New here, unfortunately.

I guess I just need someone to "talk" to, who can understand what I am going through.

I was with my  husband since I was 17 years old, until his death February 18th.  Nearly 14 years together, and with 4 children.  He had a fatal heart attack while him and I were out to dinner alone together, our first 'date night' in 7 months.  Two weeks later, I discovered that I was unexpectedly pregnant.

I can't even explain the mix of emotions I'm feeling right now. It's been almost 3 months.  I have nightmares, of the night and events leading up to his death.  I feel a lot of guilt and regret for not recognizing that there was something seriously wrong and not taking him to the hospital from the get go (although he refused.)  I can't help but wonder if 5-10 minutes would have made a difference. I don't know that I will ever be able to let that go.  I have nightmares of the funeral. Seeing him in the coffin.  I'm absolutely devastated.  I don't know how to function. There are days I don't even want to get out of bed, but I have a two year old son who forces me to every day.

I thought I would "feel" my husband's spirit although he was gone. And I feel nothing. Just emptiness. Sadness. Anger. Regret/Guilt.  My family feels like it's falling apart.  My daughters are 14, 12 and almost 10.  Things are horrible here right now.  Constant fighting. tears.  just complete chaos.  And now I'm adding another child into this mess. Normally this would be such a joyous occasion.

How do you pick up the pieces and keep moving through life?  I'm trying to be strong for my children, but every day I lose myself a little bit more.  I've never experienced anything so painful in my life.

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oh, what a lot to deal with suddently.  Its so easy to look back and question all the decisions.  I'm very sorry your husband died, and even more sorry it was when you two were out on a special occasion.  It does certainly stick with one, when it happens thus.  (big hug)

 

I don't know how to tell you to get by.  My cousin lost her husband the same way, and then found out she was preganent.  I know it was sort of a comfort, and sort of a trauma, like that.  IS there a relative (maybe an old aunt or something) who would love a comfy place to live, and could help you out?  I'm sure you are just overrun with 4 kids, pregnant, and grieving.  I think this might be a moment to allow another in, to offer help and comfort.  Is this an optioin for you?

 

I have you, and your growing family, in my prayors.  Good luck, and warmest wishes.

 

Marty

So sorry my dear. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Dear Stephanie,

 

I am so sorry for your loss and I experienced (and continue to experience) similar thoughts and feelings about the sudden death of my spouse when she had a heart attack at home while I was getting ready for work. I replay the images of her struggling to breathe and feeling so helpless that I couldn't save her. I also won't ever forget identifying her at the medical examiner's office (my sister-in-law demanded an autopsy), making funeral arrangements, seeing her in her casket, etc. It's all so much for you right now Stephanie and you have children who need you. I wish I could say something meaningful that would relieve some of your pain and give you advice about how to keep going. The only thing that I know for sure is that it won't always feel this unbelievably painful and your husband is with you in spirit and he walks along with you everyday. Also, ask for help with your children when you need it. I will pray for you Stephanie.

 

Tammy

Hi Stephanie,

I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved husband.  I lost my fiance about 3 weeks ago. He was 43 and I found him dead.

I am glad you have found this website.  It's a great place for support.  And knowing that many others are grieving along side with you.

I know it must be so difficult for you-learning that you are pregnant at such a difficult time in your life. My heart goes out to you.

Its so hard to think of our life without our spouse/partner.  Taking each day as it comes is all we can do at this point.  People have told me it will get better over time... but I just don't see it.

You are in my thoughts.

Stephanie,

I forgot to add... I am hear to talk when you need to.  I may not respond right away because we may be on different time zones :)  But I am here.  Talking things out is helpful.

I am so feeling everything you are feeling. We were making love when it happened to us.  He had a heart attack right after we had said a very intense I love you to each other.  I feel like God new what was going to happen and gave us this moment.  Just like he gave you a child to be with you and give you strength.  I also feel guilt because if I had just said no to him would he still be alive.  If I had seen signs that he was not feeling well we could have fixed this?  Apparently people tell me none of this is true. But I still can't help life feeling like a lost, empty mess.  I am just constantly thinking of one thing.  If it had been me instead of him, how would he be acting.  He was a strong strong man and was even a better mother than me.  He taught me how.  He would be taking care of everything for me.  And I am trying to to that for him.  He would want you to do that.  I want to make my husband proud of me.  I loved him sooo much.  You can make yours proud of you too.  Especially for the precious gift he left you.  I am in pain with you.  There are alot of us out hear.  He needs to have peace in heaven knowing you can do this.  Sending love and strenght your way.  I hope this helps.  I am reading all the posts and they are helping me.  Friends are helping me. Family is helping.  But all I want is him. I know how you feel all too well.

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