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Comment by Theresa on August 9, 2017 at 6:17pm

Brett someone told me the second year is harder than the first, I found it to be true because the first year I walked around in a fog, the second year reality hit.

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 8, 2017 at 10:13am

I do not know how to not focus on it. A year and a half later and I am much worse than I was. That is scary.

Comment by Theresa on August 8, 2017 at 8:58am

Bluebell it is overwhelming, I try to not focus so much on it, because we have to continue on unfortunately.

 

Comment by BLUEBELL on August 8, 2017 at 8:51am

I agree. The anxiety is hard to deal with. I have to remind myself that it has a beginning and an end because when I am in it, it is overwhelming.

Bluebell

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 7, 2017 at 8:09pm

Theresa, maybe it I not possible, but what is very real is how much they loved us. It's only natural to want a sign or a connection from someone that you love so much? We just can't turn love off like a water faucet. I'm not sure that I would if I could. I may turn it off when I need some sleep or when the anxiousness is more than I can stand. It seems that I can tolerate depression better than I can anxiety. It actually makes me feel a little better to cry. I have not found a way to cope with the anxiety of my loss.

We lost our moms just days apart from each other.

Comment by Theresa on August 7, 2017 at 6:13pm

Brett you are right its not because she is busy its because it is not possible.

I lost my dad 17 years ago on December 14th/my mom will be 2 years on December 19/my grandmother many years on December 24th.  

December is tough, but I do remember my mom still managed to put up lights in memory of my dad and her mom, I did the same the past year and will do it again for her.

Brett mornings are horrible for me also I wake up extremely anxious, its awful.

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 7, 2017 at 10:39am

Bluebell, I felt every word that you typed. I don't know of any  good way to get through Christmas without our moms. My grief support class convinced me to set a place for her at the table on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I did. That about killed me. That was very bad advice for me. I did not put up any decorations. It would have killed me to look at those. I gave them all away after my mom died.

I remember one Christmas. I could not go back home because of my job. I worked for American Airlines and we don't shut down for the holidays. I was never able to go home for Christmas. One year my mom decided to not go home for Christmas. She wanted to stay with me so that I would have someone on Christmas eve and Christmas day. She took some heat for that. Our relatives wanted her to come home, especially my sister. Mom told them that she wanted me to have a good Christmas too. That Christmas eve I was still missing home. My mom said, "Brett, do you know how many people who would just be thrilled to get to be with their moms for Christmas?" Boy, do I ever know now.

The Christmas eve before my mom died, she could not go back home. She was too sick. After dinner she and I exchanged presents. Eventually I made my way to the den to watch TV. Mom just continued to sit in her chair at the dining room table. I realized that she was too weak to move. I asked her to let me help her. She told me that she was fine. I knew better. I asked her if I could call 911. That made her angry. She was tired of being probed and prodded at a cold impersonal hospital. I wanted to sit there wit her but she did not want me hovering over her. Eventually she gathered the strength to get up and go to bed.

I was certain that would be my last Christmas eve with my mom. I was wrong. There was one more. She died that day at 4:16 pm.

Mornings are the worst for me as well. I always wake up with a tremendous feeling of anxiety. I don't know what on earth I am dreaming about but it cannot be good. Last night, before bed, when I said my prayers, I told the Lord that I knew what was in store for me in a few hours. I asked him to please make that stop.

Joy is right. Our mothers would not want us to feel the way we do now. It would hurt them very much. My mom told me before she died that I she wanted me to have a happy life and let her go. I told her that those were fine words, and then I asked her if she could do that if I was the one to die first. She didn't answer.

Joy, I am like you. Each day I wash, rinse, and repeat. I always pray for better days. I want for you and Bluebell to be happy again. I want that for me, too. I just don't know how we get there, but I will tell you this. I would rather have known the love of my mom and feel the way I do now than to not have known her at all. What we are feeling is grief but it is also very much wrapped up in love. Our mom's love us dearly.

Comment by Joy on August 7, 2017 at 9:47am

Bluebell, you have to do what's best for you. If you don't feel like celebrating Christmas, I for one will not judge you. You've experienced a life shattering event. I don't feel like celebrating it myself. Although I know the true meaning of Christmas and my not putting up a tree/decorations or visiting with friends will not make Christmas that less meaningful.

I hope you can get to the point where you can enjoy life again. It will be very different because your mom is no longer there, but I believe our moms would not want us to wallow in pain forever. We have to have the courage to go on (even though right now we'd rather leave).

I agree it is drudgery just trying to live and like you mornings are the worst for me. Every morning, I feel this deep ache in my heart because I know mom is not in her room and I'm in the house alone and the worst anxiety comes over me. Then I'll have a good cry and the pain dissipates somewhat and then I go to work. It repeats itself every day, but I hope that some day I will wake up and the pain will have subsided. 

Comment by BLUEBELL on August 7, 2017 at 9:37am

I too dread the darkness that will come with the winter. Christmas without Mom as the focus will be especially hard. I do not know what I will do to get through that day. Do I ignore it? Am I supposed to celebrate it anyway even through my heart will not be in it? Do I reach out to friends and family or do I retreat into myself?I just do not know. 

I do not like the mornings. I miss the sound of my Mom's alarm at 6:30. She always got up at the same time. I miss our routine in the morning. I hate the deafening silence of this house without her in it. Yes, we did not have heart to heart talks; that was not her way, but I loved taking care of her. Even as a child I felt a need to take care of her. It is hard to go on living knowing I am alone and without a purpose in life. I just do not have the strength and courage yet to search for other ways to have a meaningful life. Many mornings I wish I would just cease to be so that I did not have to struggle to pick myself up and go on. But I go on, putting one foot in front of the other, hoping that life will be precious to me again instead of the burden it is now.

Bluebell

Comment by Joy on August 7, 2017 at 9:36am

Oatmeal, this summer is particularly hard for me as my mom died on May 17 this year, just a few days after Mother's Day and it has not been a pleasant summer because of her death. I don't really enjoy the sunshine and flowers. Maybe I will again some day. My mom was very big into gardening and she made our house so lively with plants and flowers of different colors. It's pretty dead now because I haven't been in the garden nor have I planted many flowers except one to remind me of her. 

I'm glad you recovered from your accident and that your dog came out unscathed.

As for visiting my mom's gravesite, I have to do it. When my dad died, I didn't even think about visiting a cemetery and I had no desire to do so after his funeral and burial. For some odd reason, while I know she's not there just her remains, I still am comforted to visit her gravesite and talk to her and my dad while I'm there.

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