much I miss him.  It doesn't always work and there have been millions of time I just break down no matter where I am or what I am doing.  At those times I just let it happen.  I cant stop it.  And then I try to pick myself back up and recover from some of the most debilitating sorrowful episodes of crying that sap me of every bit of myself.  I've been doing this for too long.  Yes, I want it to end.  But I haven't figured out a way to do that yet.  All I can say is I hope my biochemistry gives out from all this stress because I certainly have the disease called grief in spades.  I'd give my life in an instant for someone who wants to be here.  In an instant.

morgan

Permalink Reply by CJ Moore on November 25, 2016 at 3:03pm

You are not a sad sack, just honest. This is the second for me too - my husband died on November 14, 2015. The first Thanksgiving and Christmas were somewhat of a blurr, I really don't remember much of either. Believe it or not, my 17 year old son and I cannot even remember if he came with me to a relative's house or not! How can we not remember that? Yesterday was just terrible, although we spent it with family. I really pray that life gets better for all of us. This pain plainly s^cks.

Permalink Reply by ShingingLight1967 on November 25, 2016 at 3:40pm

I read through these and think, how can we be put through such pain and anguish.

This is my first Thanksgiving without my husband.  What a joke. I try and put on a happy face. Laugh, enjoy... but when I got in my car to come home, the tears flooded down.  This isnt fair.  This wasnt supposed to be the rest of my life. This just wasnt.

I too have thought to myself I wish I was no longer her. The thing that keeps me going is I cant leave my kids yet. I cant have them go through another loss again. Not yet, not this soon.  So, everyday, I too, put everything in order to ensure they are taken care of, and I have given myself 4 years.  My youngest will  well into college by then, and I can make sure they will be well taken care of. 

So, that is what I move towards. Everyday.  And I too dont care if there is an "afterlife" or not. Where I sit, either there is and my husband and I will be reunited, or there isnt, and I'm just gone.

I just want to give you all hugs though.  As we plow through this holiday season, just hugs.

Permalink Reply by Michael on November 25, 2016 at 3:47pm

We need hugs

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on November 25, 2016 at 4:18pm

I am nothing without my wonderful Husband Julian, who I lost to colon cancer 3 1/2 years ago.

Permalink Reply by Maxey on December 6, 2016 at 1:14pm

Hi, Linda,
I see that you lost your husband 3* years ago, and it struck me that I do not think I can make it that long; you are to be commended for your bravery. I have endured just one year, and I keep thinking that this is such hell. I don't know if I can survive another year or, at times, another week.
You and your husband look so happy together; I guess we all remember those love filled days.
I hope you have some good days ahead, and I hope I can make it through like you have done.

Permalink Reply by Jan on November 26, 2016 at 9:57am

Maxey, I wish I could tell you that it gets better, but so far it hasn't for me.  I can relate to every word you wrote.  Sometimes I feel the only thing keeping me here is the fact that my 90yr old mother has already lost 2 of her kids and I don't want her to go through that again with whatever time she has left.  It also makes me feel like as sack of garbage that as I write this, my 90 year old mother is volunteering for Meals on Wheels and I sit on my butt feeling so broken that I need to remind myself to breathe at times.  Nothing in this world can  ever prepare you for feelings like these and nothing seems to help them either.  I know your pain - mine has been 2 years now - and it seems to get worse instead of better for me.  I know some people avoid me because they are tired of seeing the look on my face and not knowing what to say to me.  I look at the ones that I hear complaining about their marriages and want to tell them to stop but it wouldn't do any good because you just can't understand until this horrible thing happens to you.  God Bless you and please don't give up.  Please know that you have all of us that know what you're going through and feeling.  It helps me some.

Permalink Reply by Maxey on November 27, 2016 at 2:09pm

It always helps to read replies, so thanks everyone! I hope we can all have at least one happy, enjoyable time during this season - we deserve that! We need to take just one hour to do something for ourselves and try to see some hope for the future. I know it will take all of our energy, but I am going to try to schedule one thing that relieves this pain.
Peace to all of you.

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on November 27, 2016 at 2:52pm

Hi Maxey,

This year for Christmas I am going to Hallandale, Fl and enjoy the Gulfstream Casino and Marid Gras Casino that we both enjoyed so much. I know I will cry when I go to his favorite penny machines that helped ease his cancer pain.

Permalink Reply by Kevin Bailey on November 27, 2016 at 2:27pm

I feel the same way, the one person I spent years with raising our kids is gone, this was supposed to be our time together, our time to go to the movies, go to dinner, sleep in and make love love, our time to go on trips and be adventurous, our time to enjoy eachother without any interruptions.I love you so much my heart hurts.

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on November 27, 2016 at 2:47pm

Hi Maxey,

Your post hit the nail right on the head for me. I am nothing without my wonderful Husband Julian.

This was out last Christmas Together.

Linda

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