Comment

Comment by Theresa on October 2, 2017 at 5:29am

I purchased a material box with a zipper and in it I put, moms handbag with everything in it just the was it was, the clothes and shoes she wore to the hospital the day she died, her coffee cup from the diner her and her friends used to meet at (the owner gave it to me), and other various items of my moms.

My mom used to say to me all my friends are dead, I'm the only one.

She was the oldest.

I am like Brett I wake up and go to bed with that same feeling, I miss her so much , she was all I had my best friend, my confidant, my mom.

Some days I think, ok today I will live in the moment and enjoy my life, but it doesn't happen that way, I just pray that one day it does.

 

Comment by Brett Bowman on October 1, 2017 at 10:14pm

I love the things that I have kept. I have my mom's nameplate from her desk, her wallet, her cell phone. What I don't have is my mom. And it also makes me sad, even scares me, to think that the only way I will see her again is to die. I can see why elderly people reach a point where they want to go because all of their friends and family have passed.

I'm not that old but I sure do miss my mom. That feeling is with me from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed at night. Sometimes it still hits me like a ton of bricks that my mom is actually gone. It shocks me. She's been besides me my whole life and now she is gone.

After my mom died I asked myself on simple question, "Can I be happy in this life without my mom?" I still don't know the answer to that question. For the last year and nine months the answer has been no.

Comment by Luisa Salter on October 1, 2017 at 6:36pm

Brett, Theresa and Bluebell, my heart goes out to you. I truly understand how hard it is. Over the years before my Mom passed I struggled with a lot of anxiety and depression, a sort of "anxious depression" that was horrendous to live with, and these were unrelated to Mom or her illness. Not long before she got sick, I had finally found the right combination of medication, exercise and spirituality to give me some calmness back. I thank God for giving me those things; without them I would not have been able to be there for Mom like I was. I certainly didn't do it perfectly but with God's help I showed up for her the best I could. 

My animals are very important to me also. I have 3 cats. I would love to have a Dog and hope to get one some day. My friends and my daughter are also my lifelines right now. 

Even with those supports in place, it is still very hard. Like you Theresa, I find weekends are the hardest, because I work during the week and that keeps my mind off things for long stretches of time. I have mixed feelings about being back at work. If feelings do rise to the surface while I'm at work, I really try and let them out if at all possible. Ive stuffed feelings in the past and had it turn out ugly. But sometimes I can't keep it in when I really need or want to, and that's where work gets tricky. Not only because I'm crying but also because I'm not thinking clearly. My work has been really understanding but I worry about making mistakes or not being able carry the load that is expected of me. 

Grief is a trip. Today I opened a small box that I've had sitting in my living room, that has things in it from Mom's night stand. My friend thought that I should bring the box home because it has some old checkbooks and things. Just seeing those things, the things that I saw frequently as I sat next to her the months before she died, instantly brings back that intense longing, like I'd do anything to see her and touch her and hug her again. I just cry and cry and tell her over and over that I miss her. I wish that I could feel her presence or know if she can hear me. I look at her things, so many things that I don't need, that I shouldn't keep, but right now I can't let go of much. I put one or two things in the donation box, but everything else was put back in the original box. So I know that I will have to do this again with this same box. Will it be easier next time? How many more times will I have to do it before I can let go of things? I feel like getting rid of her things is like discarding little pieces of who she was. I have so many more boxes in my garage and a ton of things in a storage unit. I guess I'm just not ready. 

Comment by Theresa on September 30, 2017 at 5:29pm

Bluebell, thats right they live for the moment.  I wish we could do that, my dog gives me joy, he is such a good boy, he is ten :(

I hope you are doing well, one day at a time,right.

Comment by BLUEBELL on September 30, 2017 at 1:01pm

"This is why it is so important to have a support system. We need people in our lives who can show us that today is a good place to be, too". 

I like what you have said Brett. Right now my happy little dog brightens up my day. His happiness shines in his eyes and in the wagging of his tail when we make eye contact. He lives in the moment and finds such joy in playing with his squeaky ball or chicken. I cannot help but smile when I watch him goof around.

I think we have a lot to learn from our little fur family.

Bluebell

Comment by Theresa on September 30, 2017 at 11:49am

Well said Brett
Thank you

Comment by Brett Bowman on September 30, 2017 at 9:42am

I think it is great to have a distraction. If there is a downside to that it is that our feelings have to be dealt with. I didn't work for a pretty long time after mom died. That was a mistake. I had way too much time to think.

I guess that too much of anything can be bad. I imagine that there have been people who tried to stay so busy after the loss of a loved one that they never allowed themselves time to grieve. Grief has to be experienced. It is the only way to get better.

I imagine that one day the weekends will not be as bad for you, that little by little they will get better. I have no idea how long it will take before it starts to turn around. I am sure that it is different for everyone. I also believe that we have to allow ourselves to be happy again. That is easier said than done. We have to live in the present but my heart is in the past. 

This is why it is so important to have a support system. We need people in our lives who can show us that today is a good place to be, too. That is what I am missing. 

Comment by Theresa on September 30, 2017 at 6:08am

I have been working so much that I am exhausted at night so I go right to sleep, I work as a buyer for an upscale jewelry store, and it gets super busy there.  It does occupy my mind for most of the day, I might feel anxious with my mind racing about my mom, but when I get to work I have no time to think about anything except work.

It could be good or not.

I hate the weekends in the winter, too much time to think.

Comment by Theresa on September 30, 2017 at 6:05am

Brett you are right I tried to wean off too early, the anxiety is back.

Ugh

I also have wonderful memories, some of going shopping some of going to the shore every year when I was a child, many more.

I wonder how long it will take to find happiness again, I know we are all different, but sometimes things are looking up and then it hits me.

I pray every day for that

Comment by Brett Bowman on September 29, 2017 at 11:04am

Theresa, I would not even attempt to wean myself off of medication just yet. I started medication last week. It will take a while before I know if it actually helps. If it does not, I will just try another medication until I find the right fit. If it works I will stay on it for the rest of my life if I have to. No one should have to live with the kind of anxiety that we have.

I do have some wonderful memories. More than I can count. That can be kind of a double edged sword though. Right now my life revolves around memories. I need to have a present as well. When my mom died I asked myself, "Can I be happy in this world without my mom?" So far the answer has been no, but I am not going to give up. There is always a chance that I will find happiness again. I know that my mom would want that for me. 

I know this much. We have to allow ourselves to be happy. I pray that each of us will, in time, little by little.

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• …
• 157
• 158
• 159
• 160
• 161
• …
• 542
• Next ›
• Page