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Comment by M Adams on December 9, 2018 at 1:56pm

Avi, the fact that you were close enough with your mother to share your negative feelings about your job shows real intimacy, which I think is what loving mothers treasure above all else.  So hard accepting that we will not hear that beloved voice giving advice or (in my case at least) unearned compliments.  

Here’s an example of the latter.  After my husband’s death in 2016 my mother often praised me for eating proper meals when I was alone.  At the time I found it kind of droll to be complimented for eating, now I really realize how wonderful it was to have someone care about that.  

Your post reminded me more generally of how sweet motherly advice can be.  One thing my mother often asked, when I was getting ready for a party, was how tall would the guests be...because, if they weren’t VERY tall and time was short, I could skip cleaning the top of the refrigerator.  Thank you for bringing back these memories, they bring tears but also a kind of joy.

Comment by Avi on December 9, 2018 at 6:07am

Even my mother always used to say that live your life fully but I was always complaining on some matters. She used to worry about me the most as I was not stable in my job and used to talk about quitting it often. She always used to say, love your job as it gives you bread and butter. 

I was unfortunate not to be with her in last few mins. 

Comment by Theresa on December 8, 2018 at 2:29pm

Brett, my mom said those exact words.....

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 8, 2018 at 9:46am

Your mom sounds a lot like mine. She also used to say, "I lived my life, now you have to live yours." 

Comment by Theresa on December 8, 2018 at 5:56am

You know what when my mom could not be resuscitated, her eyes were wide open and looking toward the right towards me as I walked in, she saw me I know it.  I shut her eyes.  I wanted the hospital staff to leave me alone.  They were unhooking her from the monitor, one nurse was so kind, she said I was talking to your mom and she went unconscious, it was very peaceful, that helped knowing she was not gasping for air or screaming.  It was awful watching the ambulance guy on the bed on his knees doing chest compressions, my mom looked exactly like a Raggedy ann doll, she was gone no matter what.  From that point on I was in another world like my body was here but I was not.  That went on for a year.  

Let me tell you guys my moms sister had a son that was in excellent shape, he was playing tennis and died of a massive heart attack at 44 years old on the tennis court, my moms sister went on the live until 97, my mom used to say you should not have to bury your children.

Comment by SelV on December 8, 2018 at 12:37am

Let those tears flow..

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 7, 2018 at 10:56pm

SelV, your mom would have had it no other way. She saw you take your first breath. You saw her take her last. I experienced that as well. If I had my way, I would have gone before my mom. Is that selfish of me? Yes. I don't care. Losing mom was too much. I know about the circle of life, but it still hurts, horribly.

My mom died with her eyes open. She was staring at me. That was really hard. She died on Christmas Eve so it took a long while to get the Hospice nurse there, and a lot longer to get the funeral home there. I couldn't close my mom's eyes. I couldn't be the person who closed here eyes for the last time. The Hospice nurse did that. I just sat there staring at her. She was looking at me but she couldn't see me. She was gone.

I broke down today too. I was in my car. I heard a Christmas song that reminded me of mom. Just about everything reminds me of my mom.

Comment by SelV on December 7, 2018 at 10:08pm

Dear all...the thought "What if I had died due to unforeseen circumstances and my elderly widowed mother had to grief my death?" crossed my mind many times. Knowing my mother, her world (of me and her) would have collapsed and she would have probably succumbed to broken heart syndrome. 

Work, movies online, cooking, grocery shopping and household chores have been my distractions currently. 

Work - to pay bills

Movies - to kill time

Grocery shopping/cooking - to fill my stomach

Household chores - to keep the house clean

Just going through the motions -no passion, no joy in anything I do. 

The living daylights are like living nightmares. Sleep always rescues me temporarily from the pain and sorrows, guilt and regrets. 

Today, as I was washing my mother's bathroom, I broke down uncontrollably reliving my mother's final moments - she fell and passed on in the bathroom.  The woman who saw me taking my first breath, I had to watch her taking her last breath!!! 

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 7, 2018 at 8:08pm

I think you're right, Theresa. We are a sad bunch. I think our moms would be touched that we love them so much, but they would probably also want us to be happy and move on. I just don't think that's possible, nor do I believe that my mom would have been able to move on if it had been me.

Comment by Theresa on December 7, 2018 at 7:07pm

So I have been really busy at work and with moving, but of course at night when I get in bed I cry and cry.

I finally have come to realize this will be the new normal I guess, I do not think I will every stop missing my mom ever...

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