Their are so many stages of grief, I have lost times the amount of times I have gone through them all, this time is different, I'm getting severe panic attacks. Throughout the loss of my father I was also going to a 4 yr relationship with an extremely abusive partner, it took every last bit of strength to leave. I had a full time job as a head chef and I was financially independent. In dec 2016 I lost my job, I was irresponsible and it cost me my job, I have been having a massive blow out, drinking nearly everyday, borrowing money that I know I cannot payback. Now I'm on the verge of losing my home and my friends. I feel completely lost without the guidance of my father. I'm losing my friends, my dignity and becoming a shell of myself. I have been trying to control a panic attack that is on the verge of happening for the last 6 hours. 6 hours of what can only be described as 'white noise screaming at me' intense migraines, regrets, guilt and shame. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I'm losing everything and I can't stop it. Am I grieving, is it self pity .. I'm not sure, I wish he was here, I wish I could talk to him .. I hope wherever he is, he cannot see how much of a fuck up I have become. I must have been someone terrible in my past life to deserve this one. I miss myself, I miss my parents. Alone in the dark with my awful thoughts.

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Comment by Diana, Grief Recovery Coach on March 18, 2017 at 8:05am

Hi Dee,

I suffer from severe panic attacks.  I have come to realize no one understands them unless you have had them yourself.  It's hard to talk to someone who completely does not understand what you are going through.  I have been where you have been.  I won't get into the ugly details but I've been there.  I truly understand what you mean when you say "I have become a shell of myself".  If you would like to talk, send me a message.  I would be happy to talk on the phone with you.  

Comment by Dee on March 12, 2017 at 8:18am
Thank you for your kind words, I find it's alot easier to pour my heart out on this rather than speak to family, I feel guilty telling them I am not feeling ok. It's very easy to fall into a dark place thinking dark things, wish it was as easy to snap back into a positive mood. Takes time I suppose. X

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