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Comment by Nancy on January 20, 2018 at 8:20pm

Rose. 8 months for me.  We would have been married 44 years last month.   Weekends are the worst for me as I'm still working and keep busy during the week.   I'm very hollow.

Comment by Rose C Gianopoulos on January 20, 2018 at 7:49pm

Good evening,  This is my first time in the group.  I lost my husband 3 months ago today.  Each and every Saturday brings me back to the greatest pain I have ever felt.  It has not gotten any better.  

We were married for 50 years and Peter died 21 days after our 50th Anniversary Celebration.  I am lost without him and I am reaching out.  

Comment by Elynn m on January 12, 2018 at 6:13pm

Jennifer,

I'm so sorry.  Your husband was so young.  It is very hard to imagine life without our precious husbands.  We can help each other here. I am very grateful for this site.  I am free to express my feelings, because I know that the friends here understand what I'm going through, unlike others are able to do.   Jennifer, please continue to join us, because I'm sure we can glean from your wisdom and experience.

Comment by Jennifer Vecchio on January 12, 2018 at 5:08pm

Hi. I am new to this group. I recently lost my husband who was just 37 years old this December. It was shocking and very traumatic for me. We were together for 15 years. I am completely devasted and can't even imagine a life without him in it! I don't know what to do. Everyday it gets harder and harder. I feel so alone. 

Comment by bluebird on January 6, 2018 at 7:03pm

morgan,

I know what you mean. Before I met my husband I had published poems, completed college and grad school, backpacked around Europe, worked at a law firm, lived in my own apartment, etc.  Then once I met him my life expanded even more, he was and is the love of my life, my only love, and we enriched each other. Our life wasn't perfect, but I had things I enjoyed, and I was able to DO things (alone and with my husband).

Not anymore, not since my husband died. Like you, I can't watch anything with loving couples, and I don't want to see them in real life either (nor couples/families with young kids, which now I will never have). I can't buy or eat the foods he and/or we loved. I can't watch the tv shows we enjoyed together. I can't do this either.

It's as you said, "....the remembering of how content I was rears its head and I come crashing down."  I would say that I don't even give the impression of having things together or making progress, I doubt anyone would say that of me  now (especially my family, who know better), but even so, if I am having an ok moment/day it all crashes back into me, knowing how much I love him, and how we will never have our life together as we should have, and that he is dead, and that I will never be happy again in this life.  Never. So what is the point?

At the very least, allow yourself to "....crawl in bed, pull up the covers and stop" on some days/nights, the worst ones.  It sucks that it's necessary, but you are entitled to do it if you want/need to.

I initially came to websites like this one looking not for ways to stop my grief, but for some proof of an afterlife. I have not found that, in part I think because I've realized that nothing anyone else experiences or says could possibly be proof enough for me. I can only accept such proof from my husband, from him coming to me somehow.

As you said, it's that I cannot live without him. Any time I have lived and will live since he died is wasted.  

I know you feel much as I do; I truly do hope you are able to find some peace, however that may come.

Comment by bluebird on January 6, 2018 at 6:47pm

Maybe so, Linda, I don't know. I only know that while I have moments in which I am able to function somewhat (I go to work, though I am nowhere near as bright and capable as I used to be; I go to the grocery store; I do the laundry; I pay the bills; etc.), and even moments in which I am not miserable, the fact is that the point and focus of my life is gone. And it's not as though my husband was the only important person/thing in my life -- I also love my family, I am a published poet in literary mags and was hoping to publish books, I loved to travel, I was looking forward to us at some point buying and decorating a house, I had an Etsy shop in which I sold vintage goods found at thrift shops and flea markets, I loved to read (all my life), etc.  And none of that matters to me anymore, except the love I have for my family and that they have for me.  

When you're married/partnered, your future is with that person. My soul was and is intertwined with my husband's, he and I absolutely are soulmates.

Comment by morgan on January 6, 2018 at 6:08pm

I'd never been one to give up.  Until my husband died.  Now I cannot battle the war my brain wants to wage in my head and the emotion that my heart wants me to absorb.  I cant watch movies that have couples in them or have a plot about love.  I cant go to a store without remembering what I would have bought because he liked it.  I cant touch his clothing without breaking up and wanting him to be in the next room.  I cant do this.  

I've been in a really rough place for far too long.  Its had ups when I go through the motions as though I have energy and motivation and then the spectre of the sadness, the remembering of how content I was rears its head and I come crashing down.

I have moved, built, organized, decided and in general done what most people would see from the outside looking in at me as getting the better of the loss.  Not.  Even.  Close.

I want to crawl in bed, pull up the covers and stop.  I read here in the hopes I am going to get some spark of inspiration where someone else mentions what they did that I havent tried to stop the grief.  But I seriously have done pretty much all of what others have written about.  And I really have to thank each of you for writing about your ongoing experiences in trying to turn loss into gain but its not working for me.  I just cannot do it.  I don't know why but its not happening. 

I need something more that convinces me that this ugliness is somehow worth hanging onto.  My downs have gotten really deep.  I could say its the cold weather, I could say its money, I could say its the overwhelming amount of work I have in front of me to tie up our affairs but it would be a lie. Its not that at all.  In fact those are the hours where I seem "normal".  

No, its that I miss him.  Its that I cant live without him.  And day by day that is becoming more apparent.  I am struggling to stay alive and I've been doing so for what seems so long in time.  Do I come out of the downs?  Yes, but how long must I endure?  And can I? 

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 6, 2018 at 1:50pm

Bluebird,

I was told only 2 -4 percent have complicated grief and the ones who have it were true soulmates, not a husband or wife. 

Comment by bluebird on January 6, 2018 at 12:23pm

I don't understand people who have had their spouse/partner die and who don't experience what some call "complicated grief". I don't understand how anyone can in any way or to any degree "recover" from this. Clearly some people do, but I don't understand how or why. I'm not saying they are wrong to do so, I'm saying that I literally don't understand it. I think that when it comes to the death of a spouse/partner, the assumption should be that the grief is and always will be complicated, and then if someone is an exception that's fine.

Comment by Linda Engberg on January 6, 2018 at 6:25am

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