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Comment by Dolly on June 19, 2017 at 6:47am

we've nearly stopped 'celebrating' anything except those things that are important to our son Bo.. Christmas, Thanksgiving and his birthday.. its easy really because nobody else remembers us on any other holidays except my oldest son and we only see him on Thanksgiving .. he calls on other holidays usually but we're too far away for family 'celebrations' on them.. it just hurts too much .. we just sort of treat them like any other day.. but this father's day I did send my husband a post on eBay to remind him of our kids... and how wonderful he's always been to them all.. and we spent the day just watching old seasons of a show he likes.. House of Cards [much too close to reality for me.. but he likes it]..and playing music... but my music is not working for me lately even... we don't do gifts much at all except for my son Bo and grandkids... and even those are always a struggle to think about and find ... because it makes us think.. I wish I could feel the joy again.. maybe someday.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on June 18, 2017 at 11:04pm

Comment by Jesse's Mom on June 18, 2017 at 10:55pm

David, I am sorry for the loss of your Carli. It is a hard day to get through. 

This is a good group of people here. I come sometimes to read and hear my own words in some of the posts. Knowing there are others who know how bereavement truly is. 

Teresa, your post from June 12 -- it is the same for me here. Many people, even those who truly care for us, just don't understand child bereavement and the continued impact it has on our daily life. 

Comment by David Blanco on June 18, 2017 at 10:27pm

My 1st Father's Day with out my Carli. It was a hard day but my wife and daughter made it special. I got a card and gift from Katie and Carli - with my wife's help. It made smile and made me cry for my Baby. How I miss my Carli.

Comment by Dolly on June 15, 2017 at 2:45pm

Krystal she wasn't there... that's exactly how I felt about Brandon... his body was there but he was gone and I knew it.. could feel it in every bit of my mind and body... but soon things began to happen all by themselves that let me know he was gone but still alive... I think that horrible doctor needs his license revoked... what a quack ... you don't mess with meds that are working.. sounds like he liked to play God with people... I'm so sorry you are having to live with this pain...we lost our son 4 years ago in May from a cardiac event whatever that means... to us it meant here one minute and gone the next... life is impossible to understand and so crushing at times... but coming here and venting and listening to others has helped me not feel alone .. hopefully we can help you feel not so alone too..

Comment by Patty on June 15, 2017 at 1:43pm

Krystal, I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my 20 year old daughter due to a drunk driver.  Binah's story is so tragic.  I know there are no words that can comfort you.  All of the people here understand this unbearable pain.  It is like no other pain.  Let us know how you are doing.  My prayers are with you.

Comment by Krystal Potter on June 15, 2017 at 12:02pm

My shrink wanted me to post here. Man I'm vision impaired. I can't see this writing. Why is it so small n light ? If I screw up, try to extrapolate.
My daughter Binah died about 2.5 years ago. She was 23. It was suicide. It's a very long story. In a nutshell, she had MS, minor autism, minor scizophrenia, bi polar. She had recently been in a car accident and fractured her neck. For years she had no medical due to no insurance. Obamacare came in and finally she was covered. She had been using street drugs before that to deal with her pain and mental problems. She was finally diagnosed and on the right medication. She was doing so well. Planning her life. Able to think and more mobile. She was a beautiful caring girl. Would help anyone in need. They transferred her to a new shrink and doctor. Well...NP. The shrink took her off of the medication she was doing so well on and gave her....abilify which doesn't cover any of her issues. He changed her meds 3 times in two weeks. She spiraled down quickly. At the same time, the NP went on vacation and she had no ultram or neurontin for the pain from her neck and the MS and arthritis. When the NP got back, binah had taken to street drugs again to try n manage things. The np refused to prescribe her non narcotic meds back or help her through withdrawal from the lack of her psych med and street drugs. The NP told her she was worthless and a burden to her family and needed to get a job. She came home sobbing. I told her we would find her new doctors. I tried to console her as much as I could. I thought I had her calmed down. She said " mom, I'm tired of trying." We were one day away from getting her SSI. I really thought she was calmed down. I really thought we could fix things and had her convinced. But that night, she killed herself with an overdose of heroin. I went to wake her up the next day, but she wasn't in her room. I looked and looked but couldn't see her. I felt no presence in the room. Then my eyes slowly focused on the new sweater I had bought her a couple of days previously. She had been sitting on the floor upright...not 3 ft in front of me. But she wasn't there. I couldn't feel her. I yelled her name. I screamed her name. I screamed for my friend kandace who was downstairs. She came running up. I couldn't look at her. Binah was not there. I knew she wasn't and the thing on the floor was just a thing. I kept thinking if I had just screamed loud enough she would have woken up.

Comment by Dolly on June 15, 2017 at 6:35am

I'm glad Patty.. sometimes I say something and then people think I'm saying something I don't think I'm saying but they interpret it that way. I guess I don't say things clearly. I don't know how God decides what He decides... so much doesn't make sense to me that God allows... but all I know is my only chance to be with my Brandon and my granddaughters again is if there is a God and a Heaven and I manage to go there too... whether I'll make it I can't know I don't think but I just sure want to try... that's all i was saying.. and I was worried about David a little... I know he's so devastated right now..

Comment by Patty on June 14, 2017 at 5:52pm

Dolly, and I did not think that you were saying that.  Definitely, only God knows the heart.  And I agree that I can't take the chance if I can manage it.  The only thing I want is to be with my daughter again and I can't chance it.  

Comment by Dolly on June 14, 2017 at 5:14pm

Patty I agree.. about suicide not keeping anyone from heaven... because God sees the heart and knows the pain... and who knows what a person says or thinks in those last moments... but I don't want to take any chances at all if I can manage it... with my own life.. I didn't mean to say I thought suicides would automatically condemn anyone.. I don't ...

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