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Comment by Brett Bowman on August 7, 2017 at 9:24am

Joy, oddly enough I have more trouble with summer. I may have told you this before. Years ago I was in a car accident. That wouldn't have been so bad but I wasn't driving a car. Just me and my little dog out for a walk. I was hit from behind, knocked 68 feet, and landed in the street. Thank God I let go of  the leash when I was hit. My little dog was safe and ran home. That was in August.

The day that I came home from the hospital our air conditioning went out. The AC repair people couldn't come for a couple of days. Mom immediately had a window unit delivered. We put it in her room so that we both could have air conditioning. My mom made me sleep in her bed while she slept on the floor! I was too beaten up to argue with her. Mom used up several weeks of sick leave to care for me.

I can't help but remember that now. Of course, winter is no picnic either. Mom died on Christmas Eve.

Like you, my parents were divorced. I didn't have fond memories of my dad. I was strangely unaffected when he died. I didn't dodge a bullet though. When mom died I believe that I grieved twice as hard. A single mom who had taken care of and sent four kids through college. It still amazes me all that she was willing to sacrifice for us out of love.

I still have not visited her grave. I can't. It would be too much. Before my mom died she reserved the spot next to her for me in the family plot at our church. There is no place that I would rather rest.

Comment by Joy on August 7, 2017 at 9:00am

Theresa, I'm with you. I dread winter because here where I live we have such long winters, and there are so many gray and dreary days. I will especially hate it this year because of the holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas without my mom.

When you lose that last surviving parent, It's really tough. My day died 15 years ago and I grieved for him, but not as much as my mom because she and I were closer. But now that she's gone too, I find that old grief that I thought was healed with my dad has come back. So now here I am grieving both my parents.

They were divorced but buried in the same cemetery so when I go to visit my mom's grave, I can visit my dad's too.

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 7, 2017 at 8:34am

Theresa, I always offer up that prayer as well. Nothing yet. I don't think that my mom is too busy. I just don't know if it's possible. I guess anything is possible for God if he wills it to be so. If I can't see her here, like you, I pray that she knows how much I love and miss her. She certainly knew in life that this would be hard for me. But is the absoluteness of death that is so earth shattering. When my mom would go on a business trip I always knew that she would be coming home. Even when she was very sick in the hospital I always asked about a release date. There is no release date for death. That is what rocks me to the core. Sometimes I will be just about to fall asleep and I will remember that. My eyes pop open and I will just feel so much anxiousness and sadness. To me it is all unbearable. Ever since mom passed away I have prayed that the Lord will take me home, too. I don't feel guilty about that nor do I think it is unnatural to feel that way. Sometimes love can be so overpowering that you just want to be with that person even in death. Especially if you believe that means being in heaven with that person. Now, my guilt comes from my unwillingness to bear my cross. Millions of people have lost their mom, grieved mightily, and soldiered on. I have yet to convince myself that I can. Nor do I know if I want to. It hurts too much.

Your situation is especially heartbreaking to me. I know that the circumstances of your mom's death are haunting. I can only imagine and I have tried to imagine.

Obviously I cannot tell you words that will make you feel better. I would feel like a hypocrite if I pretended to have some kind of sage advice. I have not even been able to help myself a little bit. In fact, my grief has grown incredibly since mom's passing. It is so much worse now than it was.

But believe me when I tell you that you do not have to go through this alone. I have never met you but I am walking with you through this. If you ever need help or if you ever need a friend, call me and I will listen.

My heart is with you today. My heart is spread all over. Half of it is in heaven, but a lot of it is still here as well. I know this because of the pain that I feel. You are not alone my sister.

Our moms may not be able to comfort us in death, but we will always know how much they loved us in life.

Comment by Theresa on August 7, 2017 at 7:55am

I just wanted to say hi to everyone, see how you are.

Same for me, I am getting sad because summer is almost over here, and in December it will be two years for my mom.

I miss her so everyday, I hope she know that.

I pray everynight for her to come to me, but nothing, maybe she is too busy.  No dreams, nothing.  Sometimes I wish she would come and tell me she saw me standing at the foot of the bed in the ER, as strange as this sounds, when I got to her side after her heart stopped, I can say her eyes were looking toward me, they were not shut, very calm.

Very peaceful look.

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 2, 2017 at 10:33pm

Janie, I initially wrote a very long response to your comment that I deleted. I found my self venting too much and you thanked people for the encouraging parts of their lives. I just want to say this... while not comparable to losing your mom, the death of Toby and that little parakeet must have hurt a great deal. That is a lot of death for one person to bear. Our moms deaths were more than enough.

I do understand a lot of what you are going through, and believe me, when you are crying, I am probably somewhere crying, too, for my mom.

Take courage in knowing that you are not alone. I wish that I could make things better for you and everyone here, including myself. I can't. I'm sorry for that. But you are in my heart, buddy.

Comment by Janie m Snitko on August 2, 2017 at 8:56pm

Thank you everybody for your encouraging parts of your life. It gives me courage knowing that there are other people feeling the same things that I am.

Comment by Janie m Snitko on August 2, 2017 at 8:46pm

Ironically two days after my mom came home from the hospital her beloved Schnauzer Toby passed away . He was only 14. I let him out in his fenced yard and he came back in and drank alot off water. My Mom watched him and said let us see how he does. A few hours later he crawled under Mom's bed and passed away. My daughter said to me GMA will be gone in three weeks and she was. Then we gave her parakeet Petey to her great granddaughter, she was cleaning his cage the next day he got out flew around then hit the floor and he was also gone. This has been a whirlwind of a ride. We all think Mom wanted her beloved friends with her. It is still unimaginable to me that I cannot call my best friend my mom and tell her what is going on in my life. I love you Mama more then words can ever say.

Comment by Brett Bowman on August 1, 2017 at 9:53am

Bluebell, the timing of this is eerie. Two weeks ago I came home from work. One of my mom's two little dogs was very sick. She greeted me at the door but I could not get her to eat. She just laid on the floor. I tried to take her outside for walk but she could not make it down the stairs. As much as I love these little dogs, and I love them with all of my heart, this was about more than one little dog (Krissy).

All of the time that I was mom's caretaker these little girls were my best friends. They loved me and they loved my mom. I never got lonely when I couldn't leave the house (when mom was on hospice). They wouldn't allow for that. Since mom's death they have been everything to me. One of the last things my mom asked me to promise her is that I would take good care of them. These dogs are a great big piece of my mom.

I took Krissy to the vet. I got there right before the office closed. They told me that Krissy would die if I did not get her to the animal hospital. She was there for a week in ICU. Losing Krissy so soon after my mom would have destroyed me, or at least it would have been another brick in the wall. That dog... I went to see her after she had settled in ICU. She tried to get up when she saw me. He little tail was wagging. She licked me before I left and tried to get up again. I broke down telling the vet and her assistant why Krissy means so much to me. I came home and her sister was very upset. She was whimpering and looking for her sister. It killed me to go to bed without Krissy, especially not knowing if she would make it or not. I went to visit her once. She was so happy to see me but when I started to leave she trembled horribly. I spent the week hugging her dog blanket. The vet and I decided that it was best that I not visit again until Krissy could come home.

She is back home now and seems to be fine. I had to take her to the vets for a follow-up on Friday. They needed her for the whole day. Krissy started trembling again as I started to leave.

My dogs, your mom's cat, they are such a part of our moms. They are a connection that we still have to them. And we know that (like our moms) that one day we will have to say goodbye. I know how much it hurts.

It's easy for others to say that you will get through this. I think a lot depends on your own personal situation. Everyone's life is different from the next persons. Their experience was not your experience. Just remember how much your mom loves you. Still loves you. Please try to let that be your rock. That's all I have to fall back on. That and two little dogs. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I can't see it yet, but I will always pray it's there. All I can do to help is to tell you that you are in my heart. I will be thinking of you today. You are not alone. 

Comment by BLUEBELL on August 1, 2017 at 9:00am

Yesterday my Mom's cat was very sick and I was devastated. I was sure he was dying and there was nothing I could do about it. I can not described the intensity of the sense of loss I felt. I had to call a dear friend to help me take him to the vets because I was paralyzed by my grief. I know it was not all about the cat. It opened up the wounds of Mom's death. I just felt like I could not go through losing something else that was very dear to me and that I loved. Sometimes I just do not know how I am going to get through this. I am told it is going to get better, but it sure does not feel like it right now.

Bluebell

Comment by Joy on July 31, 2017 at 10:56pm

Thanks for the nice words Brett.

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