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Comment by Theresa on November 4, 2017 at 5:43am

Its been 23 months since I last saw my mom, talked to my mom or looked at her smiling face

We are coming up on two years Brett, some people say boy times goes fast, but not for me

Comment by Brett Bowman on November 3, 2017 at 9:01pm

It's been 23 months since I last saw my mom. I miss her so much. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on October 28, 2017 at 2:27pm

Theresa, I know that if the roles had been reversed and I had not been at my mom's side at the time of her death, I would feel just like you do. I would beat myself up for life basically. And I also know that people would have said, "Brett stop doing this to yourself. Your mama knew how much you loved her." It's like we just feel the need to beat ourselves up. And that is a shame because missing our mom's is hard enough as it is. Believe me, I have searched my brain for anything that I could have done differently. If you look hard enough you are going to find something, maybe a lot of things. But the bottom line is that I had a life with my mom. I lived it. I loved her. I will always love her. She loved me. 

We can't go back. So I will at least try to focus on the life that we had together. It must have been great. If it were not I wouldn't be missing her so much today. 

I pray that both of us will find peace in love.

Comment by Theresa on October 28, 2017 at 6:33am

Brett, you are so kind, everyone around me has just written this off, they are like my gosh she was 92 and did more than you until the minute she died, you are right we just had more meaningful realtionships with our moms.  I am right there with you, would I change anything, no, I just wish that I appreciated my time with her more.  Like taking ten minutes to learn how to make her delicious stew she used to make for us.  I was always rushing, saying ok mom, I got it.  One thing I do have and I am thrilled, my mom used to make pizzelles every Christmas season, she had packed away her old iron, with the recipe on top of it in her handwriting in a plastic bag.  I used it last year and will do the same again.  It reminds me of her so much.  She made so many and gave them to the priest, me, my co workers, her neighbor who lived alone. 

Yes I loved my mom with all my heart, but I could have been more verbal about it instead of holding it inside.

Comment by Brett Bowman on October 27, 2017 at 10:02pm

Theresa, people like us, we just love our moms so much. It amazes me how easily some folks I have known have been able to get past the death of their mothers quickly. I was talking to a girl in my grief class. I asked her how often she thought about her mom. She said, "Every few days." That blew me away. She asked me how often I thought about my mom. I told her that mom never left my mind. Even when I was thinking about something else, mom is always in the back of my mind. It's a constant thing. She decided that she didn't need grief class.

I'm certainly not saying that I loved my mom more than she loved hers. I guess I just relied on my mom so much more, and for so many different reasons. I envy that girl some, but I can't help but wonder if I had a better, more meaningful experience with my mom. Loving our moms the way that you and I do is a high risk, high reward proposition. It was wonderful while it lasted, but now I am paying a price for leaning on my mom so much.

Would I change anything? Not much. I wish that I had appreciated my time with her even more than I did, but we can never really know what this feels like until they die. There is no other way around it.

Theresa, from the beginning I could feel your pain. And I know that your guilt adds fuel to your fire. There's no reason for it. The loss of your mom hurts you enough as it is. And you know that your mom would perfectly understand your reasons for arriving late to the hospital. Your life with your mom cannot be measured by the final minutes of her life. You loved her for your lifetime and she knows it.

Comment by Theresa on October 27, 2017 at 5:47pm

Once again Brett I couldn’t say it like you did thank you , you give me hope you’re right when death comes it comes it doesn’t matter where we are how we are what time of year it is....

Comment by Brett Bowman on October 26, 2017 at 10:39pm

Theresa, it's not regrets that I have. It's just that there is no good way to lose your mom. I didn't expect my mom to die on Christmas Eve. She was on Hospice and I knew that the prognosis was death but she was not on Hospice for very long. She had not been on Hospice for long. She had her faculties about her. We had conversation, watched TV together, everything was just like before. Christmas Eve morning I could just feel something was different. And when she actually started to die I just felt it. I don't know how I knew but I did know. I sat by her hospital bed for a long while and she gradually just slipped away. I saw her take her last breath. Since it was Christmas Eve it took a long time for the funeral home to get to our house. About three hours. Hospice came quickly. They folded her arms over her chest. I just sat there when they left and stared at her face by the light of the Christmas tree. It was agonizing. I couldn't look away. I just kept thinking, "She can't hear me. She can't see me. She can't answer me." And I knew that I would never be able to talk to her again. When someone dies it is like they are gone. That was a hollow shell of my mom laying there. The person I loved the most body was there but I knew that my mom was a million miles away. I couldn't go where she was. I held that gaze for so long because I knew that she would soon be in a coffin buried underground, like she is today. I wanted to drink her in for the last time. Her little dogs were cuddled up around her. I envied them because they didn't know what I knew. She was dead. When they finally came for her it was hard for me to let her go. I don't remember much past that. I was in shock. I don't remember going to bed that night. The following days were horrible. She was still such a presence in this house. Her medicine and her toothbrush was there. Her clothes were there. Everything was in its place except for my mom.

What I am trying to tell you is this... you can spend the rest of your life regretting not being with your mom when she died. But you have to understand that death came regardless of where we were at the time. There was nothing happy about my mom's last hours. Happiness was when she was alive. Death is death. As many times as I told her that I loved her, I don't know how aware she was of me and my words. She was buying. Somewhere in her mind she was dealing with the realization that her life would soon be over. It was not a Hollywood ending. The death of your most cherished loved on is a horrible thing to witness. I felt it again when her little dog Boo Bear died. I just sat and watched her die. There was nothing I could do. Except cry.

Even now I am watching TV. There was a time when I would be sitting her with my mom and her two dogs. Mom would be laughing at the King of Queens. Boo Bear would be bumping me with her little wet nose, until I pet her. And when I stopped she would do it again. They are both gone now. I won't see either of them again in this life. To me heaven is a place where I get to live with my mom forever, and little Boo Bear will be bumping that little wet nose against my leg forever. I will never find it annoying again. I'll just know that she is doing it because she loves me. Don't beat yourself up. You would still be grieving if you had been with your mom when she died. Think about the happy times. They are the ones that matter. Our mom's knew that we loved them with all of our hearts. Saying "I love you" is for us. It really didn't even need to be said. They knew.

Comment by Theresa on October 26, 2017 at 6:11am

Luisa, thank  you for  your kind words and yes God is in charge of our life our every move. 

Brett, its wonderful for you to know your mom died in peace, you were there until the last second and you should have no regrets at all.

 

Comment by Brett Bowman on October 26, 2017 at 1:52am

Luisa, the hardest thing I ever had to do was tell my mom that she could go. I had to do it twice. Once at the hospital we thought that she was going to die. She asked me if I could let her go. I told her that I didn't want to but that I did not have a choice. A few minutes later she asked me to leave the room. She told me that she couldn't die if I was with her.

I felt badly about that. I felt very selfish. My mom was ready to go. I would have never been ready. Before my mom actually did die, I told her that she could go and that I would be fine. I lied. It was all a lie but I believe that it needed to be said. I'm glad that I did say it. My mom died in peace.

Comment by Luisa Salter on October 25, 2017 at 11:01pm

Brett and Theresa thank you for your kind words. My Mom's service was wonderful. I did end up having to speak, and I surprised myself by being able to tell my Mom's story and talk about my love for her and what she meant to me without turning into a puddle of tears. Brett I think it was you who mentioned that at your Mom's service, it was comforting to have so many together who knew and loved your Mom. I felt the same way. I honestly wish we could celebrate her again, every year. There was a lot of laughter at Mom's service as people spoke and shared stories.  Even my Mom's sister, who is in terrible agony in her grief, was able to smile and share memories. I did feel a sense of relief after the Memorial, but certainly the grief will last a lifetime. Today I looked at a picture of my Mom that was taken when she was young, probably in her 20's. It is a close up of her face, one of my favorites. When I was looking at her face in the photo I was suddenly struck with a huge wave of sadness. I was seeing her face the way I remember it as a child, so comforting and familiar, and I felt like child, and I felt the reality of that huge void again. I've felt a lot of grief over the past year and a half, even before she was gone, because my Mom was so sick and transitioned quickly to someone who was very different from the woman she was just a couple of years before..But even in sickness she did everything she possibly could to be a mother to me. She still listened, gave me advice and loved me unconditionally. She downplayed her discomfort and fear so as not to burden me. Its just so unthinkable that I can't go to her anymore.  

Like Brett, my Mom and I did get to say I love you and say goodbye many times in the months, weeks and days before Mom left. But I could never say goodbye in a way that felt like letting go, because I did not want her to go. I told her it was ok for her to go, but I didn't want to. I felt that I was being selfish sometimes, because she was suffering in the end. But as long as she drew breath, she was still with me and I didn't have to deal with the unthinkable yet.

Theresa, I am so very sorry that you didn't get to say goodbye to your Mom when you knew it was the last time you would see her. I am absolutely certain that she knew how much you loved her, and she loved you just as much, maybe more, because she was your Mom. 

I've been forcing myself to get out and get regular exercise to help keep depression and anxiety at bay, especially with winter coming and coming up on my first holiday season without Mom. But I also take medication for depression, I have been on antidepressants for many years. I'm sure its helping me hugely right now. 

When the pain and sadness is hard to bear, I take a breath and remind myself that God is in charge of my life, just like He was in charge of my mother's life. I remind myself that God will give me each day what I need to get through that day. And I remind myself that Mom is watching, her spirit is with me and she would not me to dwell in suffering. 

Hugs to all -

Luisa

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