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Comment by Brett Bowman on May 24, 2018 at 12:04am

Virginia, I feel that way as well. I don't want to be in this world without my mom. And I'll be honest with you. I got more out of medication than I did therapy. The heartbreak we experience can start with sadness and become full blown Major Depressive Disorder. It's good to fight that on two fronts. My therapist could not prescribe medication so she referred me to a psychiatrist. She has been a lot of help, or the medication has. And also just time. It's still very early for you. I think for the first few months after my mom died I was walking around in a state of shock. I have a really good memory but there is a lot about those days that I cannot even remember. And then there was a point where I woke up and the reality of the situation sank in. That was rough, and I still am experiencing that. I'm not saying this to scare you. I just want you to know that what you're feeling is natural grief.

It's hard for you and me. I completely understand your relationship with your mom because I lived something very similar. I never got married. I wanted to stay with my mom. I used to say that there was nothing that could pry me away from my mom. I was wrong. Death did. It's so hard to go from one extreme to another. To go from having our moms each day to not having her at all. That's a hard thing to fathom and accept.

Just please don't give up. Find joy where you can. I never liked it when people told me this but it's true. Our mom's would want us to be happy. How we get there is the mystery. I'll fight with you my friend. We'll figure this out together.

Comment by Virginia G on May 23, 2018 at 10:13pm

Thank you Bluebell, I go to my therapist every week.  I have to be able to run all my thoughts by her, especially about the guilt. The good thing is she has known me for a long time and has even met my Mom so she knows our unusually close relationship.  People ask if it helps but nothing can take the pain or loss away.  I don’t want to be in this world without her.

I think you said you have a good therapist too.  I am glad your grief has lessened.

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 23, 2018 at 12:13pm

I tried several medications for my PTSD. It took a a while to find the right one. You have to let that kind of medication build up in your system before you know if it will truly work, but sometimes the side effects in the early stages are just too much. It's hit or miss until you find the right fit. Some folks are lucky and they find the right medication right away.

With PTSD it is so important to remember that we tend to feel things harder than others. We can take a bad situation and believe it to be so much worse than it actually is. That's when we have to realize that it's the PTSD talking. Medication can help greatly, so can therapy, but there comes a point when you just become tired of being scared and you start to fight back and not let it control your emotions. It's not easy. None of this is easy. There is no proper way to grieve. We feel what we feel. People tell me that I have made progress over the last two and a half years. I think that may be more apparent to them than it is me. I still miss my mom terribly. I cry a lot. I am nowhere near a finished product. I just believe that we have to take baby steps, inch by inch, day by day, minute by minute. Missing our moms is one thing, but wondering if they know how much we love them is needless. They know. And as far as guilt is concerned, I don't think there is even one of our moms who would come back and yell at us. If anything, they would hold us like when we were small children and tell us that everything is going to be okay. They love us as much as we love them, and that is saying something. 

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 23, 2018 at 12:11pm

Beautiful Brett and so very honest and true.

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 23, 2018 at 11:42am

Virginia, when you were your mom's caretaker you were under a lot of pressure. I could be sitting next to my mom watching television. Everything would seem fine but on the inside I just wanted to scream. You and I were dealing with the reality that our mom's were going to die. In some ways we were ticking time bombs. It would have been so hard, to nearly impossible to just relax and enjoy that time with our mom's.

But there's more. You told me the worst, but I can't believe that was all there was to your mom's final days, weeks, months, even years. I bet there were some tender times, too. I bet, with all of my heart, that your mom was so glad to have you with her.

Our stories are so similar. My mom and I would watch television at night. Her favorite show was, "Everybody loves Raymond." We would watch those reruns on TV Land. I would sit next to her and laugh, but I wasn't laughing on the inside. I was always about two seconds away from calling 911, even if she didn't need it. I just wanted for someone to fix her, make her better, so that we could get on with the life that I had always known. Deep down I knew that wasn't possible. That time is when we realize that we have to start letting go, but every instinct that we have tells us to hold on even tighter. There is a lot of tension.

Notice that no one on this thread has posted about how everything went according to plan, or has said that they have no regrets. It's just not possible, not when you love this much. We are not robots. It's not enough to say, "She's in a better place" or "It's the circle of life" or "She's not suffering anymore." We loved our moms and we didn't want them to go. My poor little mom could barely even breathe and I still didn't want her to go. Was that selfish? Maybe, but it also has so much to do with an enormous amount of love. We loved our moms too much to be without them.

Virginia, I have said the same thing so many times. "I was not meant to be without my mom." The sad reality is that we have no choice. We had to let them go physically but not emotionally. We still love them as much as we are capable of loving someone, but we cannot hug them. We cannot watch television with them anymore. That's the hardest part about all of this. The one thing that would make us better is the one thing that we cannot have - to be with our moms.

All we can do is look up at the heavens and say, "I love you Mom." We are so beaten down and scarred that that doesn't seem like enough, but never lose faith. Never stop believing that she hears you. Never let go of the hope that you will see your mom again, and that you will never have to say goodbye again.

I spend so much time in the garden at church talking to Mother Mary. Someone could walk by and say, "Why is he talking to that statue?" It's because to me she hears me. It's because God is love and love never dies. It's because there is more to this world than what we can see. Never lose hope. Never lose faith. Tell your mom all the things that you wish you had said, and know that she hears you.

Comment by Theresa on May 23, 2018 at 7:43am

You also Bluebell, thank you.....

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 23, 2018 at 7:06am

Hi Theresa. I am up too and have been since 3AM. No point in going to bed now. I am going to start the coffee and carry on with my day. I hope yours goes well.

Hugs

Bluebell

Comment by Theresa on May 23, 2018 at 6:04am

Virginia, Bluebell is correct, it has been two years and four months and I still cry.

Three months is a short time, for me the first year was just a blur, I can't remember much or how I got things done.

Virginia I feel like an only child being my brother is 17 years older than me and lives far away, we talk very infrequently, I have no children, just my 11 year old labrador.

I volunteer at church on Fridays before work to sit in peace with the blessed sacrament, I feel like it gives me clarification and a sense of peace.

I do have to say not one day goes by without me almost crying I try hard to get it together, but I can only try so hard.

My mom was very independent also, she drove, went to church and did more than I did at 92 years old.  Her passing was not only a shock to me but to everyone she knew, it was so sudden and unexpected.

Only in my opinion if you are taking care of your mom if she is ill, you have time to say mom I love you, I did not get to say anything.

After her passing it was amazing how many peoples lives she touched.  

If I could have one wish it would be just to say mom I love you with all my heart

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 23, 2018 at 4:55am

Virginia

3 months is a very short time. It has been a little more than a year for me and the intensity of my grief has gotten less, but it is and may never be gone. I will always miss her. Be kind to yourself and do not set a time line on how you should be feeling. I suggest you take it a day at a time or even minute by minute and hang on to the thought that it will get better. Mean time, let yourself feel what ever emotion it is that comes along and try to distract yourself if it becomes too intense. If you have a good therapist that you trust and feel safe with, stick with him or her for support. But no therapist's words are gospel, because they are human too and make mistakes. 

Thank you for asking about the withdrawal from the antidepressant. It has its ups and downs. Today was a bad day in someways but good in that I found something called Sea Band that actually helps the dizziness and nausea. It is based on acupressure.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. You can get through this.

Bluebell

Comment by Virginia G on May 23, 2018 at 1:53am

Brett,

can I just ask, were you ever given medicine for your ptsd?  Do or did you ever feel like you didn’t fully realize what happened?  And other times it would be clearer?  I feel like I’m not grieving appropriately.  Honestly, I thought I would have dropped dead instantly when this happened and don’t know what I’m still doing here.  I don’t belong here without her.

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