Comment

Comment by BLUEBELL on August 11, 2018 at 9:46pm

Is she not in good health Brett?
Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 11, 2018 at 8:41pm

My little girl is 12 and it's a hard reality to know that the thing I love most probably won't be with me much longer. She is all that I have left of my mom.

This is horrible.

Comment by Theresa on August 11, 2018 at 7:15pm

Yes Welcome Back Bluebell, I as Brett said find that pleasure with my dog, and he is 11, I try to enjoy every moment.

I have to say I work alot because it keeps my mind occupied, and I had friends at the pool, but when all is said and done I'm alone and I think of all the phone calls to my mom and my Sunday visits were she would cook.  Sadly my heart still hurts and yes I do cry.  I do pray that I find peace someday...

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 11, 2018 at 7:01pm

I think that is a very attainable goal, Bluebell. I find that pleasure with my dog, but I would like to find it in more places as well.

I was very worried about you. Welcome back.

Comment by BLUEBELL on August 11, 2018 at 4:47pm

I just want to check in and let you all know I am slowly recovering from the bleed in my brain. Today is the first time I have had the desire and courage to go through my e mails since the beginning of July. I consider this as a sign that there is hope I will return to living my life without the fear I will become overwhelmed and anxious. I really want to find joy in my life again. It does not have to be anything big. A simple feeling of pleasure when looking and smelling the fragrance a beautiful rose would be a step in the right direction. I pray God helps gives me that.

Love to you all,

Bluebell

Comment by Theresa on August 6, 2018 at 5:39am

Virginia I am not me anymore either, I view things differently now since my mom passed and how she passed so suddenly and unexpectedly, I live each day like its my last one..

Comment by Virginia G on August 6, 2018 at 12:32am

It’s not that I want to be in an institution.  I just thought I’d never be able to live and that it should have drove me to losing my mind.  Although I feel like I have in a way.  I’m not me anymore.  That makes sense because she is my life.

Comment by Theresa on August 4, 2018 at 5:54am

Virginia, Brett said it correctly, I myself worked at a mental institution in the personnel department, and let me tell  you that is not where you should be.  Very sad to see what I did day in and day out.

I can tell you God hears you without you even speaking he sees deep into your soul, he knows, he knows what we all are going through.

I will check in later have to get ready for work.

Comment by Avi on August 4, 2018 at 5:28am

Hi Virginia, 

First of all good to see your post. 

You are not in mental institution because you are not mad. You are in grief and guilt which is common to have as a human being. If being guilty is a mental disorder then 50% of people on this group should find similar institutions. 

You love a mom to an extent that you want to punish for her death. But that will not bring her back to life Virginia. 

It is really sad that partners leave us when we are in grief and sometimes it is for their betterment. Yes not everyone can handle a partner engulfed in grief and sorrow. 

I wish you find peace. My skype Id is avitiwari26@gmail.com and I am from India but I can still join a call at US timings as I do for my work. 

One problem that I am facing these days is concentrating in office. I do not get much motivated working although I cannot quit job as of now. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 4, 2018 at 2:15am

One thing in particular struck me as I read that. You had your mom, grandma, and your dog. And now your the last person standing. That's a contest that no one wants to win. You went from a house full of love to a house full of memories. Believe me, I know how much that hurts.

The reason why you are not in a mental institution is because you are not crazy. You are grieving. You are feeling the full weight of the grief that can come with the loss of your mom.

And let me tell you, you don't want to be in a mental institution. There are real true to life crazy people there. I used to volunteer at one. I wasn't there long. It was more than I could stand. I was talking to a man who had clearly tried to hang himself. The rope burns were grotesque, and he had trouble speaking. He saw me looking at his burns and said, "That's nothing. Look at this." And then he turned around and showed me a hole in the back of his head where he had shot himself. There was another man who was curled up in a ball. He ears voices all day. I asked him what the voices tell him. He said, "They tell me to hurt myself and other people." He said they were demons from Hell. Those folks have to be there for their own protection. It's a horrible life for them. The facility also serves as a crisis center. Someone will threaten to kill themselves and they will end up there for a few days. For most people it scares them straight. They realize that they are not crazy and that is no place for them. The Dr's know it, too, and they let them out quickly, knowing that visiting that place may have been the best thing that has ever happened to them because they do not want to come back. They will do whatever they can to get better, or they will realize that they are not as "crazy" as they thought they were.

No, Virginia. You are not crazy. Your writing is too lucid. You are brokenhearted and you are punishing yourself. The grief has led you to full blown depression. That's not being crazy. You have the power to fix this if you are proactive. There are physiological forces at play here. It starts with forgiving yourself. And then deciding to take back your life. Every person on the face of this earth has the right to be happy, including you. You will always miss your mom. There will always be that void. Sometimes when a scar heals you can still see the scar. You will always have a scar. I will, too. So will Theresa and Avi, but life can go on. You can still find happiness in things if only you will. Be your own advocate and take step to get better.

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