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Comment by Brett Bowman on October 6, 2017 at 10:49pm

You guys are preaching to the choir. 

Comment by Joy on October 6, 2017 at 3:46pm

You're absolutely right Theresa. I don't think we can lose someone so dear to us and come out unscathed.  I was just saying yesterday how when my mom died, she took my heart with her. All that's left is this pain where my heart used to be.

Comment by Theresa on October 6, 2017 at 3:23pm

Joy I miss my mom everyday morning and night
I feel like a part of me has gone with her.
She was my everything

Comment by Joy on October 6, 2017 at 2:05pm

God, I miss my mother. I have a picture of her saved as the wallpaper on my phone because I have a need to see her face everyday.

Comment by Brett Bowman on October 5, 2017 at 5:43pm

Crystal, I wish that I knew you personally so that I could walk with you through this. I continue to be angry at odd things, like my mom was the first of her sisters to die. Her sister's kids still have their moms. That might be very selfish but it is how I feel. I avoided a lot of people after mom died. I didn't avoid the immediate family but some who had always asked me how mom was doing, and now might not know that she had passed.

When I think about having joy without my mom I get sick to my stomach. Not because I don't want to be happy but because it seems like fool's gold. I know that I can laugh and then cry five minutes later. I cannot imagine joy in my life without mom.

My mom struggled mightily to provide for four children without the help of our dad. I wish that she could have enjoyed her retirement to the fullest. Your mom may no have been able to enjoy the fruits of your labor but she got to see how hard of a worker that you are. I bet you that she was and is prouder of you than you know.

You weren't the best daughter? Well, who is? Mom's love us anyway.

Lastly, even if someone had told us, we still would have screwed up from time to time. There is no way to know what we know now without having experienced that loss. Words alone cannot teach that lesson.

You're not alone. I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry for mine, too. I so much wish that I could do it over again but I hold my mom in my heart. That was our last goodbye. We will be with them again. I wouldn't tell you that if I did not believe it. 

Comment by Crystal K on October 5, 2017 at 5:11pm

Its been three months now since my mom died. I'm slowly getting used to life without her, although its a much sadder, darker life.   Just wanted to share something with everyone going through this.. In the first few weeks after my mom's death, I felt guilty for not saving her or doing enough... Now I feel guilty about anything.  If I take her sisters out or if I smile, or laugh, or plan a trip. Basically I feel guilty for anything that brings me  joy because my mom isn't here to share it with me.  To understand where this is coming from, let me explain our relationship.  My mom sacrificed a lot for her children. We weren't rich, we struggled financially at times, so I worked very hard to take us away from that situation and give me mom a more comfortable life. That was my mission.  I got a good paying job recently, and now I'm able to afford things, take my family out, spoil myself- and I hate that my mom isn't here to enjoy it. It's gotten to the point where I avoid her  second husband and her sisters (my aunties) because when we're together, I just think about my mom and how she died before her time and why everyone else deserves to be here and she isn't.  It seems irrational as I'm writing this but I guess I'm just mad at the world! That my mom had sacrificed so much, I sacrificed so much, just to have my mom die before I'm even 30! 

I feel as if I'm not allowed to be happy because I didn't do my best to make her happy her last 3 years or I wasn't the best daughter.

I just wish someone told me this was how I would feel cause I would've done so many things differently!

Comment by Brett Bowman on October 2, 2017 at 1:52pm

Crystal, I can relate to everything that you wrote. A few weeks ago I was looking for a notepad. I found one. I opened it and remembered that my mom used to use that pad to leave me notes like, "Gone to the store. Be back soon." That killed me. There was once a time that she would "be back soon." That time has passed. Never again.

I also realized after mom died how she was the key to just about very piece of happiness and security that I had. I kind of had an idea when she was alive, but until they take that final breath, we just can't know.

My brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, would call  to check in on her. They don't call anymore. She was my tie to my family. I still live in her home. She still provides me with a roof to sleep under. My mom provided me with tremendous security. She was my sounding board. She was my best friend. She was my mom.

Like you, I wish that I could have more time with her just so I could tell her how thankful I am for everything that she did for me. I wish I could apologize and take back everything that I ever did wrong to her. I can't.

Crystal, it is very important that you realize that my story is not typical. Most people get past the death of their mom's a lot faster than I have. I don't want you to think that you will heal as slowly as I have. I don't even know that I have begun to heal.

Basically I'm saying, don't go by me. There is one thing that we have in common though. We have both lost our moms. Believe me. I feel your pain.

Comment by Crystal K on October 2, 2017 at 1:22pm

Brett I feel your pain.   Sometimes I dream that my mom is still alive and I'm so happy that she is just to wake up and find out it wasn't real.   Its been getting better or should I say more bearable. The first month I cried myself to sleep every night and every morning. Now I'm able to get through the day without thinking about her but once I hear a song that reminds me about her or see a popular spot of hers, the grief  hits me all too well again and before I know it, I'm sobbing in my car.   I never realized how much I relied on her for comfort and just that safety net.  Now I know all the things I was able to do was because she was on my side cheering me on.  I just wish I knew that earlier.   There's a lot I regret, feel like I wasn't the best daughter. Could've shown how much she meant to me better.

I haven't been able to throw out anything of hers, even a silly little piece of paper taped onto my wall that keeps track of all her appointments she needed annually.  Just cant bring myself to throw it away.  

Comment by Brett Bowman on October 2, 2017 at 10:57am

I have kept the contents of my moms wallet intact. Very hard for me to look in there. I see all of her store discount cards, credit cards, random numbers that she had written down, her health insurance card that I had seen her use so many times. That wallet was such a daily part of my mom's life. Now she doesn't need any of those things.

I cherish her eye glasses. One of my jobs was to make sure that she did not lose her eye glasses. I want to be buried with those glasses as a symbol that I always did what my mom needed me to do. I want them with me all the way till the end.

As Theresa pointed out, my mom was the focal point of my life. Not because of her illness. She had always been the focal point. I wanted it that way. It is only natural to gravitate towards the people who love you the most. My mom loved me the most by a longshot. I will never know that kind of unconditional love again. Even beyond all of that, my mom was my best friend. Who wants to lose their best friend? I could go on and on about all of the things that my mom was to me. I am reminded everyday of what I have lost. I run into situations each day where I need my mom, or simply want to tell her something, or share something with her.

Medication has helped but there is not a pill in the world that can replace my mom. The medication (maybe) makes it a little more bearable, but my mom is not coming back. Either I will find a way to be happy without her, or I will live the rest of my life feeling like a little boy who has lost his mother. 

Comment by Theresa on October 2, 2017 at 5:31am

I know the coffee cup sounds odd, but the girl that owns the small diner told me my mom would only drink out of the same ceramic cup and sit in the same seat everyday, who know what she was thinking!

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