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Comment by Patty on June 14, 2017 at 11:46am

Dolly, I have the same thoughts on suicide.  It has never seemed selfish to me.  People who commit suicide are deeply depressed and feel hopeless.  I also can't risk not being with Caitlin in the next life.  I don't think suicide would affect that but I can't be sure.  We can't know exactly how that works. 

Comment by Lynn Williams on June 14, 2017 at 9:12am

I too am having a horribly emotional time. July is Kyra's birthday and on August 17th it will be 4 years since she died. She was such a love and my rock. After 2 years of intense grief and anxiety it became easier. About two weeks ago I started to get the intense anxiety back again and I couldn't get back a sense of equilibrium back. There is so much anger and sadness still inside me but it is so hard for me to let out those feelings out. I finally held her picture and was able to let myself cry and scream again. My doctor upped my zoloft and I am slowly coming back. I see now if I unconsciously stuff in those feelings what happens. I am seeing we will always circle back to those early days of loss, years later and for our health we must deal with those feelings love to everyone here. Lynn

Comment by Dolly on June 14, 2017 at 5:44am

I don't think I would ever be able to kill myself, although at times I have felt like I wanted to.. my dad was voluntarily euthanized against my wishes and it was so horrible.. he didn't need to be...they convinced him it was best but it wasn't... but I couldn't stop it.. I used to have to do crisis intervention and for me the most frightening part of it was dealing with suicides that survived and how to know what to do for them once they were ready to leave the hospital.. I would talk and talk to them trying to figure out what I could say to make them come back from that agony they were in... sometimes it seemed all they really needed was someone who really wanted them to live... and who cared about them no matter what.. and who could help them see they really were wanted and needed ...even if those they loved didn't care.. there would always be someone they could help that would need them and love them for it... and often this seemed to give them hope and a new outlook.. but sometimes they were so lost in pain it seemed impossible to penetrate and they usually ended up in facilities for the mentally ill.. and I never saw them again... I want to be with my Brandon again one day in heaven.  I believe in God and heaven and don't want to do anything to risk losing that ...I think that's what keeps me wanting to live well here.. live kindly and stand for truth and justice and live to serve others and most especially serve God.. so when I do die I will be able to be with my loved ones who have passed on... I don't want to take any chances that what I do in this life could prevent that... I know this is a selfish reason to keep living... but it probably has saved me from thoughts of suicide... especially at first after Brandon died... I have a different take on suicide than many people.. it always makes me angry to hear someone say its selfish... most people I talked to were SO deep in despair ... so self hating... so hopeless... not selfish.. just broken... but I don't think its an answer either... because then there's no more time to find out why they are still here... and what it is that God has for them here... and what it is they would miss by leaving this world too soon... I never felt adequate to help people who were so defeated by life... except to love them and listen to them... and try to help them find some purpose .. something that let them know they weren't worthless and unneeded... some had nobody... many had nobody who cared ... but there is always something we can do that brings joy to someone else and if we aren't here to do it who will?

Comment by Teresa D. on June 13, 2017 at 10:23pm

I have a daughter and while I totally get the feeling of not being able to live without my son, I would never want her to feel as though she was loved any less by leaving her.

Comment by Patty on June 12, 2017 at 11:22am

I find weekends are the worst because that was when we had the most family time with our daughter.  It's also when I see families together the most.  I'm sure others feel the same as I do in that no matter where I go I feel like I don't belong.  I can honestly say I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore.  My whole reason for being is gone.

Comment by David Blanco on June 12, 2017 at 9:31am

Thank you for responding. It was a difficult weekend. My wife and I went to a graduation party at a neighbor's house. There was a woman there we knew but haven't seen for some time. Her 16 year old son took his own life about a year age, and 6 months ago her husband did the same. She sat and talked to us. She is under doctor's care for thoughts of suicide and severe depression. This unfortunate woman has been through more pain than a human should have to suffer. She lost her youngest child which was terrible, but then she lost her most important support, her husband. She has lost family who blame her, and her two older children live in constant worry about her. She stared in space like a statue and seemed lost some where in her mind. She could not reach out to us sooner because of her pain swelling up from our tragedy. We have deciced to try to help each other through our pain. She is worried about me being extremely depressed and does not want my wife to suffer her same fate. Talking to her was helpful for me. I could actually see the pain I would cause if I did something to hurt myself. I wish I could go back in time to save all our children no matter how they passed away from us, but I can't. I will grieve for my Carli everyday, but I will try to honor her memory by helping other troubled teens, their parents, and promote the desire to learn science that my Carli loved so much. I miss you my Sweet Carli...

Comment by Teresa D. on June 12, 2017 at 7:28am

Sometimes the room falls silent.  I'm 41/2 years in David and I still don't know what to say to someone else.  I can only say what others have told me.  "You'll learn to manage it" and "You'll learn to wear the fake face." 

We have, or at least, been damaged to our core.  Everyday I cry for my son and it feels normal to me.  I don't cry that gut wrenching cry everyday like I did for the first 3 years but I still cry daily. 

People around me don't get the new emotional me.  They don't get why some events are so hard for me.  They don't get I WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY MICHAEL! 

I wish I could tell you time will heal your wound but that would be a lie.  But the good news is just like me you will start to learn to live with it.

Right now you need to just grieve, it's so raw for you.  I am so sorry you lost your Carli.  I hate seeing new parents just us.  There's so many of us yet we are a group that suffers in silence.

I might be babbling sometimes that what I do.  It's been a hard road.  Adjusting to the new life I was handed.  Missing my Michael greater than I ever imagines possible.  Losing friends because they wanted to decided how this should go for me and got mad when I didn't follow their plan. 

I like to believe through prayer I still have a relationship with my Michael.  You do have Katie so like me you still have to give what you got to that kid that is still there.  It's hard but we have to do it. 

I wish I had answers

Comment by David Blanco on June 11, 2017 at 9:26pm

Doesn't seem to be much discussion here. It's been days since any one has posted. I guess It is hard to discuss things even here.

Comment by David Blanco on June 5, 2017 at 5:41am

Yesterday was two months since I lost my Carli. It has been so difficult. Many times I find Life meaningless. Other times I am going through the motions to exist, just exist.

Comment by David Blanco on May 24, 2017 at 8:42am

This weekend we are having my daughter's high school graduation party in our yard. Carli hasn't been gone 2 months and I don't feel like celebrating but my wife insists on it. My daughter Katie does deserve a celebration for all she has accomplished. I just don't feel right celebrating right in the place my Carli took her own life - I found her in the drive way. Part of me feels I need to force a smile on my face for Katie to have her day, another part of me wants to run away and cry. It's tearing me apart inside.

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