So now I am mad as hell at my deceased husband. He has left me and 2 adult children. I am tied to a job that I go to each day and hate. I have to go there to keep my family going and I am mad. My son has become very angry and this is second night that we have had a blow up. I have no patience with anyone or anything and I need to take additional time off from work but that is not possible because I have disrupted my department enough in the past year with having to take off because of my husband's illness. I am mad because I was not able to help him, I did the best that I could- so much so that the doctors and nurses thought I was a physician. Why didn't he listen to me years ago when I said, stop smoking, lose weight, control your blood sugar levels, see a nephrologist. All the time you constantly laughed or ignored my pleas until you had the stroke, diabetes ate away at your arteries and heart and ruined your kidneys, dialysis took your heart and sarcoidosis ruined your liver. I am now left to pretend to all that I am doing fine and I am not. I am scared, worried and I have to wear the face of, " I am ok" to the world. It is not fair that I am left to make sense of this mess. Make sure the kids finish college, make sure they are healthy and be physically and mentally supportive of them both. Meanwhile, we have loss you- your support and love and I miss you but now I am overcome with anger. I sat in my office today and wept for 1 hour straight. I am so done. I am ready to quit my job, sell my house and leave everything and everyone from my old life and start living for me. Making me my primary worry for once in my life. I am so through with all of this.

Views: 179

Replies to This Discussion

Hallo Denise. first i am going to say i am sorry for you loss. Then i am going to tell you that it is hard to raise two children on your own, i can hear you anger and fustration. I have notice that you say two adult children.If they go to college then i am sure they are able to see what you are going through. You have the right attitude towards helping them.But at their age it becomes a two way street were they can be supportive of you also. I have found that work keeps my mind occupied so that i do not feel the missing so much. No it is not fair that you are left with the mess, but you are not alone. All the people in this group have lost someone... You are mad because you was not able to help him, honey it was not in you hands even if you were a physician. You have said it yourself he did not listen and even if he did and was as healthy as can be, it was his time to go. So it is okay to get angry , sit down like you did with this post and wright him a letter tell him how angry you are ,how you miss him every thing that you wanted to say. Then take the letter go to you private spot if you have one and burn it. You said what you wanted to say ,you have let go of your anger but most important" let yourself of the hook" okay. The only thing that i know for sure is that you are allowed to do something for yourself. Meaning is there maybe something that you always wanted to do, like swimming, movies, painting. I can tell you from experience that moving away makes it harder, you have to meet new people and they do not understand what you are going through. Please do not give up. You will get through thiss

Dear Denise. I am so sorry for your loss. My husband Ed died 8 months ago and I am only now getting relief from the overwhelming anger I felt - although it still rears it ugly head at such unexpected times. We have one son and he is 16. In the first few days after Ed died, I had the appearance of a candidate for 'Mother of the Year'. I was so supportive and all together. I guess I was in shock, even though Ed had cancer for 10 years. Shortly after the shock wore off, I became someone I barely recognized. I am embarrassed to say that I was one huge ball of anger and that anger was focused mainly on my son :( Needless to say, he wasn't all that thrilled with me either which led to some pretty nasty fights. Most of my anger was knowing that he needed me. I wanted to just scream 'WTF??!' Get out of my face. Why should you be my responsibility?' I never said those things to him, but that is how I felt :( I even said at my bereavement support group 'I did everything right in life. I followed the rules. I was a good person. And this is what I am left with?' College age can be the most trying of times. I know when I was that age, I was angry at my mother all the time 'just because'. And thankfully, I wasn't dealing with such a significant loss of a parent. I know each person has their own journey, but I think anger is a natural response. I know it has helped me to talk about everything at my group, it has been such a blessing to me. Thank you for your honesty because it helps me to know I are not alone.

RSS

Latest Activity

Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Assumptions

An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true.  Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions.  This is where I find myself today...Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident, ignoring it and mindlessly walking…See More
Mar 13
Profile IconCari Jo Converse, Jennifer and James D. Thornsberry joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Mar 13
Profile IconMarina Dsouza, Leah, Sandra M Aaron and 5 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Mar 5
esther joined HollowHeart's group
Thumbnail

Sibling Loss

This group is for anyone that has lost a brother or sister. Sibling loss is often minimized and people don't realize how devastating losing a sibling can be. I lost my older sister and my life will never be the same. She was my only sibling, I looked up to her, I went to her for everything. I lost my past, present and future. It is traumatic.See More
Mar 4
Speed Weasel posted a video

Sun Keeps Risin'

Provided to YouTube by The Orchard EnterprisesSun Keeps Risin' · Lissie · Elisabeth Corrin Maurus · Martin CraftMy Wild West℗ 2015 Lionboy RecordsReleased on...
Feb 26
Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Triggers Continue to Surface

Late February is a challenging time of year for me.  Jen’s birthday is the 23rd and serves as an annual reminder of all of the potential that was lost…Her’s (mainly), mine, the world’s honestly.  This year she would be 52…It is increasingly hard to imagine, through all of the iterations possible, what she could have become, what was to be her (significant) impact on the world.That being said, things, emotions, have largely settled down since I committed a potential version of what could have…See More
Feb 15
Michelle joined Gyla Lynn Darden's group
Thumbnail

Loss of a child In memory of my son or daughter

This group focuses on healing ourselves and each other over the death of a child and welcomes a Christian atmosphere to help with the healing process. I welcome all of those grieving.See More
Feb 8
Tammy McLaughlin and Rosie are now friends
Jan 30

© 2024   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service