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I miss my Mom!

If you have that hole in your heart that you get when you lose the woman that you shared a body with....

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i need my mom

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Comment by BLUEBELL on December 3, 2017 at 2:48pm

I have apologized to my Mom over and over again for indicating to her that she needed to try hard to recover the night before she died. I hope she has forgiven me. I was so torn between letting her go and the hope that somehow she would bounce back if I just took good enough care of her. But she was tired and her body was failing. There was nothing I could do to prevent her from dying. But that still does not prevent me from still thinking from time to time "what if I had just done this or done that?" But I do not and never have had the power to keep someone from going to God when he calls them to his house.

Bluebell

Comment by Luisa Salter on December 3, 2017 at 12:54pm

I appreciate the memories that are being shared about the final days and hours each of us had with our Moms. Each of us loved our Moms so dearly and had to be brave then to let her go. The memories are so painful but I pray that sharing them helps each of us slowly make peace with what happened.

About 2 weeks before Mom passed, I asked her sister to come stay with her so I could take my daughter on a little trip. So much of my time and attention had gone to my Mom over the last year and a half, and I was so physically and emotionally exhausted, I felt that my daughter and I needed to take a break and spend some time together. We went down to palm springs for a few days. I don't remember feeling much on the trip except maybe a little relief from worrying about my Mom's care, because her sister was with her and I knew that she would take good care of Mom. I think that some part of me hoped that Mom would bounce back a little while I was gone, and that she would rally again, like she had so many times before. But walking into her bedroom the day after we returned, she looked so very ill, probably the same as when we left, but being away from her, I didn't picture her looking as sick as she was. Words can't describe how it broke my heart to see her that way. She was just impossibly thin. I wished that it was just a bad dream. I knew that the end was close. 

We made the decision to start hospice in Spring of 2016, after Mom had suffered two collapsed lungs. Her last stay in the hospital was miserable, and she said no more, I don't want to go back. She had worked 30 + years at that hospital and was adamant that she did not want to die there. At that time she had just had a pleurodesis and was in a lot of pain, couldn't eat, couldn't breathe. It seemed like the most compassionate thing to do. We just wanted to keep her comfortable at home. We thought that she was going to die soon. We just had no idea what was in store. I ask myself, if she had known that she was going to pull through and live another year and a half, would she have still wanted Hospice? The paradox is that I believe she rallied because of the drugs and so fourth provided by Hospice. One of her biggest problems was that she could not eat and was already dangerously thin. We even tried medical marijuana and megace, nothing worked. Then on Hospice, they put her on steroids and morphine, and she had an appetite again, and she had a sense that she could breathe enough to eat. And she started gaining some weight. She regained some strength, and could even walk down to the dining room or the mail box at her retirement home. We had this sense of normalcy for awhile, and it seemed like maybe Mom would just keep living, maybe for a few more years. But deep down I knew that morphine and steroids were a temporary fix, and causing problems of their own. They were masking a degenerative condition. But I think that at that time, I started taking Mom's life for granted again. I didn't know what to do with this extra time God had given us. And on the steroids, Mom wasn't really herself either. She was manic and demanding. It was difficult to be around her at times. How I wish that I had done more, taken her out more, spent more time. I thought that everything else in my life was so important. I was selfish. 

Now when I think about my Mom, I have regret over time not spent. I know that I did a lot for Mom, but I wish that I had done more. I really do. When I am really sad, that is often where my mind goes, and I'll start talking to my Mom out loud, telling her that I'm sorry. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 3, 2017 at 11:00am

Bluebell, It was the same situation for me. Mom did not want to go to the hospital anymore. I kept calling 911. They would do what they could, mom would be discharged, and she would be back in the hospital a few days later. Her doctor agreed that she should be on Hospice care. Even at her death my brother wanted me to call 911. My mom deserved the right to decide. It was so hard but I knew how taxing it was for her to be in that hospital. She had had enough. Not calling 911, even when she was on Hospice, and I knew that there wasn't anymore the hospital could do for her, went against every natural instinct that I had. I am glad that my mom got to die at home. That's what my mom wanted. It was hard to abide by that decision. I will add though that she was so much happier at home. She was so glad that the 911 calls and the ICU stays were over. She had a wonderful sense of peace here.

I would have missed my mom so much regardless of the circumstances, but being her caretaker, and being with her 24 hours a day, made it so much harder for me to say goodbye. In a roundabout way it's like she even became my child.

Comment by Gregory on December 3, 2017 at 10:51am

I never wanted to admit to myself that my Mom's last visit to the hospital would be her last.  She had trouble talking but her last words to me was, "I love you" after I said that to her during my last visit.  The next morning my sister called me and my brothers and said to get to the hospital immediately.  On the way she called my brother and told us not to rush.  Even then I didn't believe she was gone.  The next few days were just a numb blur of activity before the grief really hit.  That was two years ago and I still hurt.  Now with the holidays approaching, it's getting worse.  My Mom made Christmas for all of us.  Most of the traditions are gone along with my Mom.  I'm trying to get through it all but sometimes I feel like I'm losing a battle impossible to win. 

Comment by BLUEBELL on December 3, 2017 at 10:37am

I am not a selfless person even though my last post may have come across that way. I did not want my Mom to pass away, EVER. It does console me that she is now free of pain and has peace. But for myself, I am still in emotional pain a lot of the time and my moments of peace do come, but not for very long. I pray that in time, I will be left with good memories and be grateful for the time I did have with her. And even though I was her caregiver for a good part of the last 3 years of her life probably made it harder for me to be without her in my daily life, I would do it again.

Bluebell

Comment by BLUEBELL on December 3, 2017 at 9:58am

What was heartbreaking for me was that when Mom was in the hospital for the last time, the day before she came home on Hospice, she was recovering and she was to be discharged. But over night, she took a big turn for the worse and I knew in my heart we needed to get her home. It was obvious she was suffering. She had to wear a non breather mask which delivered 100% oxygen. Her lungs were filling up with fluid and she had to have IV medications to get rid of it 2-3 times a day.  Her kidneys were failing.She could no longer walk because of weakness and the condition of her heart and lungs. It was a very hard decision, but I knew the kindest thing I could do for her was to get her home with her beloved cats and have the family come from out of town to be with her. She was home only 2 days before she died. I tried to help her by giving her all her medications, 100% oxygen and even the IV medication to get rid of the fluid build up. But nothing helped. I remember she did not want to die in her sleep, so my brother and I got her out of bed and into a special recliner chair in the living room. She had her milk and cookies, even though she could only take a couple of bites and a sip of milk. She was gone in about 2 hours after that with her family around her and me telling her it was okay to go and that I loved her. I hope she heard me. One of the Hospice nurses (a co worker) came over after I had become hysterical on the phone that day because nothing I was doing was helping my Mom and she was just getting worse. I am so grateful she was there when Mom passed away. Even though I am a Hospice nurse myself, my mind was so filled with grief, I needed help to decide what medications I could give Mom to make her as comfortable as possible during her transition from this life to the next. Letting her go was the hardest thing I ever have had to do.

I still have doubts about the health care decisions I made for my Mom in the month before her death. Maybe if I had insisted she go to the hospital before, maybe she would still be here. But I have to remind myself that she was still capable of making decisions for herself and she did not want to go. She only agreed this last time because she could not breath, was scared and very uncomfortable. 

Bluebell

Comment by Theresa on December 3, 2017 at 6:16am

Bluebell such a lovely picture!!!!

Brett someone once said to me you think the first year is hard, the second is harder.

Should I say this is three Christmas's without my mom because she died on 12/19, like I said the first year I was in a fog and complete haze.

Comment by Brett Bowman on December 3, 2017 at 1:51am

What Bluebell's post proves to me is that there is never a good time to lose your mom. I recently lost a great aunt who was 101. I think that her children felt just as much pain as someone who loses their mom at a young age. I would have loved for my mom to have lived to be 95 or 101 because that means that she would still be alive, and if my mom had made it to 101, I would have been pretty old myself. Now I feel like I have a really long wait to see her again. But we never know, tomorrow isn't promised to anyone, and I have noticed that I have picked up some very unhealthy habits. Like I eat what I want now. I imagine that somewhere deep down I am trying to hasten the process. I don't want to live to be 100. Not even close. I miss my mom too much for that. Maybe that will change some day. I don't see how. That's why I pray. I pray that there can be happiness and security in this life even without my mom. And the finality of it all is overwhelming. To know that I will not see my mom again in this life is beyond deflating. My mom wouldn't have wanted this for me, but I cannot help how I feel. I could lie to myself and go through the motions, but the grief would catch up to me one day. Folks will say, "Your mom wouldn't want for you to feel this way." Well, guess what? I'm not crazy about it myself.

This will be my second Christmas without my mom, but people actually act like I should feel better now because this isn't the first Christmas. That's insane. Grief isn't on the clock. I'll feel better when I feel better. I believe that I even feel worse now than I did at this time last year because it has been a longer amount of time that I have not been able to see my mom. 

Comment by Luisa Salter on December 3, 2017 at 1:10am

Bluebell your mother had the sweetest most genuine smile. Thank you for sharing that adorable picture.

This last week since Thanksgiving has been a whirlwind. I drove to my Mom's sister's in Bellingham WA for the holiday with my 11-year old daughter. My brother was there also and a cousin whom I haven't seen in a few years. I was afraid that it might be hard going there because I have never been to my Aunt's before when my Mom wasn't there. But it was really comforting to be with my Aunt, because she misses Mom as much as I do. I only really feel apart once, on the Saturday after the holiday when we went shopping at a craft fair. They had musicians performing and one woman sang Wind Beneath My Wings. I just started crying so hard. That song really describes what my Mom means to me. Anyway, we came back from my Aunt's Sunday, and went back to what ended up being a really stressful work week.  Bluebell it sounds like you are a nurse, and I am one too. I love my job and feel so blessed that God put me here. However, I also really relate to you when you talk about how sad it can be.

So today is really the first day that I've had some time to decompress. Brett I heard you mention earlier that you struggle with the concept of never seeing your Mom again in this lifetime. This is what I struggle with too. My Mom was young, only 68. I'm 39, my daughter is 11. Sometimes when I think about living the rest of my life without her, the best way I can describe what I feel is a sort of fear and panic. I am also very aware of other adults talking about their parents who are still living, often people much older than I. I know I'm not a child but I feel too young to be without a Mom. I feel that I still need her here. I feel angry that she's gone and angry at myself for not doing more to help her improve her health before she became so ill. I wonder if we should have taken her off of hospice and tried to give her a longer life. I wonder if I had cut back more on work to take care of her instead using hired caregivers so much, she would have lived longer. 

The truth is, taking care of my Mom, seeing her suffer, was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Spending too many hours with her, seeing her body waste away, not being able to get her to eat, seeing her zonked on morphine because otherwise she felt so short of breath, was sometimes more than I could bear. I would watch her sleep and just cry, because I knew that she was going to leave me and I was powerless over that. I have great admiration for those of you who lived with your Mom's and took care of them 24/7. That is a huge act of love. I am very grateful that I got to be with my Mom, lying next to her in the moment she left this world, as painful as it was, and the memory still is. I was by her side for the days before, and she was so uncomfortable. She just wanted it to be over, and she said as much to the Hospice nurse. I told Mom, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It is so hard for you. And Mom said to me "We're doing it together". She understood how hard it was for me, and she was with me, too. 

Comment by Sherri on December 2, 2017 at 12:08pm
I agree Bluebell I find it hard so I know each one of us has this problem. I can't imagine not having somewhere to go when your ready. My heart breaks for you.
 

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