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Comment by Brett Bowman on September 6, 2017 at 9:57am

Theresa, I'm sorry. It's true that your husband cannot know exactly what this is like, but to be honest, if you truly love someone you hurt when they hurt. Just seeing what you are going through should be enough to make your husband dig deep and try to understand, or at the very least, he should give you all of the compassion he can muster.

People can sometimes get caught up in the comfort of their own lives and not see/feel the pain that someone else is experiencing. That is not good. When we put out the SOS call, someone should answer. And for ourselves, we should be willing to go the extra mile to help someone else (Always). This is all over the bible. I don't remember verses very well but I remember their intent. Jesus said that if a friend knocks on your door late at night and asks for help, do not tell him to come back in the morning. Help him right away.

Jesus said that if someone asks you to walk a mile with him, walk with him two. Those words are meaningless if we do not put them into action.

Joy, I do ask God frequently. I have a lot of guilt to sort through. I can remember times when my mom was sick. Before it really hit home that my mom was going to die. Mom had advanced COPD. It was hard for her to gather the strength to even make it to the kitchen to get something to eat and drink. Mom had her favorite chair in her bedroom. She loved to watch television in the morning. I would freeze some orange juice and then I would put it on a tray that was beside her chair. I would also put out a breakfast bar. By the time my mom woke up in the morning the orange juice would have thawed out but still be cold. Mom thought this was a great idea. I did too at the time. I just wish that someone would tell me why I couldn't have gotten my tail out of bed and taken care of her properly? Do you know how much I would give to be able to dote on her now?

When mom went on Hospice it all became so much more real to me. Mom told her friends that if she so much as coughed that I would come running. It should not have taken that long for me to give mom everything that I had, and I mean everything.

Joy, I believe that God forgives me. My mom always forgave me. I just have to learn how to forgive myself, and to learn by my mistakes. Learning by my mistakes has not been hard. Forgiving myself has been impossible.

Geez I love my mom. She knew that. Everyone knew that. I sure knew it. I felt it with intensity every single day. But I could have done better.

Comment by Joy on September 6, 2017 at 6:31am

Oatmeal, have you asked God specifically what He would have you do? That would be a good starting point. Also, you might have said some awful things to you mom. I'm guilty of that too, but one thing I know is that God forgives you. That's the main thing. His forgiveness is essential. I believe your mom forgave you as well. She is not holding something you said at 15 against you. You can have peace of mind. God bless you.

Comment by Theresa on September 6, 2017 at 5:52am

Brett your mom forgave you right after you said it, that's what moms do.

I've said  some no so nice things to her and my impatience was not so good at times, but our actions let them know we love them.

Some days I am just really sad, I say to myself mom is fine she is at peace.

I try anyway.

I'm going to say something to this group, my spouse has no compassion, but please don't take this the wrong way his mom is still alive.

Comment by Brett Bowman on September 5, 2017 at 10:16pm

Joy, there is something. Something that the Lord wants from me. I haven't figured out what that something is yet. I have tremendous empathy and flat out love for people who need help. There is another saying, "Preach always. Sometimes use words." I am rudderless. I want the Lord to use me. I hope that he will show me the way.

I understand what you are saying about spending your time with God. I need to be closer to him. My mom was my rock for so long that I think I took my relationship with God for granted. I feel very guilty about that now.

I feel guilty about a lot of things. I want to share this with this group. When I was, I think 15, it was Christmas eve. We were driving home from my grandmas house. I was going through my smart ass stage. I got into an argument with my mom about something. I don't remember what it was. I can pretty much guarantee you that I was in the wrong. I became really mad at my mom. At some point I told my mom to, "Go to Hell." I told MY mom to go to Hell. And I said it to her on Christmas eve. I will never forgive myself for that. I had forgotten about it. I want to apologize to my mom so badly. I can't She's gone. I can't say those words to her now. I can say it to the sky. I can pray for forgiveness but I will never be able to tell my mom to her face that I am so sorry.

I want to find my place in this life but first I have to learn how to make peace with myself. I have a long way to go.

Your reminder of Peter's story is a constant part of my life. Peter denied Jesus three times. I can only imagine the guilt that he felt. It was misplaced. The Lord had forgiven him even before he had said those words. Later the Lord asked Peter if he loved him three times. He gave him the opportunity to ease his conscience and to know that he was forgiven. There is a lot to learn there. I'm trying.

Comment by Joy on September 5, 2017 at 11:35am

Hey Oatmeal, thanks for the well-wishes. I'm doing ok. I hope you are ok. I still read the posts periodically, but I want to use the time I have as a means to get closer to God because Mama is not coming back to me. I'm going to have to meet up with her in her new home. I'm not missing out on that.

Through my difficulties, I'm learning firsthand that God can use something as devastating as death and bring something good out of it. Mama's been gone almost 4 months. I thought this aloneness was the absolute worse thing that can happen to me, but I know God is using it and working and preparing me for something. I think he has some good things in store for you as well.

The time we chatted, I felt that you have a ministry that you are not currently aware of. I believe God will make it known to you, just keep your faith. In one of your earlier posts, I think you said you feel rudderless without your mom to depend on. I feel the same way. However, I know that God will allow this to make us reach out to Him. We're like babies learning how to walk for the first time. They never take their eyes off their parents who are rooting for them to walk.  I also think about the Apostle Peter when he saw Jesus walking on water, the Lord bid him to come and he did. As soon as he took his eyes off of Jesus, that is when he began to sink. Keep your eyes on the Lord no matter what and even though you might fall, He'll pick you up.

Comment by Theresa on September 5, 2017 at 5:42am

Brett, yes I feel that way too, its the anxiousness its awful.

You know what might help I practice Hatha yoga in a 110 degree studio, I started ten years ago, and after my mom died it really helped, because it quiets the mind. 

My anxiousness was like yours, I woke up in the middle of the night and in the morning with that horrible feeling, it was a vicious cycle which I did to myself.

SSRI's are not great for me, but my dr gave me a pediatric dose of the same one I took when my dad died, he keeps telling me the childs dose is not enough, but maybe it was psychologically, but it got me over the hump. Now I am done with it.

and my faith has also gotten me through, but like I said, I feel like I could spiral down if I let myself, but I am not going to.

 

Comment by BLUEBELL on September 4, 2017 at 11:33pm

God bless you too Brett.

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on September 4, 2017 at 10:52pm

I miss, Joy. I hope that she is doing well. God Bless you, Joy.

May God Bless All of You.

Comment by Brett Bowman on September 4, 2017 at 10:43pm

Thank you, Bluebell. There is just so much more that is going on in my life right now, and sometimes it is way too much. What brings me to tears is that my mom would have walked along side of me through all of this. That's not possible now. That just makes it hurt so much more. I miss her so much more.

I have just started to scratch the medical option. SSRI's do not work for me. Therapy has not worked. I was referred to someone new recently. I have an appointment with her on the 19th. Maybe she can help. I am not your typically depressed person. It's not really depression that I am dealing with. It's anxiety.

I pray a lot.  I want to share a quote with you. I don't know who initially wrote this. "It is our mistakes that lead us to God. We come to divine union not by doing it right but by doing it wrong."

I have made a lot of mistakes in life. Not the usual ones. I've never drank or used drugs. I have never even had a speeding ticket. I just feel a lot of guilt. I feel like I could have done more for my mom and I also could have taken better care of myself. Here is another quote: "We are not punished for our sins. We are punished by our sins." I don't think that I prepared myself well for this day. I let time slip away. We can't get time back. We have to learn how to move forward. I have not learned how to do that.

Comment by BLUEBELL on September 4, 2017 at 9:22pm

I am so sorry Brett. The sadness is bad enough, but to have anxiety and panic too seems like too much to bear. How are you getting through it? Have you thought of asking your Doctor for medication to soften your feelings to a more tolerable level?

Bluebell

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