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Comment by Theresa on September 29, 2017 at 5:25am

Brett you are so fortunate to have made your mom proud until the end.

You should have not regrets, our moms still are the key to our happiness, they made us who we are, we are a part of them always.

Each night I ask the same question, mom I know it was your time, but what happened, what made you go in cardiac arrest, I will never know the answer.

I can only assume.

But I say to her I know one day you will let me know. 

Sometimes I feel like wow I am doing better, I started to wean off my med and bam here comes the anxiety, so back on the med, even though the dr says the dose is so low how can it help, maybe its mind over matter.  

Anxiety is the worse because I start to play things over in my mind and then I say ok, so you know nothing is going to change so stop it.  

Will there ever be a day that I can just go about my life.....not yet.

Brett, Bluebell, we have wonderful memories, for that we are fortunate.

The holidays come and go and thats all I want just to get through them.

Have a good day everyone, you will all be in my prayers this morning.

Comment by Brett Bowman on September 28, 2017 at 10:56am

Theresa, you will always miss your mom but it may get a little better as time goes by.

The holidays are so hard. Losing my mom on Christmas eve was... you can imagine. Our last Thanksgiving together was very hard, too. Mom was in the hospital. She wanted for us to still have a good Thanksgiving dinner. She ordered turkey, dressing, pumpkin pie, from a caterer. I picked up the food that morning and took it to her hospital room. One of the nurses told me that mom hadn't eaten breakfast. She wanted to save her appetite for her Thanksgiving dinner. I put a plate on her tray and all she did was push the food around with a fork. Mom loved pumpkin pie. I asked her if she would at least eat some pie. She said yes. All she did was stare at it for a minute and push it around with a fork. She could see that I was heartbroken. She promised me that she would have the nurse put the pie in the refrigerator, and that she would eat it later. I knew that she wouldn't. I left the hospital that day knowing that my mom would die soon. She was so weak already. Not eating would only make it worse.

One of the things that I feel really guilty about is not staying longer that day. I wanted to go home and cry. I did. I wished her a happy Thanksgiving, hugged and kissed her, told her I loved her, and then left.

Yes, the holidays are bad, but I don't know when times have been good. Losing mom just ripped away whatever it was that made me a happy person.

I still don't understand. I know that people have to die. I knew that mom was dying. I still can't get past it. I've come to realize that my mom was the key to my happiness and purpose. Without mom I am like a ship without a rudder.

I'm glad that mom is no longer sick, but sometimes, as I drive past that hospital, I wish that I could visit her again. Take her a newspaper, some candy, just sit with her until it was time for her to go to sleep. My mom would light up when I visited her. If she had a new nurse that I had not met yet, she would so proudly say, "This is my son."

How does a person lose that?

Comment by Theresa on September 28, 2017 at 10:55am

Bluebell, you are right.

Comment by BLUEBELL on September 28, 2017 at 10:17am

I dread the holidays that are coming in this season because everything will be different. My main focus has been my Mom for some time now. I am not sure how I am going to get through this.

I do not think we will ever stop missing our Mom's Theresa. They were such an important part of our live's since we were born. 

Bluebell 

Comment by Theresa on September 28, 2017 at 8:21am

I don't know why but today I am anxious and sad, maybe its the change of seasons, making me think about my mom more.

I guess this is how it will be for me.

Comment by Brett Bowman on September 25, 2017 at 11:20am

I try to do that as well, Bluebell. I always want to be a son who makes my mom proud. I wish that I could somehow know that mom is still aware of me somehow. That she knows how much I miss her and love her. I just don't know if she does. it's something I pray about each day. I ask God to tell my mom that I love her. Sometimes I say it to mom directly. I just don't know if she can hear me. And that hurts. It's hard to go from being able to tell her all of the time to not being able to see her at all. It's gut wrenching. I just don't think that I was made to be apart from my mom. We were salt and pepper.

Comment by BLUEBELL on September 25, 2017 at 10:17am

I am not there yet either Brett.It is so hard to be without her. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other, not to move away from her, but instead to live up to what I think she wanted me to be.

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on September 24, 2017 at 10:51pm

For sure my mom will always be a part of us. But there may come a day when I don't remember her voice or mannerisms as clearly as I do now. There may be a day that I have to look at a picture to remember exactly what she looked like. All of those things make me sad. We cannot hold on to time.

It's a slippery slope. We all know of older people who lose their spouse and can't seem to live without them. Life becomes like a waiting room for people like that. They are just waiting to die. Believe me, I feel a lot of that myself. My mom was basically my other half. My hope for all of us is that we can still live a healthy and happy life without our moms. That is will be enough to know that we will see them again one day. I'm not there yet. I may never be. It remains to be seen.

Comment by Theresa on September 24, 2017 at 2:40pm

Brett I think they will always be a part of us.

Comment by Brett Bowman on September 24, 2017 at 11:09am

Theresa, right now my mom is so incredibly fresh in my mind. I do fear that the day will come when that is no longer the case. I don't want my memories to fade away. That is one of the issues that I have with, "letting go."

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