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Comment by Brett Bowman on November 14, 2017 at 1:13am

Luisa, I guess that we don't know if he has worked through his grief. Some people try to move on too quickly. If there is one thing I have learned about grief is that it will not be ignored. You are going to deal with it sooner or later. There were people in my grief class who were several years removed from their mother's death. Unresolved issues came back. They had never truly dealt with their grief and it came back to haunt them in a big way.

There are also people who seem to grieve very quickly. I am just not wired that way. Sometimes I wish that I were, though I feel like I would be betraying my mom if I got over her death too soon. At this point there is no fear of that happening. At this point my mom would tell me to move on if she could.

The oddity about all of this is that I am still confused how he would not know her wishes? If I were him I would want for her wishes to be finalized, but at the same time I may be reluctant to bring it up because her ashes may be something that he believes to be sacred to Sherri and I would not want to cause a problem, particularly if I felt that Sherri needed them and wanted them more than me.

I imagine there are families who have fought tooth and nail over their mom's remains. That can't be good either.

Sherri, all I know for sure is the only way that you will be able to find closure in this matter is to discuss it with him. That's got to be difficult though. As I said earlier, I would hate for him to take the ashes because he wants to appease you. This is all new to me. My mom is buried in our family plot. Cremation is different for me because no one in my family has done it. It would make me very sad to have my mom remains in my house.

I do feel very sorry for your step dad on one count. After my mom died my sister became angry because she said that she could no longer feel mom's presence in our house. Only mine. I sure did not mean for that to happen. 

Comment by Luisa Salter on November 14, 2017 at 12:24am

Brett I really appreciated what you said about our Mom's loving us above any of their things. It is comforting to remember that they do live on through us, through our bodies, minds and spirits. The great love that we shared lives on. I remember my Mom saying to me a couple of months before she died, that she will always be with me. It makes me cry to think about because she's not with me in the way I want her to be, which is right here and alive, but she is with me as much as she can be, probably more than I know. Her angel could be right here in this room beside me. 

We just have to remember that our pain is a testament to the grief love in our hearts, and one day when we think of our Mom's, our love will feel stronger than the pain. 

Hugs, Luisa

Comment by Luisa Salter on November 14, 2017 at 12:16am

Sherri, I know how you feel going back to the place where she lived and I understand thank feeling of not wanting to trigger memories by looking at your Mom's things. It is indescribably heart wrenching. I had to empty my Mom's place out within a month after she passed because she was living in an expensive retirement apartment and I knew that Mom would not want us to waste money on an empty apartment. Several times during that month I made plans to go into Mom's apt. with friends or my Mom's sister and go through certain things or pack certain things, but once I got in there I was soon paralyzed with sadness and memories. I could work at something for maybe 15 minutes and then I would either lay on Mom's bedroom floor or sit in her chair and cry my eyes out. Anyway, in the end I hired movers to pack most of it and moved into a storage unit that I have not visited since. Anyway, every single step of this process of learning to live with our Mom's absence just hurts terribly. 

Sherri I also wanted to say that I agree with Bluebell and Brett, from what it sounds like your Mom entrusted you with her wishes for where her remains should be kept, and so it would be best to try to carry that out. But I also wanted to ask, are you sure that your step Dad doesn't know what her wishes were? I have to imagine that he loves her and would want to fulfill them. Does the new girlfriend live there already? If he doesn't want to honor your Mom's wishes I personally would find that very selfish of him and wonder about his loyalty to her. But that's just me. I have heard this before that some men remarry quickly after they are widowed and I have to say I don't understand it but I guess its not uncommon. That being said, its got to be uncomfortable if not painful for you to see him move on so quickly. It may be that he cleared away her things and found a new girlfriend because he wants avoid the grief. A new relationship would be a nice distraction from it and may numb the feelings some. I don't know him but I can't imagined that he's worked through his whole grieving process already and is emotionally free and ready for someone new. 

It must be incredibly strange and sad to go to your Mom's house and have it not be her house anymore. I'm very sorry that you are having to endure that.

Sorry if I sound overly critical.

I agree with Brett also that if he does not want to keep her ashes in the home that they shared, she is just as well to be with her daughter whom will always love her.

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 13, 2017 at 10:03pm

I dread the holiday season very much. There was just too much that happened between Thanksgiving and the Christmas eve that my mom died. Too much sadness and too much fear, but that paled in comparison to the next Christmas when I did not have my mom at all. My mom always made the holidays special with the decorations, her cooking, and the smell of mulling spices. A year later there was none of those things, just a memory. It's hard to live on a memory. I remember when I would so look forward to seeing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on television, and how I cherished my Christmas memories. Now they break my heart.

I'm tired of being sad, but being tired of being sad does not make it go away. I really miss my mom.

Comment by Theresa on November 13, 2017 at 5:30pm

Bluebell, thank  you for your kind words

Sorry I have been working a lot and am so tire at night I just want to go to bed.

Hope everyone is doing as good as can be expected with the first Holiday Thanksgiving coming.

Comment by Lisa Green on November 13, 2017 at 10:47am

Brett,

You couldn't be more right. My Mom kept me grounded all of my life in more ways then I ever imagined. Now that she's gone, I struggle to stay grounded but somehow I am. My Dad developed dementia from extreme grief after mom passed and so now I am the one who oversee's all of his financial things, his care and his primary support system. Life sure changes quickly. February 2018 will be two years since I lost my Mom. LOVE is truly the best way to describe the connection we all have on this site. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 13, 2017 at 10:25am

Lisa, we all have one thing in common. Love. We all know what it is like to love someone with all of our hearts and then to lose them. 

God Bless You.

Comment by Lisa Green on November 13, 2017 at 10:18am

Brett,

So many things you talked about in your most recent post helped me to put some things in their proper place and realize that my feelings are not unique in that you too are feeling some of the same things I am. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 13, 2017 at 10:13am

Sherri, you will always be your mom's advocate. It is for you to make sure that her wishes are carried out. This is a hard thing to say, but she can no longer speak for herself. My fear is that if you do not follow her wishes that it may open up a giant can of guilt for you. You are going through enough as it is.

I can sure understand your situation though. It's a tough one. I don't know your step dad. People grieve in their own way. It is possible that he may not want your mom's remains in that house. It is also possible that he may agree to it for your sake. That in itself is difficult. Our mom's are so precious to us, I would hate to let go of her remains to someone who may not wish to have them. It could even be that he does want to have her remains. Regardless, you need to broach the subject. You will not find peace until you obey your mom's wishes.

Also, I can only imagine how hard it is to go into that house. Suddenly it feels like the house is his instead of your moms. You sense his presence more than you sense hers. I know that is hard. But the thing to remember is that your mom loved you more than she ever loved a house. One day I will have to sell my mom's house. I hate to think of some family living here. People who never even knew or cared about my mom. One day it will be their house and not my moms. I dread that day, but nothing can ever take away what happened here, the love between my mom and I, or the times we had together, even her final journey home. Those things took place. I was there. That is what is most important.

God Bless You. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 13, 2017 at 9:58am

Luisa, I am so sorry. That is so hard. The day that I removed my moms things absolutely tore me apart. There were so many little things that I had never even considered while she was alive. I would find a t-shirt and I would remember how often she wore it. And then I would long for those days. I remember looking at her make-up, and body lotions, and hair supplies and remember all the many times that I had seen her get ready to go shopping or to the doctor's office or anywhere. The reality that she would never need those things again, and the reality that she would never be going anywhere again was too much. I could replay in my mind how often I had seen her use those things, and then I just wished that I could have those days back. Even just one day.

My mom didn't have a metal box. She had told me where her will was located. I avoided that drawer like the plague when she was alive. I would always try to change the subject when she mentioned it. She would say, "well, you need to know." I would say, "Mom, hopefully I won't have to worry about it for a long time to come." Well, that day finally came. It was such a hard thing to read. I saw all the places where my mom had signed, and I imagined that day. I could see her sitting in an attorney's office. I wondered what she did after she left. I wondered where I was on that day. I was somewhere oblivious to the reality that was to come. My mom came home that day. For me it was probably just another day. When I saw her signature I wanted that day back.

Finding my mom's hairbrush was so hard. There was still hair in between the bristles. I was looking at a part of my mom.

There are people who would say that what you did is all a part of the process and that it needed to be done. Maybe so, but the pain of it is too great.

This is what gave me some comfort. All the things in my mom's house, her clothes, her makeup, that hairbrush, those were all just things to my mom. There was only one thing in my house that my mom truly loved and that was me. You are your moms most cherished possession. You can't be thrown away or donated. You go on. And through you a great big part of your mom goes on as well. If you could talk to your mom today, she would not be too concerned with that metal box. She wouldn't be too concerned about her art supplies. She would just be concerned about you. She would tell you that she loves you again. Take comfort in that.

You also touched on something that we all worry about. We are afraid that as time passes that we will forget some things about our moms. That her voice may not be as clear in our heads. What's even worse is that memories become years away instead of a few weeks old. As horrible as the day was that I had lost my mom, I had still seen her and talked with her on that day. Her memory could not have been more fresh, but I can promise you that I have not forgotten my mom. It is all very fresh for me still. Will it be in 20 years? Maybe not, but I will love my mom as much as I do today. That will never die. She cannot be forgotten. She will be with me every day for the rest of my life. 

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