Hi, everyone,

I have been going to a grief group since I felt I needed some direction to "get a life".

The leader is a great guy and has some wisdom that for the moment I consider.  He told us that it is our choice of how we spend the rest of our lives without our loves.  We can either look forward or backward.  Well, it all sounds good until I get home to an empty house, an empty life, no friends I really like, a family who thinks I am doing "better", and a husband who is gone.  All the things that are said I know are true cognitively, but my brain just wants my love back! 

I am worse off now than I was before! I have lost all ambition to do anything.  I see a few other widows who are going on trips, joining all kinds of groups, and volunteering while I sit at home and cannot get dressed some days.  I look out at a sunny day and think I should enjoy it, but I cannot.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  I envy other couples their happiness.

I think, some days, I am losing my mind.  I have no energy.  I miss being loved and loving. I hate my life.  I want my husband back, but I know that is not going to happen.  I want to die and join him.  I want to stop crying and have some peace!  I want to smile again and feel some happiness, but, without him, I don't think that is possible.

What if there is nothing when we die? What if we just cease to exist?  I have asked those questions, and I have decided that if that is so, I welcome it rather than this life I am living.

Everyone tells me how precious life is, well, for me that has become very questionable!  How precious does the life I have described above sound?  

I know I must go on, but how?  As Dante said, I have "abandoned hope".

Truly, I hope others can give me some possitive things to hang on to.  Right now, my only gratitude is that I had my love, my wonderful husband, for 55 years.  But, sometimes, I think that having him that long made it impossible to live without him.

Maxie

Views: 242

Replies to This Discussion

Thanks, Joe.  I appreciate you describing your experience during your accident.  It gives me hope that there really is something after this life.  My greatest hope which keeps me going and half way sane is that we will be joined again with our loved ones.

You are so early in this grief state, so I really send my hopes to you that you find some peace since you have experienced such a gift of knowing that death is not painful, but peaceful and welcoming.

I feel better reading your reply; thanks for taking the time.

MAXIE

Dear Maxey, How I feel for you and can empathise so much.I ask myself that question How can we have been loved & cherished all those years and then be expected to move on within our lives. I too read inspirational stuff & have a psychiatric support worker & am doing an online grief counselling but it always wears off and am back where I started.

Best Wishes

Marjorie xx

Hello Maxie, Sharon here. I wasn't blessed with 55 years with my love, we had 46 years together, married at 18 years old. It is 2 years out for me and I miss him so much. I am still going through the days of not getting dressed, not going anywhere, etc., etc. I was referred to acute grief therapy by my family doctor as I have developed some health issues he feels are related to my grief. I went for a few months and experienced the "It's your choice, move forward or stay ""stuck""." I went for the last time 2 weeks ago, my choice. I told her I wasn't returning, nothing she said would bring my beloved back or ease the pain of losing him, BUT that's okay. I don't want healed, I am glad he was my everything.I am glad that losing him hurts so badly because he was loved that much by me. I gues I have developed the attitude of the world has it's way of viewing life, I have mine. I am 66, not looking for a "chapter two", I don't want to try "new experiences" without him. But that's okay too. I know, absolutely, one day we will be together again forever. I , the first summer of his death was in our front yard crying my eyes out when out of nowhere, literally, I smelled him. My beloved's scent, his personal smell, the smell of his skin was surrounding me and it was sheer bliss while it lasted. Then a couple of weeks ago I was cleaning in my kitchen and a song came on by a group called Elevation and it literally brought me to my knees because I saw my husband being held in the loving arms of God. He was safe, he was home. It truly gave me such peaceseeing he was safe. So, it's okay to mourn our love's, it's okay to let the world know they were loved, valued and the hole they have left in their passing. I believe that just because society dictates we should try to move ahead with a new life I don't want one, my "old" life was absolutely fine and I will keep on living it until I join my husband. God bless you. 

Attachments:

RSS

Latest Activity

Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Assumptions

An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true.  Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions.  This is where I find myself today...Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident, ignoring it and mindlessly walking…See More
Wednesday
Profile IconCari Jo Converse, Jennifer and James D. Thornsberry joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Wednesday
Profile IconMarina Dsouza, Leah, Sandra M Aaron and 5 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Mar 5
esther joined HollowHeart's group
Thumbnail

Sibling Loss

This group is for anyone that has lost a brother or sister. Sibling loss is often minimized and people don't realize how devastating losing a sibling can be. I lost my older sister and my life will never be the same. She was my only sibling, I looked up to her, I went to her for everything. I lost my past, present and future. It is traumatic.See More
Mar 4
Speed Weasel posted a video

Sun Keeps Risin'

Provided to YouTube by The Orchard EnterprisesSun Keeps Risin' · Lissie · Elisabeth Corrin Maurus · Martin CraftMy Wild West℗ 2015 Lionboy RecordsReleased on...
Feb 26
Speed Weasel posted a blog post

Triggers Continue to Surface

Late February is a challenging time of year for me.  Jen’s birthday is the 23rd and serves as an annual reminder of all of the potential that was lost…Her’s (mainly), mine, the world’s honestly.  This year she would be 52…It is increasingly hard to imagine, through all of the iterations possible, what she could have become, what was to be her (significant) impact on the world.That being said, things, emotions, have largely settled down since I committed a potential version of what could have…See More
Feb 15
Michelle joined Gyla Lynn Darden's group
Thumbnail

Loss of a child In memory of my son or daughter

This group focuses on healing ourselves and each other over the death of a child and welcomes a Christian atmosphere to help with the healing process. I welcome all of those grieving.See More
Feb 8
Tammy McLaughlin and Rosie are now friends
Jan 30

© 2024   Created by Ninja.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service