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Comment by SelV on July 14, 2019 at 11:18pm

Avi, I am glad for you. You have somebody-your flesh and blood-to live for...you seem to have made that your motivation. Good for you!

It is 15 July and 16 months since my mother left me for good. Nothing but a tearful day for me. Not only crying outside but also inside. So much pain. I am just a sad person...even when I appear happy, it is smiling depression. 

Comment by Avi on July 12, 2019 at 9:56am

Hi All, 

Hope everybody doing good. My daughter is growing up and keeps me busy but any day I sit and feel guilty of not serving my mother, I feel like crying. She should have enjoyed so much with her grand daughter but destiny had some other plans. 

The journey is tough but need to complete it to meet her again. This is a hope and a motivation to live. 

Comment by Avi on June 25, 2019 at 11:32pm

I also see her in dreams sometimes but when I wake up I hardly remember anything. Initially I was not able to sleep and used to wake up in nights but then life got busy in other things and I started sleeping properly. 

Everybody of us hope to meet her someday, somewhere. Lets keep this hope alive and live. 

I wish I can ever meet few people of this group and cry together. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 25, 2019 at 11:55am

Something I have noticed is that the content of a dream may not be a big deal, but what you are feeling in the dream is where the power comes from. The dream I had was horrible. It was so short, but I had a sick feeling in my stomach throughout. This is why I say that you can't hide from grief. It has to be dealt with. I certainly have not run from my grief, but it still taps me on the shoulder when I try to get a break from it, like when I try to sleep. It's still there. Hopefully, one day it will dissipate. 

Sue, what you are describing is traumatic. That will always be with you. But I hope that knowing your mom is not suffering anymore brings you peace.

Comment by SelV on June 25, 2019 at 12:18am

There's so much literature on the interpretation of dreams on the internet. Not sure how accurate they are. I dreamt of my mother in the aftermath of her death last year...just some fleeting images of her.

But this April and May, I had altogether four dreams in which she was very much alive and healthy. My sister, my mum and I were in all the four dreams. My second brother was in one of the dreams together with us and my third brother was in another with us. 

I like it that I dream about my mother. Very much active and happy in my dreams. How I wish I do not wake up from my sleep/dreams to face the painful reality of being an adult orphan.

More so as a motherless daughter!

All I want is my mother...right now and right here!!

Wishful thinking!!!

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 24, 2019 at 6:22pm

I rarely dream about my mom. When I do dream about her it is almost always bad. I had a horrible dream last night. It was very short. I was standing near the front door of my mom's house. I looked down to greet my dog. There was a little puppy with her. Although I had never seen that dog before, in my dream I somehow knew her. I knew that it was a dog that had died years ago. I said, "You're not supposed to be here" and then I opened the front door to shoo her out. The dog left. I was closing the door when I felt a pull on the handle on the other side of the door. When the door opened I was face to face with my mom. Her face was expressionless. She said, "I'm home." She walked past me and into her bedroom. I was thinking "Mom's dead." I paused for a minute and then followed her into her room. She wasn't there. And her room looked like no one had been in there in 20 years. It was dusty and their was debris on the floor.

I don't know what all of that means. I just know it was horrible. I didn't go back to sleep.

I sure wish I could have a good dream about her. I think the scars are still too fresh, even three and a half years later. I don't know if they will ever heal.

Comment by Avi on June 23, 2019 at 1:03pm

Yes we have no choice but to live without our mothers. Grief and guilt will be there through out and some days will be really hard than others. Yesterday was pathetic for me as my father said something that really hit me. I hope to see my mother some day. 
How is Virginia?

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 20, 2019 at 11:14pm

I do not know how to live this life without my mother either, but if there is one thing that I have learned, it's that I have no choice. Life comes for you regardless of whether or not we want to be a part of it.

Comment by SelV on June 20, 2019 at 8:01pm

Good enough my siblings and their families attended my mother's funeral, Brett. To expect them to be at our beck and call and lend emotional support to us who were our mothers' caregiver before, during and after our mothers' death...oh well...they were/are probably busy with their own lives and families. We hit rock bottom.

Maybe it took our siblings a day, a week or even a month/few months to grief mother's death and then they moved on. I am assuming that. We, as caregivers, saw our mothers in good health, then decline in health resulting in our anticipatory grief and finally watching them succumbing to illness or sudden death. Still thinking, missing, pining and yearning for our mothers after more than a year...she was our family, our lives revolved around her and vice versa for a long time. 

Having had my mother in my life for more than half a century, I am not sure how to continue this life without her presence. Nothing seems meaningful to me. She was my life and something in me died when I saw her taking the last breath...still very clearly etched in mind.

Brett, I am healthy, have work life balance and financially stable...and appreciate my singlehood.  But LIFE really s**** without my mother...hate this life design!

Rambling on...crazy me!!

Good day everyone!!!

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 20, 2019 at 11:34am

SelV, that really hit home with me. My brothers and sister were not around through my mom's illness. After she died, I tried to reach out to them. I should have known better. All I got was insults. It was horrible, and the timing of it could not have been worse.

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