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Comment by Virginia G on May 23, 2018 at 1:47am

Brett, 

 Thanks for your comment, it made me cry.  I hope she knows how much I love her.  The thing is I had OCD, fear of germs, since about age 18 and it was controlled with medicine.  When my Mom got cancer, the ocd took over because I didn’t want her to get sick, having a possible lower immune system from chemo.  I then got severe depression and anxiety also and meds were not helping.  Over the four years, as her health got worse, so did I and my ability to take care of her.  I took my anger and frustration out on my Dad.  At times, I wouldnt even talk to my Mom.  Once she even asked if I was mad at her.  We always watched tv at night, she recorded all our favorite shows.  If I was in a mood, I wouldn’t even watch tv.  I spent a lot of time sleeping to escape.  I was right next to her if she needed me, but that’s not good enough.  I realize now that I showed no emotions other than my negative depression and anxiety.  I never told her I loved her, how brave she is, that she was going to beat this, or how lucky I was to have her.  I should have told her everyday!  My therapist says I had trauma and my ocd and depression but this is no excuse.  I knew what a dangerous state her health was in and that I should overcome my little problems.  I should have done everything to give her the best chance possible at getting better.  Instead I caused her extra stress everyday as she worried about my issues.

  You said your Mom didn’t like being taken care of.  My Mom is the same way, she was used to taking care of us our whole lives.  Sometimes she’d even cry and say she ruined our lives.  She made our lives worth living and now they’re not.

 Sorry for the long post but as you can see I have a lot to feel guilty about.  I hate myself for how I treated her.  How could I act like that towards the person I love more than life itself?  How can I even live with myself?

Comment by Virginia G on May 23, 2018 at 1:23am

Bluebell,

it has been three long months.  It feels like years.  Can I ask how old you are?  I’m 47, only child, not married, no kids.  I always lived with my parents as I wanted to be close to my Mom.

How are your symptoms from discontinuation?

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 22, 2018 at 10:33pm

I was thinking about this today. If I could have my mom back for just one month I would dote on her till the cows came home. The truth is my mom wouldn't have liked that. She didn't like to be doted on. At the end she was very appreciative for my help because there were so many things that she could not do for herself. The last month of her life was spent in bed. I felt very badly for her. For someone who was so independent to rely on someone else for even a drink of water. She would ask me for a cookie. It was just like when I was little and I would ask her. It was hard for my mom to let someone take care of her. For someone who loved her children so unconditionally, she wasn't crazy about being hugged on all the time. I think in the end she let me hold her hand just because she didn't have the energy to pull hers away.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we sort of think back and manufacture a better scenario for our mom's death. But I try to remember that, at the time, I tried to respond the way I thought my mom would want. Hindsight is 20/20. There are things that I wish I had said, but that's more for me than for my mom. My mom knew how much I loved her. All of our mom's knew.

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 22, 2018 at 11:00am

Thank you for your post Brett. It not only will help Virginia, it is helping me too.

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on May 22, 2018 at 10:51am

Virginia, our stories are very similar. I was my mom's caretaker as well. I was diagnosed with PTSD after she died. When we have PTSD we can turn just about everything into a worst case scenario. It is so easy to look back and question decisions that we made. I wish that I would have appreciated my mom more, not just on Mother's Day, but every day. Deep down I know the truth is that I always appreciated her. Guilt is a part of grief, and for some reason we are bound and determined to punish ourselves, like we don't feel bad enough already. Your therapist is right. You feel the way you do now because you loved your mom so incredibly much. If we had felt any indifference for our moms we would probably feel somewhat indifferent now. You cannot manufacture love. You either love someone or you don't. You obviously love your mom with all of your heart. And I am sure that your mom is very aware of that. Even now. Maybe now more than ever.

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 22, 2018 at 8:57am

Hi Virginia and welcome. May I ask when your dear Mom passed away?

Bluebell

Comment by Virginia G on May 22, 2018 at 2:48am

And speaking of therapists, I have ptsd, and sometimes I feel like I don’t fully realize what happened.  I sort of get numb at times and feel guilty about it.  I asked my therapist if it means I don’t care about my Mom.  She has known me for a long time and said, “I think you love your Mom more than anyone ever has”.  I was thinking that’s the nicest thing anyone ever said to me.

Comment by Virginia G on May 22, 2018 at 2:33am

Hi, just joined the group.  Wanted to comment on Brett’s point about people getting tired of hearing about grief or not understanding it.  I feel like I want to talk about my Mom constantly, whether it’s good times or bad.  It’s all I think about.  I have been obsessed with our experience in the hospital and why I didn’t question the doctors more and everything I did wrong.  In fact, tomorrow I am talking to the ICU doctor to try to get some answers.  I was by her side for four years of sickness, that she so bravely fought, and feel like at the end, I ruined everything.

And I tried not to know when Mother’s Day was, but that didn’t work.  One of my favorite days before.  No one should have to be without their Mom on Mother’s Day.  I should’ve treated her like everyday was her day.

Comment by BLUEBELL on May 18, 2018 at 8:42am

On a positive note Theresa, you are being proactive by working extra hours in hopes that it will help you get through this very hard time in your life.

My prayers are with all of you daily. It does not always take the form of getting down on my knees and formally talking to God, but I like to think God hears me anyway.

Bluebell

Comment by Theresa on May 18, 2018 at 5:57am

Gosh Bluebell, I'm sorry about that, you never know how a med is going to affect you.

I think about everyone on here always, I have been trying to busy myself with work taking extra hours to occupy my mind.

It doesn't work.

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