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Comment by Avi on June 13, 2018 at 11:45pm

Amazing words Brett. You mention that being happy is doing small things for your mom. 

I am buying a car tomorrow because my mother wanted me to buy. In India, car is still a luxury for many people and my mother never had it. So I am buying a car tomorrow just to fulfill her wish. I will post pics as well. 

As Brett mentioned, Virginia I can understand your pain because I was in similar situation. I also felt that life is over when my mom died but then I realized that if she can see me, she would love to see me living rather than dying. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 13, 2018 at 11:00pm

I was talking to my mom's sister last night. I was telling her that I wish we (I) could have done more. She told me that there was no more to do.

This I know for sure. People do not just die. They have to be very sick. Their bodies have to stop functioning. Virginia, that our moms died proves how sick they were. I want to tell you, with all of my heart, that of all of us I worry about you the most. I see so much of myself in you. And I was in a very dark place. I thought there was no life and no happiness without my mom. I thought that I no longer had a purpose. To be honest I just wanted to die.

I'm still not happy. I still don't have a purpose that I know of. Life is just not the same. When my mom died she took my world with her. The part that I loved anyway. I used to tell people that when my mom died she took me with her. That I died, too. But I was wrong about that. If I were dead I wouldn't feel anything, Believe me, I feel plenty. I'm still alive. All I can do is try to make the best out of what is left behind. To maybe help someone. To be a friend, To find happiness where I can. We will be with our moms again one day, but it will not happen on our time.

To feel fatalistic is dangerous. Jesus said that we cannot plow a straight line if we keep looking back. We have to look forward. We will never forget, but we have to look forward. It's the only way to find a light at the end of this tunnel. I have said this before. If you want to do something for your mom... live for her. Let's all do it together.

I realize that people are misdiagnosed every day. I realize that doctors and hospitals live in fear of being sued for wrongful death. People do it every day, and a lot of them prove that they were right and the doctors were wrong. But what do they gain by being right? We just can't have our moms back. We have to make peace with the reality of the situation. Well, we don't have to. But we should sure try. Otherwise we are pulled further down into an abyss. You don't want to go there. No one wants to go there.

Choose life. Find happiness where you can. For me that could be hugging my dog. It's starts with really simple things. Give life a chance. See where you are a year from now. I'm in a better place than I was. You will be, too. It starts with forgiving yourself.

Once again... let your love for your mom be your strength and not your downfall. Our moms deserve that.

Comment by Avi on June 13, 2018 at 9:21pm

Virginia, plz forgive yourself. It is seriously heart wrenching to hear that you are going through all these. 

I have similar feelings and want to get answers to thousands of questions. But frankly speaking those answers may not help us anymore.

Comment by Brett Bowman on June 13, 2018 at 6:18pm

Virginia, it's because your doctor is not emotionally attached that he can see something that is obvious. Just like me, you are bound and determined to punish yourself. The sadness of losing your mom is more than enough to bear. Please forgive yourself.

Comment by BLUEBELL on June 13, 2018 at 5:56pm

Cruel and unfeeling. They have become hardened to human feelings or are so uncomfortable, that they can not deal the families that have just lost their loved one.

If either of you have the resources and energy to advocate for support staff or trained volunteers to listen and be with families after they have lost a loved one, I say go for it! I do not have the self confidence to under take such a thing, (not an excuse, just the truth), but maybe one of you do.

Bluebell

Comment by Virginia G on June 13, 2018 at 2:28pm

They asked me if they were going to have to have me removed because I wasn’t leaving.  I should’ve made them

Comment by Theresa on June 13, 2018 at 2:25pm

Well After my mother passed away everybody walked away left me standing there by myself with one nurse they were gone.  I was like what the heck 

Comment by BLUEBELL on June 13, 2018 at 1:49pm

Suggesting counseling or a visit with the hospital bereavement Social Worker if they have one, would have been a much kinder response. I am sorry you had to go through that.

Bluebell

Comment by Virginia G on June 13, 2018 at 1:20pm

The first time I recently talked to the ER doctor trying to understand what happened, he was patient and answered all my questions.  I contacted him again and said I had more questions after thinking about what he said.  This time he was very frustrated and short, he said it was because he could see he couldn’t convince me not to have guilt.  Easy for him to say, it’s not his Mom and he wasn’t the daughter taking care of her.  He said something so cold.  He asked how much longer I expected her to live.  She had gotten chemo a week before and then we went out and had a nice dinner.  We weren’t expecting not to leave the hospital!  

Worse than my worst nightmares

Comment by Theresa on June 12, 2018 at 7:09pm

Same here Brett ...

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