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Lost My Spouse...

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Latest Activity: Oct 5, 2022

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Lost my husband the father of my kids and bestfriend . 6 Replies

  I lost my husband we were high school sweethearts we had plans and it was not suppose to be this way we had two kids together and I feel so lost and the pain i feel becuase of how much I miss him…Continue

Started by Nicole. Last reply by Martha Washburn Sep 22, 2022.

Loss of spouse… 3 Replies

For 40+ years we were together…married 39 years….We were to celebrate our 40th anniversary…Nobody who hasn’t been married, and lost a spouse could possibly understand….even though he was into many…Continue

Started by Susan B. Last reply by Connie Sep 1, 2022.

Today is the anniversary of my wedding day 2 Replies

I got married on May 1, 1992 and lost my husband on June 30, 2017. My wedding day was the happiest day of my life and if I had one wish, it would be to go back and live that day over. It has been…Continue

Started by Carol Klotz. Last reply by Carol Klotz May 3, 2020.

Lost my light in the darkness 2 Replies

I lost my wife on the 25 of March after returning from my Dads funeral. She is everything to me. No matter how bad it got, no matter how much my PTSD drug me down, She has been my light in the…Continue

Started by Shane Hughes. Last reply by Shane Hughes Apr 16, 2020.

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Comment by morgan on November 22, 2018 at 10:55pm

Beth,  I wish I could help.  The best I can offer is that after five years and 10 months I can push the grief down better but sometime within 48 hours I will break.  It is normal for those of us who were bonded to our spouse.  That you have had mental breakdowns and hospitalized does not surprise those of us who have found life to be a crushing experience living it alone.  

At three years I was still having one helluva time pushing it down.  I immersed myself in remodeling projects that I am now finally trying to finish. I am not sure it was the wisest thing I could have done but the choices before me were either do it or else.  Finances dictated doing something that might at the end of the day relieve me from having to interact with people all the time in order to survive.  My goal is being able to isolate myself from everything and everybody and still be able to pay bills. Thats it.  

Just keep trying to take small little steps that help push the grief away. I keep chatter (news mainly because too many songs trigger memories and then the crying) so my brain is occupied listening to stuff that means nothing but it takes up space in my head.

Mornings are the absolute worst now.  Used to be both mornings and evenings. Evenings are giving me a partial break but I hate opening my eyes.  Its everything I can do to force myself to accept I am here for another day.  Today I gave myself a day off from working and all day I kept pushing away the memories of how I used to celebrate this day because I wasnt as occupied as I normally am.  I may have gotten through today so tomorrow will likely have a  trigger that will break me.

 And this starts the time when my husband and I were still celebrating a holiday not knowing that Xmas Eve day he would end up in the ER only to find out the day after Xmas he had terminal cancer and lived only another 27 days.  This time of year is hardly a celebratory season for me and many others, including you.  The only real solace is knowing that we are not suffering alone and though we won't meet each other other than online, we know that some of us through the hardest of times are teaching the rest of the world that death of true love is a different universe that must be recognized and understood better than what it has been.  WE are not abnormal.....this is the consequence of what we all seek and some of us get......true love.  

Take care the best you can.  Take small steps and try to be ok with them.  We all know how hard this is.......

morgan

Comment by Beth Swansboro on November 22, 2018 at 9:00pm

Bottom line below is to be grief group not brief..

Comment by Beth Swansboro on November 22, 2018 at 8:58pm

I read these stories and wish we could be in a brief group together. Tomorrow I lost the love of my life.3 years ago. Today just my son and Bob Evans food. How lonely we are. I have been getting worse instead of better. This year was awful. He was my high school sweetheart since we were 17. I really miss him. I was in the hospital for  several days in October. Mini breakdown. I was On the mental health floor. Was awful. Been trying to watch the Xanax. Had 3 today. My Dr. Is planning on removing me from them in Feb. That won't be good.

I keep praying to God please help me. I cannot live the rest of my life like I do. Crying, staying in bed hogging XANAX. LIFE is terrible. What in the world is one to do. Reading all your stories I relate and I am sorry for you

Not sure where my life is going. Not well that is for sure.

Thank you for letting me vent!!

Comment by morgan on November 22, 2018 at 7:17pm

Yes Joe,  "I want that back.....and I know that cant happen"....yes, as our time alone passes we get a few more moments when we can distract ourselves enough not to cry but the intensity of the missing never dims.  And Joe, we all babble......its one of the coping methods we use.  And yes, not being with them is torture.  My neurological system will attest to that.  I can only hope that the damage will soon take me to the place he now lives.  Yes, soon would be fine.

Comment by morgan on November 22, 2018 at 6:51pm

My mistake for my post below .....It is the 5th year without my husband for the holiday season.  It will be six years in January......an eternity.

Comment by morgan on November 22, 2018 at 4:13pm

Today is also my 6th Thanksgiving without my husband.  When you think it cannot get any more painful prepare yourself.  Though I sit here with a gay friend I have taken in to help him find a way back from suicide because I think he might still have a chance to have a life, I on the other hand, have no desire to build anything other than what I began to do the day my husband died....to tie up my mortal affairs.

I have no idea if I will have the courage to bring an end to this torturous existence when in fact I accomplish what I set out to do but I know my body is diminishing and my mind is emotionally overwrought with missing his essence.  

Yes, I know it is very possible, if not probable, that I will be reconnected with him beyond the veil of this earthly domain but the "feelings" I have now, here, are simply excruciating.  No matter what I do to push back on the depression that I am enduring because of loss it rears its ugly head and reminds me that I am alone.  Even with company, siblings, helpful friends, caring neighbors......I am alone.  

I am sure that many people would not understand how hard the process of coping with the loss of the one person who was my reflection in the mirror is.  In fact, I know I am getting more and more willing to isolate myself and not share my pain with even those who have been willing to listen because I am tired of burdening them with my deep emotions.  Of course that leads to more isolation so more feeling of utter desolation.  

It is not that I don't get up now everyday and make something more than a shower and an english muffin happen.  I am beyond that fog of living.  No, I am completing projects most people in a good frame of mind wouldn't attempt.  But I am stripped of meaning.  I just want an end to a forced need to perform and live.  I want to stop having to miss the most important person that I ever had the happiness to share life with.  I want him back and if I cant then I want it to be over.

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 22, 2018 at 6:19am

Today is my 6th Thanksgiving without my Husband. I wish I could go away and hide somewhere. I will have to put on my Happy face for my guests and pretend I am alright. It is getting harder every year.

Comment by morgan on November 18, 2018 at 10:15pm

Bluebird,  

I always feel a spiritual kinship with what you write.  You were the first person here who when I started reading who was honest and told it like it was.  That hasn't changed and I truly believe that if anyone outside of our circle of grief who really wants to try and understand how misunderstood the process of grieving has been for many they would find truth by coming here and reading posts like yours.  

I have seen myself go through the days trying to find my way.  What most people outside of the grieving world cannot comprehend is that there are no answers for us..... we are literally and figuratively at a dead end.  Some people don't feel they had all they wanted in life after their spouse has died.  They look for more.  I don't need more.  I had what I wanted.  Its just that I am unable to accept he is gone forever.  

Today I had a cathartic discussion with a friend.  I explained how I feel every day that I wake up to a different dimension.  I see most of what I  saw the day before in a familiar universe except that the dimension of how each day transpires and what will happen to me is totally unfamiliar.  Totally overwhelming and upsetting.  The energy, the force of the cosmos is going to set the stage for what is going to happen to me that day in this other universe that looks all too familiar.  I don't have a ton of control over it.  I may make a few minor choices but most of what happens, comes through me, not from me.  

As Joe (Kelly) has written he has a bit firmer grasp on the knowledge of how the universe is structured due to his OBE and interestingly I hear him when he says "it must be very frustrating for her to try and not get through"..... I get that.  I think that is one of the reasons why I break down.  I believe my husband is trying to get through and because I am unable to respond to him I just cry for him.  

The other thing Joe said about his twitch coming in ones and twos......I find that I imagine the signals coming from my husband in ones and zeros. .... bits/bytes....reading the physics as I have I think communication is coming through to us if we can open up the channel that receives them.  So much is based on patterns and not blocking out the things we think are coincidences.  I have to remind myself that the force of how the universe works is the lesson death has made me face. I don't want to have to come back to learn a lesson I can master now so I can stay with my soulmate forever in the other dimension.  I know this might sound kooky but I am beginning to believe that.  Joe's words help reinforce it and I will slip back alot but  I need to hear how it has worked for others.  It gives me hope there is another side and that is where I will be happy again.

Thank you Bluebird for being an honest griever......your words are always wise.  

morgan

 

Comment by Linda Engberg on November 17, 2018 at 7:10am

Joe & Bluebird,

Thanks for sharing you thoughts mine are exactly the same. I hate that I have to go on in this world. I have friends that our dying of cancer, I would trade places with them if I could. To endure my feelings I drink at least 6 bottles of beer a day. I do not get drunk it just helps me make it through the day. I have tried every Med out there but they do not help. My family tells me it is not the way to live but what hope do I have. They will never know what people like us are going through.

Comment by Denise Lavoie on November 16, 2018 at 4:27pm
Hi my name is scotishbrat this will be my 3rd holiday season with out my love.It is so hard to do anything.l have crying spells that are so intense it feels like l am going to die.Once l stary it could go on for hours and then l feel completely washed out.lt is echausting living this way.l talk to Jesus telling him it is too hard being here with out Ron l can't go on. I look at our children and l see so much of him in them.Our son has his filming talents.Our daughters have his work ethic.They work very hard and they have his creative nature.Our great grandson has a lot of his phyiscal features .l see him all around me. I want so much to be with him.Thank you for being there.
 

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