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Comment by Brett Bowman on December 16, 2018 at 11:22pm

Avi, I can't say that I envy any of us but you are so blessed. You lost your mom but the Lord gave you a beautiful little life to nurture, love, and foster.

Theresa, you are are in my prayers today. I know it was a very hard day.

SelV, I think I would spend a lot of says in bed if I could. A few nights ago I got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. When I went back to bed I looked at the clock. I was happy because I still had a few hours before my alarm would go off. And then I thought how nice it would be to hibernate for a few months, that it would stay dark, and that I could just stay in bed. When I laid down I realized that wasn't a very healthy desire. But that's how I feel. I'm just tired spiritually more than physically. And I look ahead and I don't know where relief will come from. Maybe God has a plan for my life. I sure hope so. 

Comment by Avi on December 16, 2018 at 10:32pm

Thanks Selv. Yes she died on 15 May 2018 so the memories are still fresh. My daughter is driving me in this life as she is innocent and does not know anything about grief and guilt. 

Great to hear that you help others. 

Comment by SelV on December 16, 2018 at 7:49am

Hello there Avi...

I hope your dad, wife and your baby girl are doing fine. Your mother passed on 15 May 2018, right? 15 was my favourite number. 15 was the date that my mother gave birth to me. 15 was also the date that she departed from this world. So every 15 of each month since she passed on, you can imagine the barometer of my sadness. Yesterday, was the 15 of December, and the whole day I was 'bedridden'. Simply couldn't get out of bed even though I was awake, to brush my teeth, take a shower, cook my meals etc. I just couldn't. I didn't eat anything and silence took over. I live alone so silence and tears are my constant companion now. Besides, I will only report to work in January. I used to travel during end of Nov/Dec period but I am just processing my grief and dealing with my mother's death every day now.

I like how you are contributing your services to the underprivileged. You are on the right path. I donated some money to one of the aged homes to commemorate Mother's Day this year by throwing a lunch to the poor old people abandoned by their children or terminally ill. 

Be there for your darling sweet little girl. Trust me as a favourite daughter to a father whom I lost 17 years ago, I still miss him terribly. I miss my mum just as bad.

Comment by Theresa on December 16, 2018 at 6:20am

Sorry should say sit with my mom.

I'm a bit nervous about the mass this morning, I just want this day over.

I figured I would go to the mass, stop at the small place where she used to go everyday for her friends and she was friends with with owners, and then I will go to the gravesite to make sure the arrangement I put down at Thanksgiving is still intact.

Comment by Theresa on December 16, 2018 at 6:17am

Three days Brett, it will come and it will go, I just want time to go fast for once.

Eight more days for you also, I'm sure you feel the same, like going over and over that day in your head, shamefully I can't remember because I was in so much shock.

My cousin told me I called her to sit with my my because I had to go home to get something, I would be right back, I do not even remember that. 

Comment by Avi on December 16, 2018 at 12:58am

Hi Selv, 

Your words really touched me as I also cremated my mother and scattered them in holy river of Ganga. I live in India so here the ashes are mostly scattered in holy river. 

Like you I also wish to complete my journey on this earth and then go back and see my mother. In India, Christmas is celebrated beautifully as well similar to Western countries and all are indulged in planning trip to coastal areas and new year parties. Whereas I sit and feel the guilt of not taking care of my mother, not fulfilling her wishes. Time is hard but this is how the life is. 

I have also started praying a bit and I wish you all find peace. One thing which has helped me guys is helping the underprivileged people around me. I try to spread education and also food if feasible. 

Comment by Daylight on December 15, 2018 at 8:48pm

Hi, Theresa, it is always very hard. I think every season is difficult. After Christmas, here it will be summer. Although summer is a beautiful season, I will feel sad because my mom died in January. Plus, the weather gets extremely hot, and sometimes that is overwhelming. I think every season without our moms is worse than they really are.

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 15, 2018 at 8:38pm

I know it will be hard, Theresa.

Comment by Theresa on December 15, 2018 at 8:14pm

Well as I sit here in bed at like 930 tomorrow is the yearly mass I hate to say yearly but it’s the third year for my mother and I have a mass said every year for her. I know I’ll be sitting in church and when they say this mass is being said for my mom I’m going to cry
I can’t get away from Christmas with my job it’s all about Christmas people buying jewelry for their significant other or for their children or whatever I am really tired tired of it all. I find myself just going through the motions every day
Once Christmas is over I’m sure winter will kick in here I hate it I don’t like snow I’m a summer person
I’m sorry to say I find no joy and the holidays without my mom

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 15, 2018 at 12:27pm

What's hard is that, even if we don't celebrate it, the rest of the world will. I can't get away from the Christmas music and decorations. That's okay. The world shouldn't stop celebrating Christmas just because it makes me sad. Life goes on.

I realize that everyone dies and that God doesn't have it in for me, but of course it all seems unfair. It's just too great of a loss.

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