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Comment by Luisa Salter on November 5, 2017 at 3:36pm

Karyl I get tired of the pain too. Sometimes I do feel a bit hopeless. I know that nothing will ever really fill the Mom-shaped space in my heart. Today I am not having a great day, thinking about the past, worrying about the future. I don't want to forget Mom or stop thinking about her, but the more I think about her, sometimes it makes the pain worse. I want to keep her alive in my thoughts and memory. I feel terrified of getting rid of anything that belonged to her.  People say to me, and I say to myself, that the things are just things, but they seem like all I have left, besides memories, but what if the memories fade? I just want to see her again and hug her so badly. Once again, I can't believe that she's gone. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 5, 2017 at 10:29am

Luisa, I think that I was able to be strong for my mother because I loved her so much, but I am having great trouble being strong for myself. I do not feel strong at all. I wish that I did.

Comment by karyl curtis on November 5, 2017 at 7:09am

there are days i do get tired of crying..and feel guilty bec. of it all...no one can reverse it...but is it really just destiny?

wish there's a way fo fill in the gap someday soon.. realizing it's fine to be incomplete now.

Comment by Luisa Salter on November 5, 2017 at 12:06am

I have been thinking that too, it would be nice if we could all meet together and talk in person. I was planning to join a grief support group this month, its run through the Hospice that helped care for my Mom. I found out last week that when they signed me up they had made a mistake, there actually wasn't a space for me in the group. I think its like a group/class that runs for 12 weeks. So the next one starts in February. I was hoping to be in the one that starts now because I thought it might help get me through the holidays, but it didn't work out. My Mom's Birthday is in February though and that will probably be a good time to have the extra support too I suppose.

I have to admit I'm in denial about the Holidays coming up. I have never not spent Christmas with my Mom, not once. I can't even imagine how it will be. My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 9, and I lived with my Mom and my brother mostly lived with my Dad. Mom never remarried and so it was just Mom and I until I moved out at 18. My brother and I, and Mom's sister were all she had really. I was lucky that my brother helped out quite a bit when Mom got to where she needed someone with her 24/7. My brother lives a few hours away from where Mom and I live, but he would close down his shop and drive down every week and stay Monday night through Wednesday morning with her. I was very proud of my brother for being such a good son and I also gained a whole new respect for him. It was very hard to witness my Mom's decline, she couldn't eat and she wasted away. Looking at pictures of her that were taken not long before she died are heartbreaking. Watching your Mom die is heartbreaking. Caring for her, cleaning her, turning her, trying to relieve her pain, trying to put on a brave face before her, those were quite possibly the hardest things I've ever done. I honestly don't believe it's for the faint of heart.

Brett you are a very strong person for being there for your Mom. I know that you are in a lot of pain now. But I believe that one day you will be able to think about your Mom and feel more love and peace than sadness, and life will be easier. You will realize that the special time you were able to spend with your Mom was a gift to yourself as well as to her. It makes sense to me that the process is longer and more painful for you than perhaps it is for some, because you were brave enough to walk with her and carry her all the way to the end. The pain you feel is the evidence of how deeply you love her. It is such a blessing to us that we had the love of our Mothers.

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 4, 2017 at 11:10pm

Luisa, I guess I thought of my mom and I as having separate identities as well. There is some truth in there. If my mom and I did not have a separate identity I guess I would be gone now as well. I'm still here.

What may have been embarrassing to me at one time is easy to admit now. I was my mom's life companion. She was mine as well. It's almost as if we were an old married couple. I hope that does not sound weird. I just mean that, right now I am watching football. If my mom were still alive she would be sitting right here with me watching the game, and the truth was that there was no place that I would rather be. And not just on game nights. It could have been any night. My favorite thing was to watch TV at night with my mom and our dogs. I loved being at home with my mom. It's just the unconditional love that was between us, and our dogs knew nothing but unconditional love, so together we all made a pretty good team. A great team.

I didn't want to leave. Mom didn't want me to leave. The dogs sure didn't want me to leave. I wanted it to be like that forever.

That wasn't to be. And now I am lost. It's just me and one sweet little elderly dog now. I wish I could hit the rewind button. I can't. In a little while I am going to turn the clock back one hour. I wish that I could turn it back a lot farther.

Yes. I wish that I had appreciated my time with mom more. It still wouldn't have been enough. I would still be missing her right now.

We do all have a lot in common. We sure miss and love our moms. I wish that we could have a grievance group where we could all meet at the church on a weekday night and share stories, but we are all spread so far apart. No. we are not alone. It sure feels like it sometimes though. I miss my mama.

You are all in my heart though. I'm sorry that each of you are so sad as well, but I thank you for taking this walk with me.

God Bless you all.

Comment by Luisa Salter on November 4, 2017 at 9:55pm

It sounds like it has been a rough week for us all.

Brett I also lost someone I knew this week, it is someone I have known for only a couple of years, but I had gotten to know her very well and her husband too. She fought a terrible form of cancer and knew that her time was limited. She went through multiple lines of chemo and fought it with everything she had. I knew that she was very sick but she always had such a positive glow and energy about her. She was always smiling and always more interested in talking with me about how I was doing than talking about herself. I feel very sad for her husband and how this will be for him. I'm certain that he is still in shock. I have sent him a card and will go to her service in December.

I think that I understand what you and Theresa mean about that protective denial that is there in the beginning. This is all still new to me, and the grief seems to come in fits and starts. Sometimes I feel numb and at a moments notice, something makes me think of my Mom, and that deep pain floods to the surface and I am overcome by the power of it.

Sharing my feelings here and reading what others are going through helps me feel less alone. Like when Brett said "I wish that I had appreciated my time with her even more than I did, but we can never really know what this feels like until they die". I never realized before my Mom was gone that she was a fundamental part of my identity. I was who I was, and she was my Mom. I took it for granted much of my life. I had no idea that one day I would seek out every single memory of her, all of those experiences and that they would become more precious than gold to me. I did not know that I would feel so lost without her. How could I have known? Having our parents alive in our worlds is all we have ever known, until they are gone.

Sometimes I feel angry that my Mom died at 68. It isn't fair. I really wasn't ready. And then I feel angry at myself and guilty thinking that I should have done more, could have done more. I cry and tell Mom out loud that I'm sorry. Then I imagine her hugging me and telling me it's ok.

I did want to say to everyone, you are not alone. There are many, many of us worn and wounded people and we can be there for each other. Don't despair. Our Mom's would not want us to live in despair. Hugs to all - 

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 4, 2017 at 3:04pm

One of my longtime neighbors died last night. I didn't know at the time what was happening, but I saw the ambulance and heard the siren. I have heard that siren so many times. Just seeing that pulled a horrible trigger.

I was walking my dog this morning. My neighbor came out of the house and told me that his wife had died. I had known her for 30 years. The look on his face was something that I was so familiar with. It was shock. There was a hint of a smile and it all seemed like normal conversation for him, but I know that he reality will be very hard for him, and it can come at odd times. He has a lot to do today but at some point he will sit down. We have all seen this. We have all experienced it. As heartbroken as I was when my mom died, I just know that there was some kind of defense mechanism working in me that kept me from losing it.

I don't know what is worse; the immediate realization that you have just lost the person that you love the most, or the day when the finality of the loss truly sinks in.

And what may be even more cruel is that second realization is so slow to recede.

 

Comment by Theresa on November 4, 2017 at 2:04pm

Bluebell, what you do is wonderful, you have a gift.

There is always something that bring of the grief of our loss, unfortunately.

God Bless

Comment by BLUEBELL on November 4, 2017 at 1:21pm

It has been a hard week. I have a couple of patient's that are very ill and getting closer to the end of their life. I have to talk with the families and let them know what is going on. Of course they are upset. I do my best to offer support, but I know there is nothing I can do to take away the grief they are experiencing now and in the future. Of course, it brings up the intensity of my own grief over the loss of my Mom. I feel drained and exhausted.

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 4, 2017 at 10:48am

No, it has not been fast. I have felt every day of it. 

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