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Comment by Brett Bowman on August 8, 2019 at 12:28pm

One of the issues that I have with almost any kind of counselor is that they are being paid. They are not emotionally invested. I guess if you find the right one you can still get some great advice, but there is something discouraging about having to pay someone to listen to you.

The grief class that I attended was through the church as well. We would meet for one hour a week and the person who ran the class would rush us through it so that it wouldn't go over an hour. Not everyone got to talk. We would go from one topic to the next too quickly. And I did realize that all of us could offer advice to the others without filter. It only takes one person who thinks his brand of pain is worse than yours to ruin a class.

All of this is why I think a real support system is so important. It would be great if the person who is there for you also loves you dearly.

Comment by Theresa on August 8, 2019 at 8:23am

Sue I went to a grief support group at my church do you know what one guy said to me and he was a surgeon when I was telling my moms story he said well what did you want she was 92 how about that I never went back

 He acted like I shouldn’t be grieving he’s there because his 26-year-old daughter died from appendicitis or pancreatitis or something I was in shock how rude he was 

Comment by Theresa on August 8, 2019 at 5:44am

Brett  I agree with you 100% the same exact thing occurred with me my friends my family for goodness sake half of my mothers family never even acknowledged her passing 

 I feel a special connection with you something has brought us to befriend each other  i’m so glad that somebody else understands how I feel anyway it’s nice to have everyone to talk to on here feels like we’re all friends but we’re so far away

 Sometimes we think why does no one else seem to understand how I feel or they’ll say to me your mother had a good life I said how do you know what kind a life my mother had I said my mom was here through the depression my mother some days didn’t have food to put on the table of course I was not born yet my brother was he told me that grandma knew how to make a lot of meals with potatoes 

 I’m so fortunate that I had my mom during the time that I did and  I was fortunate enough to have a kind and loving caring mom who I miss with every breath 

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 7, 2019 at 11:10pm

Sue, I went through grief counseling and I cleaned out the books on grief at my local library. None of it helped. I'm not knocking it. Those classes and books help a lot of people. Didn't help me though.

I will tell you what especially didn't help. My brother calling me the day after my mom died (Christmas Day) and asking me which was the biggest television in the house. He reduced my mom to a television. My sister, who was angry that mom didn't choose her as her caretaker, who would call me every day and tell me all the ways that I had let mom down in my lifetime. Or my other brother who just saw mom as a bank account and never knew what a wonderful woman she was.

It didn't help that my friends gave me about a month to grieve and then acted like I had mental problems because I was no longer the life of the party. There was my minister who I had made an appointment with, who just kept looking at the clock over my head while I was talking.

It was not having a support system that broke me down. I still do not.

Theresa, I swear (I try not to swear), you and I are like brother and sister. I understand everything that you say. Less than a week separates our mother's death. We are the same age, and we mostly have the same issues. I really believe that if you live close by that we would be best friends. You are dear to me.

All of you are dear to me. If I ever figure this out, you will be the first people that I tell.

Comment by Theresa on August 7, 2019 at 5:41pm

Sue My mom was the same way I never realized how many peoples lives she touched until she was gone  all the way down to the guy at the 7-Eleven the guy at the Acme everywhere in her hometown she was kind compassionate caring she always calmed me down because I’m a big worrywart I have no one now that understands anyway except for everyone on here believe me I’m right there with you I don’t care if it’s been one day one year two years three years I still feel the same.    Is it as strong the pain and the sadness I would say you come to terms with the “new normal” but I still cry I miss her so much so much I keep saying I know one day I’ll see you again mom I know you’ll be waiting for me  when my time comes.  Sometimes I just can’t put into words how I feel I have to say the first year I can’t remember I was in such a fog I don’t know how I functioned.   This December will be four years everybody else has gone on  and if I mention my mom they say that was years ago and I say you still have your mother you have no idea     My mom and I had a special relationship she had me when she was 42 and we were very very close or used to call her probably 10 times a day to make sure she was OK just to hear her voice  and make sure that she was OK wherever she was home out if she was out I would say call me when you get home 

Comment by Avi on August 7, 2019 at 1:09am

Mothers are the biggest asset and it is so unfortunate that we have to lose them someday. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 6, 2019 at 10:43pm

Yep. It's like we had the same mom. In a way we did. They both loved their children the same.

Comment by Theresa on August 6, 2019 at 4:00pm

Yes Brett I suffer with anxiety, I worry constantly.

I think my dr is tired of hearing me, he prescribed some SSRI, but I am afraid to take it, go figure.

You brought tears to my eyes, I miss my mom and love her so much, sometimes I just shut my eyes and try to remember her face, always smiling, always happy.

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 6, 2019 at 3:47pm

I often times pray that I will have a dream about my mom. Hasn't happened yet. Not a good dream anyway. I've had some bad ones. Dreams often reflect what you are feeling. I have so much anxiety in regards to my mom that it only makes sense that my dreams would be bad.

I haven't been able to take a nap since my mom died. I know why. Before my mom went on Hospice care we had good days and bad. One day all seemed well. I decided to lay down for a few minutes. I was having a really good dream that my mom was healthy again and we were having lunch. I could hear someone calling my name. That woke me up. It was my mom. She couldn't get up. She was calling me for help. I don't want this to sound like I blame my mom, but that day, my mom invaded my dreams. My reality invaded a few minutes of peace.

Now, when I try to take a nap, something will jar me before I can fall asleep. It's fight or flight. I can't avoid it.

I will say this though. As messed up as my life may be today, my mom was worth it.

I love you mom. 

Comment by Theresa on August 6, 2019 at 3:20pm

It’s terrible.   Thank you for letting me know you feel the same

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