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Comment by M Adams on June 15, 2019 at 12:08pm

usually I find your comments really clear, Linda, so I don’t think it’s not being good with words, more that it’s hard to express these things in words.  Actually I couldn’t follow what Joe said either, but it’s good that you understand each other so well.  One thing that stood out to me in his comment was when he said “however, I’ll never stop wishing it didn’t happen.”  For me, that goes without saying.  Anyone who is bereaved and in grief obviously wishes that they hadn’t lost the person they love, wishes they were still both happily alive.  And relenting or not relenting doesn’t enter in — regardless, the sorrow is just a fact and a reflection of what has been lost.

One other thing that occurs to me, thinking about loss and regret, is the fact that my husband had a great deal of illness at many times in his life, including many different kinds of cancer.  Yet he was also a very strong, life-loving man.  So when I “wish it didn’t happen” I am not wishing that he was alive but terribly ill and suffering, I am wishing that he had recovered, which seemed to be the case when his “cascade of events” occurred, and as he had so many times before.  At the same time I see some selfishness in my longing for more of the happiness we had together, I know we had decades of love and many people never have that.  I still find it a challenge to be with happy couples for extended periods of time...I’m happy for them but it makes me sadder and also sort of embarrassed.  Problems I would never have anticipated.  Friends who have kindly pressed me to come and stay are getting annoyed that I keep not being up to it, and I can’t really tell the truth, that being in someone else’s happy, bustling home watching the daily rhythms of a loving couple’s life would be just too painful.  

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 15, 2019 at 5:52am

Hello M Adams

Joe explained in his post of how I feel. I am not good with words on explaining things but Joe you said it perfectly. I just want to thank everyone here for sharing their thoughts, as we are all in the same boat together.

Comment by Joe Kelly on June 14, 2019 at 9:12pm

Speaking for myself, I identify with Linda.  My Love left our world and I know it, and accept that she crossed over into another realm of existence and can't come back.  I want her back and I live in HELL every day without her.  The only way for me to get to her is for me to go where she went.  Hence, every night, I pray to go there.  She agreed with me on her death bed that she believes we'll be together forever someday.  Oh, if only she didn't have to go, we'd continue our wonderful life here.  Why did she have to go?  She didn't want to go.  She wanted to continue our wonderful life with me.  I accept that we all go someday but when she went I died to this world.  She was my life and I'll never live again without the agony of not having her here with me.  I promised her I'll be with her and adore her for all eternity.  Suffer I will till that time comes and there is no new life for me here.  I can't and won't change that.  I will never relent.  Yes, it happened and know I can't change that it happened.  However, I'll never stop wishing it didn't happen.  My only "till then" is being with her, going where she went.  That was my thought when she took her last breath in my arms "I have to go where she went".  I have no life to change.  She was my life as I was her's.  We were one and have to reunite and become one again, forever.  Wherever that be.  There will never be normal in my life again.  No mind altering drugs for me.  I view that as not only a way to escape the pain, but more importantly separate the oneness of eternal true love between my Love and I.  That's our worlds way, move on, get a new life, she's gone, find someone new.  That's why the medical field and those who never experienced what those of us here with our Loves, can't figure it out.  I could go on and on but enough.         

Comment by M Adams on June 14, 2019 at 4:28pm

Linda, not sure what you mean here when you say you can accept the loss of your husband but not being able to change it is your whole problem — do you mean not being able to change the fact of the loss, or not being able to change the way it happened, or not being able to change your own life after the loss? Or maybe something totally different?  

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 14, 2019 at 3:43pm

Hi Morgan,

Like you mentioned in your post, there is no normal in my life. I just take each day as it comes and just wait for death. I can accept that Julian is gone but not being able to change it is my whole problem.

Comment by morgan on June 14, 2019 at 11:48am

Hi Haven't been writing recently as have had so much to organize in my life I just haven't had a moment and when I do I am so tired.  So grateful to everyone else who continues to write though.  I look here daily to read.
Life is still painfully meaningless.  It doesn't matter what I do (and I do plenty) it always comes back to what is missing.  The canvas is just a blank even though I've been throwing paint at it for years(analogy). I watch as my body continues to waste which if I am researching correctly it will lead to my death earlier rather than later.  The rheumatoid arthritis kicked off by the stress of the crying has definitely decimated my immune system.  And actually that is ok by me.  In the past several months it is so uncomfortable to try and sleep as it has now settled in my one hip.  And sleep is so erratic anyhow. And unachievable.   Add to that acid reflux and my lack of appetite and I figure maybe a couple more years and I should be done.
I met a lady here locally who lost her husband four years ago and she too struggles with her grief.  She talked to me today and told me she is now on Prozac and feels "more normal".  What is normal?   I can fake life without taking pills. Nothing is real so why bother. I see the familiar all around me but I connect with it all in a surreal way.  
In essence I am a zombie who has been going through the motions for way too long and none of it has made any sense.  I find it inconceivable that this is a test of some grand plan.  I think it is simply the universe living itself out through us and the plants and the rocks and the water etc. That consciousness is fundamental to the universe and we are all the energy produced by the universe and some days the vibration is high and and some days it is low.  It affects our quantum fields at a very base level.  My neural system seems to pick up every small detail now.  Nothing gets past it.  Its like I am vibrating at a high frequency in anticipation......Anticipation of what?  My own death?

Comment by Linda Engberg on June 10, 2019 at 6:28am

Hello Everyone,

Thank You all for sharing your thoughts. I just can't thank everyone enough. This is the only place I can talk with people who really understand how I feel. I know that the rest of the world does not understand what we are going though. I feel as we have all become family to one another and I thank God for that.

Comment by Nancy on June 9, 2019 at 6:18pm

I feel the very same as you all describe. I keep very busy but any down time and he is all I think about. I am lonely even when surrounded by people. Not for anyone but for him. My comfy houseslipper, my comment finisher, my true soulmate. My love forever. Its been 2 years and seems like yesterday in some ways and in others seems a lifetime ago. I think its because my life ended then too. I go through all the motions and even laugh at work but I'm an empty shell in reality. We were married 43 years. 3/4 of my life so far. You can't just move on from that.

Comment by Marita on June 9, 2019 at 5:57pm

Linda, you’re so right “we were so close and only needed each other.” Forty years of being together, how does one move on with half a heart.....half a brain. There is no life without love. Morgan, I am lost too. I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained and soon it will be five years of waiting, hoping, and pleading to end this misery. Joe, this is a living hell and the only thing that sustains us is the thought of the joyous reunion with our beloved. Trina, I hope being closer to your sisters will bring some comfort to you. 

Comment by Joe Kelly on June 9, 2019 at 3:56pm

I've been staring at this website for about an hour now.  I just signed in because the few of us here are all we have sharing the hell of living and even though I don't know what to say or should say going to say, I have to because we're all we have.  We died when Our Loves died but we're stuck here waiting and hoping to go where they went because they can't come back to us.  We HAVE to go to them.  Most of us were with Our Loves for many years or just about all of our lives in some cases like mine.  There is no going back and no going forward with our lives here.  We can only wait and the constant torment can't be fixed.  At least in my case and many of yours.  We're like orphan souls stuck in our bodies and as far as I'm concerned, there's only one way to fix that.  For me, it has to be natural though for fear that I have to go the way she went or might not end up in the same realm she is in.  If I KNEW it didn't matter, I'd be gone already but will suffer for as long as it takes and hope it's soon.  Every day is hell but I won't relent.  FOR HER, I will suffer this ongoing nightmare because SHE is the only thing that I want.  I have children and grands but like most of us, when we had Our Loves and lost our parents, we went on with life.  I'm witnessing that now with my children and grands.  They fell bad about losing their mother and grand mother but I'm the reminder.  They are supportive to an extent that it's my grieving MY Love, that is somewhat the focusing reminder.  When I'm gone, They will feel comfort knowing that what my wishes are completed and go on with their lives just as we did.  My only "recovery" is to go to her and adore her for all eternity.  The majority in the world can't understand or accept that.  So here we are, a small minority they can't help.  So we wait and suffer for something they can't comprehend.  I know I'm babbling now so will close wishing you all for what we truly want and waiting for.

Joe 

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