Annette was my life. We were married 12 years. No children. Only the two of us. We both suffered from morbid obesity. This led to fluid build up called Edema. We both took care of each other as best we could. We were poor but a happy couple in our 50s. Annette also suffered from cronic panic attacks. SO awful that last year she spent nearly two weeks as they tried to get the proper meds for her.

They worked for time. Then I lost my job and health insurance. We had no money for medication as we tried to pay rent and prevent us from being evicted.

She stated having terrible night sleeps. Sleep apena (as I have) denied her a good night sleeps. SHe started screaming in her sleeps, and her edema started getting worse. SHe kept tellingme she didn't feel well for months. I begged her to go to the hospital but she refused. I think we were maybe both in denial of our health. We suffered. I had to find work despite the agony of walking. In fact its what kept me alive. The bread winner has to move. Movement is life.

She started to bloat and I screamed at her to go to the hospital. But she wouldn't. Then that night, she kept sleeping on her stomach. I sat across the room from her. I noticed she wasn't moving. I charged over to her an screamed Honey!!! I turned her over and her lips were blue. I screamed no!! please God no!!

I diled 911 they came but couldn't resucitate her. I loved her more thanmy own soul. I amalone. I come home to silence. My beloved of 12 years is gone. I am beyond grief. I beg God to plase take me. I collected her ashes yesterday and brought them home. I wear her ring which I will take with me upon my death. 

It's a nightmare. An utter, blinding nightmare. I should have forced her. I keep thinking what if I had called 911 and forced her to go? I took care of her soiled clothing, washed her, and loved to cook for her. Now it's gone. ALl gone. I want the grief and madness to stop. It won't stop. ANd the only thing that will bring me peace is to be with my wonderful wife. Nothing comforts me. I just want to fall alseep and beg God to take me. 

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Richard,
I'm sorry, I don't know exactly how....But asking about it when you go to the welfare office is a good first step. Let them know you are finding it difficult, emotionally and practically, to navigate all the agencies and forms and procedures you need to deal with in order to get the help you need, and that you need some help with that stuff. Hopefully then they will put you in touch with a Social Worker or similar who can help.
Really scares me? The fact that I had a normal life before December 1 and it all ended torn away December 2 and I have been living this nightmare of a new life and the scariest thing of all continues to be so is the fact that I am so totally alone when I sleep when I eat where I go I don't want the silence follows me and the madness start to crave what's left of my sanity .

I found myself crying in the middle of the street and having to sit on the bench or sit in the front of the building baby my wife Annette why did you leave me behind? Why want to come for me? I can't stand being alone anymore please honey say something to something you don't leave me behind

I found myself crying in the middle of the street and having to sit on the bench or sit in the front of the building without my wife Annette. why did you leave me behind? Why won't you come for me? I can't stand being alone anymore please honey say something. Do Something. you can't leave me behind!

That is my new life.what I don't understand how or why. I don't think no one ever does understand. right now I'm alone in the bedroom sitting by myself and I wake up again screaming because of another damn nightmare. the guilt of surviving, thinking I could've been a better husband instead of a failure That let her down. Dear god, this is the end result of what's left of my life. something no human being should endure or could.

Anyone out there completely alone with no family or friends or children and Have lost their loved one? Is there anyone else living alone and in the home or apartment trying to get to through the day?
It's now 9 PM Monday and I'm sitting here alone once more and it still feels so unnatural not to have my wife Annette laying in bed beside me watching TV the way we were used to. that empty space is a literally tearing me apart. What can do?

Every day so far I sit alone, I eat alone. I sleep alone. the solitude continues without any mercy. I still look back at the life we once had.

I keep crying nonstop every day I'm just so tired I want the misery to end.
Been the worst week. things are getting worse for me mentally and physically and find myself now breaking down crying,
sobbing in public. I feel ashamed. all I want is to be with my wife and that's it. that's all I ever needed.

I am suffering on a level that is inhuman. My mind is already falling apart and I find myself sitting on the floor with my grotesque body, my guilt, my profound loneliness that's never-ending .

I'm still trying to find myself a new purpose but there's just nothing there, nothing at all. I am simply a non-person now.

it is terrifying knowing there is nothing left in this world for me. no reason to get up in the morning, no reason to care about health, finances, nothing just existing and waiting for life to finish me off. This is truly torture merciless unabated torture .

Tonight it's Friday night and I will sit in the bedroom silent hoping praying that this torture tonight it's Friday night and I will sit in the bedroom silent hoping praying that this torture ranch ends.

If you feel ashamed for breaking down in public, more people have been there than you know. You bolt to find the nearest solitude bathroom stall, nearest corner will you can be out of view, or wear sunglasses inside stores to hide. No reason to feel ashamed Richard. If anything our culture and society should feel ashamed for living so fake, phony, and naive. Maybe that's just my disgust talking.

Yes, inhumane. Exactly how this feels. Debilitating grief is something I would wish on my worst enemy because I can't think of anything else worse besides some other form of torture.

It's now midnight Friday. I've just woken up shouting and screaming again my wife's name. I keep seeing her blue lips swollen face God please take Away the Pain and agony from my soul.

I have no one. no wife. no children. no friendships. no employment. just misery, pain and suffering nonstop and I want it to stop.

It's not fair. I'm so tired and I am still suffering and I am weak. I can barely walk.

I can feel it today getting worse my body is growing weaker pain is becoming more intense.
I can feel it today getting worse my body is growing weaker the pain is becoming more intense.

I continue to find myself passing out, going unconscious only to find myself in various areas of my apartment like the kitchen floor, bedroom, bathroom.

in every case, if I hold something in my hand it always seems to fall from my hand. . The phone, a TV remote or wallet or keys; whatever. Any object i hold in my palm, I am not aware that I am holding anything . every few seconds I pass out and drop whatever I'm holding.
I'm going slowly insane. The grief is literally ripping what's left of my sanity.

I don't know how much longer I'll last.

I looked over my medical records from my last visit to the hospital m. it shows i have blockages in various areas of my heart.

I have an abnormal EKG.

The edema and massive swelling of lymphatic fluid in my stomach and groin has made it so I am forced to walk slightly bo-legged to accommodate the massive swelling.

I won't fight this but I pray that whatever time I have left is soon. I can't survive the pain and grief of my life any more.

How long must this agony continue?
I stumbled on a web site and a question was asked which I'm hoping to get an opinion from those here. It may be a taboo subject so please excuse the long question but when I read it, it really hit me with a huge question mark.

Question:
If a surviving spouse has no children, no family beyond their deceased spouse, no property, no financial obligations, just day to day existence with each day blurring into the other, and living with unabated grief an misery, do they have the right to end their life to be with their loved one in the afterlife?

I know this may be a touchy subject but I still think it's an important enough question that it deserves a response.

Richard, regarding your question on suicide I will say first off that I don't know what I personally believe on suicide other than I feel it's a fucking rip off one can kill themselves slowly by drugs or other lifestyle choices but to do it in one fell swoop is "wrong" by whomever.

Just recently I read this from a medium's website blog. A medium that, from what I understand, is legit. I'm only posting a portion of it. I don't know what I feel about it; it's just food for thought.

"When I (the medium) asked Spirit to describe Heaven and "Hell", I was told, Heaven is a dimension that is a level beyond the Earth plane where souls return after completing a task. It is a place of unconditional love even for the most troubled soul. There are different levels in this dimension depending on how you lived your life. I spoke to a mother whose son killed his girlfriend then shot himself. Hell for him was not seeing his girlfriend after he died and watching the suffering he caused his mother. A man committed suicide because he felt hopeless since he was not able to take care of his family. He felt they would be better off without him. He told me his Hell was watching his worst nightmare come true. His wife lost her home and he was seeing his family homeless. The humiliation, pain and suffering his family felt resonated throughout his soul. He eventually felt peace when his wife moved to Florida with distant family and found her way."

Don't feel like this answers your question in regard to having no children or family beyond Annette. It's the closest I got.

I have to have more blood work done and I'm leaving tomorrow morning in the a.m. My nightmares continue. I keep seeing Annettes swollen face and eyelids.

M y black outs are getting worse. I really hurt myself when I fainted onto the floor only to wake up a few hours later on the cold floor

I can't stand it anymore . I'm so isolated. I'm also getting angrier by the day . The physical pain now is beyond tolerance. I told the Doctor I don't want prescription strength for fear of addiction. oh my God each day is the same. I. just want my old life back.
Richard,
Perhaps you might want to consider getting a live-in health aid or the like, if your county or state would pay for it?
Blue:
That's a great idea. problem is I still have to qualify based on SS disability and that in itself is becoming dangerously unlikely.

I can only pray that I do get help from social services quickly enough since I'll be running out of money .

If not I will be trouble since I cannot move I literally will have to just sit outside if I'm infected again .

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