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Comment by Brett Bowman on July 28, 2017 at 9:35pm

Theresa, I know this much. Your mother loved you. My mom loved me. What you just described would be a horrible thing to live through. I can't imagine. What I can imagine though is living without your mom. Never being able to hear her voice again. There are so many things that I want to tell my mom. I can't

I was very, incredibly blessed to be with mom until the end, but I tell you what, there is some torture that comes with that, too. The night before my mom came home for Hospice care, I went to visit her in the hospital. I walked into the room and she was motionless. I thought she was sleeping. I didn't want to wake her. I just held on to her hand. She said, "Brett, is that you?" I told her that it was. She said, "Will you let me die now?" I told her that I would if I had to. She asked me to say the, "Lay Me Down to Sleep Prayer" with her. Her intention was that she would be dead after the prayer was over. My mom asked me to pray her dead. When she didn't die after the prayer she told me that she could not let go as long as I was with her. She asked me to wait outside while she died. I sat out in the hallway and waited for my mom to die. Thank God it didn't happen.

When the doctor decided it was time to tell my mom that she was dying, I remember the clinical way that he was talking to her. I asked him to leave the room and let me talk to her. I had to say the words, "Mom, you are going to die." My mom wasn't even sure what Hospice was. She still thought that she might get better once she came home.

There was a time when I had give her morphine. She slept for a long time. When she woke up she asked me who I was. My mom asked me who I was.

No matter what are experience was, the road to death always ends in the same way. Your loved one dies. Think about your experience. You were trying to help your mom. You were making quick decisions. You didn't get there in time but you rushed to be by her side.

A few days before my mom died she called one of my brothers. She asked him when he would be coming home for Christmas. He told her that he would not be coming home. He and his roommate rotated Christmases. It was my brothers year to baby sit the dogs while his roommate went home. My brother knew that this was my mom's last Christmas and he told her that he was going to stay with his dogs instead of coming home to be with her. Mom was on speaker phone. I heard every word. The look of betrayal on my moms face was stunning and heart wrenching. That kid has something to feel sorry about. 

Lord knows you tried to be there for your mom. I would say take solace in that but I don't know how much solace there can be after the death of your mom. It's horrible. Even if you had been the doctor who was there with your mom trying to save her life, you would still have to feel the incredible grief.

There comes a time when, no matter what we did in those last minutes, no matter where we were, we lose them. And we can't go were they have gone. Whenever I would go on a trip my mom would ask me to call her when I got there so that she would know that I was safe. Our moms can't call us and tell us that they are safe now. I am sure they are but I would still love to hear it.

That's the kicker. There is no real way to find closure. One thing I have learned about grief is this. It Is. Period.

I know you are hurting. It's gut wrenching. Sometimes I cry and howl like an animal. If someone were to ask me what gets me through the night, I would tell them that I have no idea. I don't. Sometimes I feel better when I pray and talk to God about it, but as soon as I say "Amen" the feelings come back.

Just remember... you are not alone. I hear you. I feel you. Love hard. Cry hard. I'll be here crying too. You are not alone. I promise.

Comment by Theresa on July 28, 2017 at 8:30pm

Bret at least you got to be there with your mother when she passed away I didn't
My mother complained of her stomach bothering her on Thursday, December 17, 2015 she went to the doctor Friday he sent her for an x-ray told her she was constipated to go home and take laxatives she did that nothing happened. That was Friday Saturday morning she called me at 7:40 AM and said her stomach was bothering her she called the doctor he told her to go to the hospital so I said mom can you wait for me I will take you she said OK and then I called her back and I said what did he say to do she said he said go in the ambulance so she got up made her bed waited outside at the curb for the ambulance that was my mom she is very independent stubborn So I left immediately I live about half an hour from the hospital on the way I stopped at her house I figured well let me make sure everything's OK it's going to take them time to get her registered so I left her house I was pulling in the parking lot of the hospital I got a phone call from an unknown number it was a woman she asked me if I was her daughter and she proceeded to tell me that my mother was in full cardiac arrest she asked me did I want them to intubate her and do CPR I said yes of course I do I got to the hospital r some lady brought me in a room that I couldn't get by finally I ran by her got to where my mother was I watched them doing CPR on my mom's lifeless body I was in a haze I couldn't move the doctor was asking me questions I don't even remember the only one I do remember him asking me is does your mother have an aneurysm and I said yes she has an aortic aneurysm him and he said do you want me to continue doing this to her and I said is she breathing and he said no and I could tell by looking at my mother that she had died so they stopped everything and for some reason I felt like my moms eyes were looking towards me I'll never forget that but what I really won't forget is that I did not make it to the hospital to be with my mom and I had no idea that this was going to happen. There was one nice nurse that said to me I was talking to your mom and I turned around and her eyes rolled back she told me it was very peaceful. I pray to God every day to give me strength to get me through this. Her doctor says it was her blood pressure that made her going to cardiac arrest I think it was something else we did not do an autopsy my brother did not want to do one my brother is 17 years older than I am and I wish I could think like him he said it was mom's time I understand we all have a time but I should've been there. It's really hard when someone is not sick and suffering and they die it's like a blink of an eye I was just talking to her on the phone a half an hour ago and now I'll never talk to her again. I will have to live with this the rest of my life knowing I wasn't there by her side or because I stopped at her house on the way to the hospital. :(

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 28, 2017 at 7:14pm

Theresa, my mom was 81, but there is never a good age. You are never ready to say goodbye. Mom had been battling cancer for many years. There were so many time over the years when I thought that I would lose her. Death just hovered over her head. I would love to tell you about my mom. Thing is that it would take several pages. I guess for my purposes the best thing that I can tell you is that I was her caretaker. I was by my mom's side until she took her last breath. She died with her eyes open, looking at me. She took half of me with her. The best half. It's been over a year and a half now and I hurt more now than I did before, if that is possible. She was a single mom. She raised four of us without the help of my father. I was joined to her at the hip from an early age. I lived with her the last four years of her life. As close as we were before I became her caretaker, it intensified greatly after. When I lost my mom I also lost my best friend, my companion, and even my child in a great sense. I lost it all in a split second. Now I am just left with memories. You can't hug a memory.

Grief was a new experience for me, at least on this level. I took some comfort knowing that I would never have to experience the loss of my mom again. I was wrong. I experience it every single day.

I understand why you want someone to talk to. When I first lost mom my friends and family were all around me, but that doesn't last. Eventually everyone goes back to their normal life and you are left to grieve. After a while people get tired of talking to you about it. I know that in my case I don't even like to bring it up anymore around friends. Sometimes people think the answer to your problems is a therapist. well, let me tell you something, they can only help so much. The kind of love that we have for our moms is not irrational. The grief won't just go away by keeping a journal or by joining a gym, going on long walks. If it were that simple it wouldn't really have been love. This isn't like getting over a girlfriend or a boyfriend. We were created in our mothers womb. We are literally a part of them. You can't lose that and ever be the same. I don't even know how many times I have cried today. If time heals all wounds you wouldn't know by me.

That's why it is important to talk. No one here can take away the pain, but you are not alone. It rained here today as well. When mom was on Hospice she loved to watch the rain. Her hospital bed was in our sunroom. The rain made me cry too. Everything makes me cry. My mom's favorite show was, "Everybody Loves Raymond." We watched it together every night. I still do. How can I watch it and not remember?

I want to go home. Home is with my mom. People here that and they get the wrong idea. I would never hurt myself. It just means that I look forward to the day when I am with mom again, and that I never again have to say goodbye.

I had a dream recently that I was walking on a highway. I was seeing road signs for all of these far away cities. I didn't know how to get home. I thought to myself, "I'll call home. Mom will get me back home." That dream is my reality now. 

All of us here are lost on that same highway. It's always better to travel in a pack though. You are not alone. I will walk with you.

I would love to hear about your mom. I will say hello to your mom when  I say my prayers tonight. I will tell her that you love and miss her. Please do the same for me. My mother's name was Martha. Just "Mama" to me. I regressed over the years. When I was little I called her mom. At the end I called her mama, that was because I had truly become her little boy again. I still am. I always will be.

ow.

Comment by Theresa on July 28, 2017 at 5:57pm

Brett,  your words mean the world to me

May I ask how old your mom was and was she ill?

I'll tell  you about my mom if  you want to know.

 

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 28, 2017 at 3:39pm

Lindsay, I lost my mom on Christmas Eve. I wanted to clean out her things quickly. It's like being caught between a rock and a hard place. Those things are so hard to see that it can be torturous. Yet, throwing them out seems to be like throwing away your mom. So many things that may not have held much value to you before suddenly become treasures that cannot be replaced. My moms hospital socks, every t-shirt. I would remember times when she wore them. Cleaning out her bathroom. All of the hair supplies, knowing that she would never do her hair again. Her hairbrush. There were still strand of hair in bristles.

Her medicin cabinet. All of the medicine that had helped to keep her alive. Seeing her name on the bottle, even the aspirin that she would give me if I ever had a headache. The lotion that she used. Just that smell. it was like mom was still there in the room with me. So many things that had been collected over the years. Things that I had forgotten about. Things that took me right back to my childhood.

These are all things that have to be done. As hard as it was to remove those things, I think it would have been harder still to have someone do it for me. For all of those things to just disappear.

I still find things. I thought I had gotten everything. Just a few days ago I got a note pad out of the utility drawer in the kitchen. I opened it. I had forgotten that mom used that note pad to leave me little notes like, "Going to the store. Be back soon."

Worst of all, the last present my mom had given me was a Mr Coffee tea maker. She had given it to me the Christmas eve before she died. She was proud of it. She thought it was a clever idea because I love iced tea. Last week it shorted out and I had to throw it away. I took it to the garbage but held it like a baby before I could let it go.

I know what my mom would say. "None of those things matted to me. You were what mattered to me." I know that but it still hurts greatly.

I could go on and on about all of the things that I found and continue to find. What else goes on and on is the love that I have for her. That can never be thrown away.

My thoughts and prayers are with each of you. I didn't know your moms. You didn't know mine. I guess that doesn't matter though. We all know the feeling.

Comment by Panda on July 28, 2017 at 3:08pm

Lindsay

I am so sorry for you. Mine died on mother's day and it's so so hard. She was my everything and the only person I ever loved and even had. I know the pain. I'm always here if you wanna talk

Comment by Lindsay on July 28, 2017 at 2:05pm

Hi all, I must admit I've gotten notifications of your comments on here and I've not read them in some time. I just passed the one year mark and I'll tell you, it still SUCKS. I felt like maybe I'd be more sad, if possible, to let myself THINK any more about this than I already do. But I have to admit, it's great to have something to turn to when the time is right. I quit my job of 10 years in order to focus on clearing out my dear Mom's home across the street. It is something I absolutely couldn't do on top of work. My daughter is/was very attached to her Grammy and I needed the time to myself to focus while she is at school/camp. The very first day I went in (I've been in multiple times to spend the night with my daughter and water plants etc) to start the process was HORRIBLE. I sobbed and begged for it not to be true. I miss her every second of every single day. I'd do anything to change it. To throw away her things or donate is just heart wrenching. I wish I could keep it all. Keep the house as it stands. I still haven't moved her slippers. To all of you out there, my heart is with you. It's just the most awful thing. She was my very best friend and I feel that loss all the time. Prayers and thoughts to all of you missing your dear Mothers. 

Comment by Brett Bowman on July 28, 2017 at 12:42pm

Theresa, I am new to the board but I am not new to having similar feelings that you have. Everyone's relationship with their mom is unique to itself. I wouldn't no how to compare my relationship with my mom to yours. I tell you though. We certainly have one thing in common. Love. We loved our moms as much as we could possibly love another person. And we are sad. I call myself, "broken." I cry every single day. I don't just cry. I sob. I bawl. I pray. I lay down on the floor and moan. And you are right. There comes a time when many people just don't want to discuss it with you anymore. I have heard things like, "Why don't you go see a therapist?" Well, I did. I was hoping that there was something that he could prescribe for me that would help me with the grief. He told me honestly that no pill could do that. It is what it is. The greatest love can cause the most pain.

I don't know you. I have never met you or any of the other folks here online, but I wish that I could hug the snot out of each of you. I wish that we could all sit down and talk about our moms and how much we miss them. Maybe I can't do that, but I can listen if you ever want to talk to me. My mom, your mom, it all bleeds into one. We love greatly. I feel you buddy. Cry if you have to. I know I will. But know that you are not alone in your grief. Our grief and our tears keep love alive. They keep our mom's alive in our hearts. I'm with you.

Comment by Panda on July 28, 2017 at 11:29am

Theresa

I know how you feel and I'll always be here to listen :/ I know how much it hurts

Comment by BLUEBELL on July 28, 2017 at 10:15am

Theresa

I will always listen. I understand what you are going through. I miss my Mom too. 

This morning I dreamed about several people whom I have loved and lost. What I really wanted was a dream in which I felt close to my Mom and felt safe and secure. 

Bluebell

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