Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lorraine on January 9, 2012 at 8:15pm

Theresa, I too have felt the weight of time making things worse.  Yes, there are moments of peace now that I have not felt before (it has been over three years since I lost my son Silas); still the pain is as raw and fierce as the day he died.  I don't think this goes away with time; how can it.  As another mom I know has said, "our lives changed when we gave birth to our children, of course we are going to change when they pass away."  Why can't people understand this, and why does everyone avoid talking about our children?  Everything has changed, and not in a good way.  It is hard to try to pretend that things are okay when really we are crying inside and out.  I have been feeling the weight of a new year upon us as it means longer since Silas has been here with me.  Hard not to be sad.  Sending hugs 

Permalink Reply by anna l. on January 9, 2012 at 9:49pm

Hi Teresa, unfortunately I do know what you are saying.  My son Karl will be gone two years March 6th, and noone in the family besides his wife seem comfortable talking about him at all now.  At first we were so angry with what had happened that we all tried to not start a discussion because it ended up making someone really angry.  Now I am past the anger but I think his brothers and sister are not and that is why they cant be comfortable with talking about him.  Now his father is gone there is only his wife to talk to and I too wonder sometimes if I keep him buried inside me if the memories I have of him will dim in time.  I hope not.  I will keep the pain of grief over losing even one little memory.  I want to always be able to remember how his hair felt under my fingers, how his choice of words could crack me up, the sound of his voice saying "Hi Moms."  Oh how easy it is to start the tears even 2 years later....

Permalink Reply by Adrianne Edgerly on January 9, 2012 at 10:45pm

I am so afraid of my son's memory slipping away. He's not been gone even 5 months yet and I'm really a mess.

Permalink Reply by Teresa Smith on January 10, 2012 at 8:11am

You all summed  up what I was trying to say. The more time that passes it seems like my son is slipping farther away. I am scared of loosing memories, sound of his voice, scared of forgetting something. I just don't know what to do either. I hate this so much. My health has went downhill really badly too since Harold passed away. My doctor said if I don't get rid of some of the stress my blood pressure is going to make me have a stroke. Sometimes its 220/100. But what does the doctor know about stress. He didn't loose his child. I went to the er about this time last year when my bp was so high. The er doctor said get rid of whatever is bothering you (he is a A** and no one likes him, nurses included). I told him to bring back my son and I would have a lot less stress. He shut up after that. But anyway thanks for putting in words what I was trying to say. Have a "gentle" day everyone.

Permalink Reply by Lorraine on January 10, 2012 at 8:54pm

Theresa, your post above reminded me of when I went into the ER having a breakdown, six weeks after losing my Silas.  The doctor was a young guy who told me that I needed to find a way to pull myself together.  I asked him if he had children, to which he replied that he didn't.  At that point I think that I screamed at him " then f off" which wasn't one of my finer moments, but whatever.  He didn't understand what this loss means, and should not be giving advice on such horrific matters without experience.  Sometimes I think we should be doing trainings for medical personnel on such matters so that people have a little more understanding and empathy.  Take good care

Permalink Reply by anna l. on January 10, 2012 at 9:09pm

lol, would have loved to see you tell that dr off!!!  I have been know to do that too and the ones that think they are God, or better, are pretty shocked.  Youre right.  They do need more training in how to think feelings through just a bit more before they say dumb things like, "You need to find a way to pull yourself together."  Duhhhh, why didn't we think of that ourselves??  If they cant saysomething possitive, or helpful in any way they should be like everyone else and keep their mouths shut!  Those words are just more space junk to float around in our brains driving us nuts!

 

Permalink Reply by Teresa Smith on January 11, 2012 at 8:30am

Yes you are so right about them needing training. My medical doctor is a very good person and I have been going to him for 28 years. He is about my age. He told me that grief is usually 1 to 2 years. But then he said that loosing a child can be ongoing. I just really don't know what to do at this point in my life. I feel that Harold is slipping farther and farther away as more time passes. Maybe its normal? Maybe just part of the grief process. Other things are also in the way such at his siblings didn't treat him very well. Harold was the type of person that if he had the money to pay his few bills, have a car, ect he was happy. He didn't need to "keep up with the Jones". I have anger inside and getting over that isn't working too well either. Hiding it is worse. There is no grief counselling here when I live other than if I drive 50 miles each way. Mental health center doesn't do it, I even called Hospice and a couple hospitals in the area. The only thing is a "informal" group that sometimes meets. I tried that once and only 4 people were there, all had lost spouses and I think we were all more upset when we left than when we got there. Me with what they were feeling and them with loosing their spouses and then having to think about loosing a child like I had. I sure didn't want to be the source of making someone feel so much worse than they already did. Would be nice if there was a Compassionate Friends chapter closer than 50 miles away.

Permalink Reply by Lorraine on January 11, 2012 at 4:21pm

Theresa,

A friend and I started a peer support group in our area after going to a hospice group that we continued for a year with the other members.  We got permission to do this at the hospital, and it has been a comfort to know that there is somewhere to go.  I don't know it you know of anyone else in your area who might be willing to do something like this with you or if you are ready for something like this.  We basically let people know that it is peer support and have found a format that works for us.  If you are interested, maybe a social worker at the hospital or hospice could direct you to a few people to talk with about this.  We put something in the paper weekly, and actually meet twice a month, which sometimes feels like once too often for me.  I can also let you know what we read & how our group runs.  It is peer support for parents who have lost a teen or adult child.  Anyway, no pressure, but know that we are all here for you as well on this site.  I kind of like the online support, sometimes it is easier than going out my door!  Sending hugs, Lorraine

Permalink Reply by BeccA on January 16, 2012 at 7:28pm

Adrianne, I am so sorry to hear of your loss.   It is absolutely normal for you to be a "mess" especially since it's only been 5 months since your son's passing.   You need to grieve on your own timeline...don't let anyone tell you that there is a specific time you should be "normal" again.  Don't put that pressure on yourself either.    It is not normal that we parents should lose a child.  I had to learn all of this throughout the years when my 4 month old son died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  And now 20 years later I lost my oldest daughter to cancer 1 year ago.  Allow yourself to grieve for your son. Take care of yourself.  Hugs to you.

Becca